Wow, this is the most frequently I’ve posted here. Thanks for taking the time to read through my thoughts.
So my doctor recently found out about my self-harm. She recommended me to see a therapist last year when I told her I’d been disassociating, but my mom didn’t take her seriously. After seeing my scars this year, my doctor recommended it to me again and my mom finally agreed. My doctor has been really understanding and checking in with me and I’m thankful for it. The only problem is that I don’t really know where to start.
I’m scared I guess. I don’t really know how to find one or where to start. Every time I try, I get really overwhelmed. My mom keeps saying that if I am not trying then I don’t need one. I don’t know how to tell her that I’m just scared. I have some phone numbers and emails and I want to contact the offices and therapists, but something keeps stopping me. I’m not a very open or trusting person so I’m afraid I won’t be able to tell my therapist anything and I’ll end up lying most of the time.
I’m not sure if I want to get a therapist. Everyone tells me it will help, but I’m not sure. Sometimes I just want to deal with it myself. I know that doesn’t work but I don’t want to be a burden on other people.
Sometimes I’m not even sure I want to get better. I relapsed a while ago and I haven’t been able to stop ever since. Maybe I’m being a coward and hiding from it because I know it will be hard. Or maybe I just don’t want to stop. It’s weirdly comforting, isn’t it? In a messed up sort of way. I know it’s bad but I kind of don’t want to stop.
Everything’s moving so fast and I’m scared of it. Every day is over right as it begins. My doctor told me that summer would be the best time to try, but it’s already July and I haven’t done anything. School’s gonna start again soon and it terrifies me. I’m not sure if I’m going to be able to make it through this year, especially if it’s online again. I don’t have enough time and it feels like I’m constantly drowning. I have work to do and there’s so much I could be doing, but I can’t bring myself to do anything. I’m just so tired all the time. I know I’m getting worse but I don’t know what to do about it. I want everything to slow down. I just want everything to pause so I can catch my breath for once.
-Thistle
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Hi Thistle,
I can understand your unease about seeing a therapist. It can definitely be scary and not all of them are good. I’ve had a couple bad ones myself. That being said though, I’ve also had some really good ones. I think the only thing I can really offer as far as advice on this, as well as your belief that you will just lie to the therapist, is this - you must decide if you are ready to accept that help.
We lie because we are afraid. We don’t want to be judged and we don’t want to appear weak. Consider this : it takes a great deal of bravery to admit that you need help, and I assure you nobody, especially a therapist, will view you as a weak person. And you should never feel like a burdon to your therapist. If they didn’t want to listen to and help people, they probably wouldn’t have gone through the time and effort to become a therapist in the first place. And if that isn’t enough, just remember they are getting paid to do their job, which is to help you. They have an obligation to you. You are the one with the power.
I also understand your not wanting to stop your actions, they are your relief. At the end of the day, self-harm is always a response to hurting and you are important enough and special enough to heal that pain. Nobody should have to hurt.
I know what your parents say can hurt, especially when you are scared and frustrated. It seems they probably just don’t understand. It would be easy for me to say to just ignore them, but I also know from experience that that is easier said than done and words can cut deep. Don’t do this for them. It is important that you seek help for you. It is also important that you want help. You have the power to do anything you set your mind to, and nobody said you couldn’t be scared while doing those things. In fact, I think it’s a testament to the importance of this decision that is probably lending to the fear.
But hey, it’s okay to be scared. It’s okay to not want to immediately trust a therapist. It’s okay.
Take that first step of emailing or calling when you are ready, and allow yourself to be scared. The benefits of taking that first step far outweigh the benefits of not taking it right? Things will only get better from here. You have the power. You can do it.
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Hey @Thistle - Thank you so much for sharing your feelings about seeing a therapist amidst your self harm. It can be hard to trust, and even harder to talk about something that is really personal with someone you don’t know.
I really encourage you to write out what you would say or send in an email, just to yourself. Get it all down, all the things you are worried about and what you want to get from therapy, and read it over without sending it. You might find what you are having trouble with, like me, is thinking you won’t be a good advocate for yourself and maybe not make the most of a situation meant to help you. Sometimes, just seeing our thoughts in physical form can help us feel relieved they aren’t as bad as we thought they were.
Hang in there, I hope you can capture a moment of inspiration and take a risk. We are here to cheer you on! You get to interview your therapist for the right fit, all within your control, and I believe in you.
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