Not Made For Human Consumption

HeartSupport Support
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I feel like there is something severely wrong with me. In the past I have felt lonely (sometimes I still feel lonely). I complain about how no one cares, but truth be told I have several people who care for me. I feel like such an a$$hole because I feel like I find a way to discredit everyone for no reason or that I am continuously making myself lonely.

For example, my mom helps me so much financially to keep me from spiraling because I struggle with paying bills. But somehow I find myself annoyed every time I am around her. I don’t like how she acts in public or how she talks to people. She’s aggressive; she always has been. I appreciate her but at the same time I cannot stand to be around her. She reads me very easily and can tell when I am annoyed with her even when I deny it.

Another example is my boyfriend. He’s so great to me, does things he doesn’t have to do, and he’s very affectionate. I find myself annoyed with him when he’s too affectionate. When he constantly wants to kiss or touch. I have to admit I think that has a lot to do with my PTSD. I’ve been pretty closed off when it comes to touching because of emotional abuse, physical abuse, and the sexual assault.

I have no plan of leaving my boyfriend because I do appreciate him and it’s not a bad thing that he’s affectionate. But these two examples are just a few. I get easily irritated by my kids, I don’t like social settings or even being in a social setting for a long period of time. Why am I this way? What kind of idiot feels loneliness, but dreads being around people.

I’ve consider just staying home every day and finding a way to get everything, include making money to live, done without leaving, but then I would somehow have a new complaint. Why can’t I just be satisfied with the good? Why do I let my OCD and anxiety take over when it comes to living life around others?

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From: twixremix

hey friend,

with your past and the emotional scars you’ve accumulated throughout various experiences, it’s understandable how you can react to these things. would it help if you spoke with your boyfriend on how the affection can sometimes overwhelm you so there’s a foundation of understanding? while we can’t change the people around us, we can ask for some understanding and they’ll most likely ask for understanding in return. btw when you find yourself feeling overwhelmed like this, how do you usually break the cycle?

you aren’t alone in feeling this way though where the main comfort in our lives is being home, enjoying time to ourselves. and it’s even better to know you have an incredible support system with your mom, boyfriend, kids, heartsupport, and the list goes on. lean on them for the most part but listen to your needs when you require that alone time you are loved and valued!

love,
twix

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From: Mamadien

Grandmastrqueen, thank you for letting us know how you are doing friend. I really want to tell you first off that I don’t believe for one moment that you are an a$$hole. It sounds like life has a lot of moving pieces for you and that can make dealing with people a bit tougher. Do you have a self care routine that helps you when the stress is building up? Are there signs you notice that tell you that you need to take some time to care for you? I hope that you are able to take those moments to find some peace for yourself. You are worth it my friend.

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It sounds to me like you are an introvert with PTSD. I think it’s hard for you to be around people because your introversion is escalated because of the PTSD. You might be lonely, but I think you also need some alone time on a regular basis. With kids, family, and a boyfriend, it may be difficult for you to get the time that you need.

There have been times when the only way I could close my eyes, relax my mind and calm down, was to lock myself in the bathroom. I have become really good at “mini meditations.” I think it would benefit you to be assertive with your communication to others about your need for times of distraction free quiet. Even extroverts need that, but not so much.

If your mom irritates you, don’t bother trying to deny it. You don’t even need to defend the reason you feel that way. Say something to the effect, “I’m uncomfortable around that kind of behavior.” She probably already knows that she’s being irritating and how she’s doing it.

I think you will be far less irritable if you take the time to calm yourself and enjoy a bit of peace. You might even want to try some meditation music through headphones or earbuds, or any kind of feel-good music.

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It would most likely help, but I am the worst at speaking up for myself. I keep trying to build up the courage, but then i panic at the possibility of hurting his feelings or losing him. I just keep trying to convince myself that I can handle it like a “normal” human being.

I notice the signs of the build up to my stress or breakdowns. I am still working on coping. Unfortunately, I end up in the hospital because I use poor coping skills. I only have a few positive coping skills, but they work for some situations and not others.

I truly want to thank you all because these are all supportive and help responses. @Wings I hope you could identify my issues from a medical prospective and not personal because you hit it dead on. I have always been introverted, but PTSD does definitely made it all a thousand times more difficult. It never hit me that my introverted state could be affected so much by PTSD. I always considered them as two different issues to deal with separately. I am trying to reschedule with my therapist, but I honestly feel as if I need to talk to her immediately which is possible if I time it correctly and she’s not busy. She honestly in my corner as well but at times I just don’t feel like verbally talking to anyone.

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People aren’t either good or bad, wonderful or intolerable. They can be both. You can appreciate all the help your mom gives you and still be annoyed with her in public. You can appreciate everything your boyfriend does and still not want to be touched. It’s a matter of personality compatibility or love languages.

People might have different, more helpful ideas on how to handle being with your mom, but I think maybe you should accept that she’s aggressive. From there, with that expectation, you get to set boundaries. You can choose when you go out in public with her or stay home. When you go out, realize that she will be aggressive and find some way to make peace with it. Tune out when she’s talking badly to people, or else if she calls you out for being annoyed, instead of denying it, say “Mom, it bothers me when you’re so rude to people. That’s all.” Not guaranteeing that conversation will go well, it probably won’t, but maybe you’d feel better about it than lying about being okay when she can see that you’re not.

As for your boyfriend, you can be a bit more proactive there. It sounds like his love language is physical touch, and yours is acts of service. Just because you’re not huge on physical touch doesn’t mean y’all are incompatible. It would be good to sit down and have a conversation. Say “I love everything you do for us, it’s amazing. I love being close with you, but sometimes it’s a bit much. Sometimes I want to be with you without touching you. Can we figure out a way to balance each of our needs?” My love language is physical touch. Sometimes my wife wants breathing room. We’ve learned to acknowledge that difference, and to state our needs. If I’ve had a bad day, I’ll ask if I can lay my head in her lap while we watch TV. If she wants space, she’ll say “I love you, but I need to not be touching you right now.” If neither of us has strong needs, we just kind of figure it out with body language. The point, though, is that we have different needs and we’re not telepathic, so we have to communicate clearly. Have that conversation at a neutral time, like maybe in the car, not when you’re upset that he’s trying to cuddle you again when you don’t want it.

Reading “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman is also a great way to start the conversation, while also understanding each other’s needs and boundaries better. It could also help you understand your mom better. Sounds to me like interpersonal interaction isn’t really her thing, but that maybe she shows love with gifts. I’ve known plenty of people like that. It’s a really good book!

People are individuals. They don’t always do the things the way you want them, and they will always annoy you at some point or another. You are not ungrateful because you get annoyed. You are grateful for what they bring to your life, and you’re annoyed by the things that annoy you. It’s normal, and you’re not a bad person for it. Being good relationally is about taking the good with the bad and making the best of it.

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