I’m a 38 year old man, married with a nearly 2 year old son. For the last 2 years. My wife cobstantly tells me im a loser, not good enough and a shit role model. According to her Im a lazy good for nothing twat. She is a GP and currently earns a good salary. I work for an ambulance service as an Emergency Care Assistant, working alomgside paramedics on the ambulance. She keeps telling me she isnt happy as i earn a small bit over minimum wage. I truely belives i am a waste of time, shit loser as I have heard it so much. Im to weak tto kill myself but do think about ways I could do it nearly everyday. The only reason im to weak is because i know the hurt my son, parents and other family will feel if im gone. I cant tell anyone about how she treays me cause what she says is right. I dont have any friends because, well I dont know y. I try to surround mmyself with people, i play for a local rugby team on the weekend, but noonee knows how i feel and i cant tell anyone. Even now as i write this i am questioning what the point of this is. It woukd be far easier if i just died. I need some1 or some quick disease to just do it for me.
I’m heartbroken for you as I read this. It sounds to me like you’re trying to do everything right, but the one person in your life who is supposed to accept you unconditionally, or at the absolute very least love you, is tearing you down at every possible turn.
I don’t think she is making you happy. At their core, relationships are supposed to make you at the very least more happy than unhappy, and I don’t see that happening in this situation. It sounds one-sided, imbalanced, and unfair. It sounds like no matter how hard you work she’ll never be able to see it. Relationships are supposed to make you happy, but the things she says are making you so unhappy that you want to end your life. I know you’re blaming yourself in this situation, but from an outsider’s perspective, I feel a good deal of the “blame” lies with her too for tearing you down when you’re vulnerable instead of helping to build you up.
I also can’t agree with the value statements she’s making on your job because of how little it pays you. You’re literally helping to save lives in what can sometimes be life-and-death situations, but she’s telling you you’re not good enough because of what the hospital decided to pay you? It is simply wrong and untrue. She is trusting the hospital to tell her how valuable your job is through a tidy little number, when she should instead be listening to you personally.
I’ve worked for hospitals several times in my life; my most recent position was sterile processing surgical equipment. It was an incredibly busy and stressful job for what you got paid. As with your job, the tiniest mess-up could kill a patient. We worked long hours and it was high-stress, high-pressure, and still low-pay - only 2-3 bucks above minimum wage. But it was still important work. Even if she can’t see the hard work you’re putting in, it doesn’t mean that it isn’t absolutely critical, because it is. I firmly believe that just because the hospital undervalues the work that you’re doing, it doesn’t make it any less important.
When you said that the reason you’re too weak to go through with dying is that you don’t want the rest of your loved ones to be hurt, I don’t see that as a weakness, I personally see that as an absolute strength and a reason to continue living. If you think about it, you’re continuing to live a life you don’t want because you don’t want to hurt other people - that takes a lot of courage and strength to do. That’s the actions of someone who is remarkably strong and full of love, and I would hate to see someone so good leave this world. And I’d be more than willing to bet your loved ones at their core want you to be happy the same way you want them to be happy.
Have you considered therapy? Just in your own time; you don’t have to ever share it with her or anybody if you don’t want to. But if you feel like you aren’t comfortable unpacking in front of people you know just yet, a therapist can help you sort out how you’re feeling. I had major depression in my life and I wanted to die, too. I even felt guilty going to a therapist, like my problems weren’t “important” enough to talk to a professional about. But that’s the depression, and in your case your wife, speaking. The bottom line is that if you’re feeling like you just want your life to end so you don’t have to bear the pain anymore, then your problems are “important” enough, period.
I really respect what you’re going through; and I admire how strong you are to have made it this far. The world needs more good-hearted people like you. I truly hope you continue to live and get to see your son grow up with a father who loves him very much. You’ve made it this far, and you’re still alive in the middle of all of this - you are strong, and you absolutely are strong enough to keep living. I hope you choose to stay with us.