Big post here, sorry it’s such a long read haha
Hoooolyyyyy shit this is a wild ride, being super vulnerable here so pls don’t be mean, if you victim blame go fuck yourself. just trying to get this off my chest. Word vomit everywhere
So two of my previous best friends who are housemates both cheated on their girlfriends to flirt and act like they wanted to date me, lead me on, to then leave. One of them (I’ll call shit#1) lead me on for like two years on and off, always saying they wanted to leave their gf for me and begged me to sleep with him all the time while talking shit about her. I never did and kept telling him if you want to be with me you need to break up with her or vise versa. He was a manipulative narcissist and after so long of his shit I called him out on everything and blocked him. I also messaged his gf and told her about what he’s been doing with screenshots, and warned her of what he is. She lashed out at me and said it was my fault but, yeah. Anyways.
So, months later. My other ex friend appears from absolutely nowhere. I haven’t talked to my other ex friend shit#2 (who I also knew for years) in two years who lead me on similarly while knowing I was in love with him but had been trying my best to hide my feelings and failing. After being best friends and hanging out all the time for nearly two years, he randomly kisses me and says he’s in love with me (although he has a long time gf.) I was head over heels for a long time so I was elated, we spent a weekend together cuddling and kissing. Then right after he stopped talking to me, I tried reaching out and he would avoid me and make shitty excuses. I was heartbroken. We stopped talking.
Ok, so back to being contacted out of the blue. He (shit #2) texted me saying he really missed me and was so sorry he made a huge mistake leaving and has been thinking of me the entire time since he left. He said he’d been talking to his therapist and working through why he left and his emotional problems bc he was really in love with me the whole time. I was confused, hurt, angry, no idea what was going on, somewhat hopeful. He asked to spend time together and offered really quick to come see me and talk. I agreed. I was having a reallly hard time mentally when all this was going on, my shitty dad just died, not many friends/support, mental and physical health really bad, etc. I wasn’t thinking straight at all and it was obvious I was vulnerable and hurting.I needed anything to distract me.
We hang and he apologizes shittily saying he didn’t even think I’d respond and expected me to scream at him, “it would be funny?” And I bet I really hurt you. Then later he asks if we can be together and if he can hold my hand. I reluctantly said yes but wanted to take things slow. But he kissed me and I was just so happy, things didn’t end up going slow.
We end up hanging out for about a month, “dating?” And making out intensely every time. I was very afraid he was lying to me and kept saying I’m scared you’re going to leave again. He assured me he was serious about me and really wanted to be with me.
One night after hanging out we go back to his place and he buys some alcohol. Im not used to drinking, only done it a few times. Told him so. I suggested we play video games and watch anime, and we took some shots. I wasn’t planning on doing anything crazy that night. Hes not a lightweight where I am extremely, and I took too many of them at once. Well it hit me pretty quick and we started making out, shit got really intense fast and escalated.
*(Some inner thoughts)*
I had previously stated I am afraid and hesitant of anything sexual in general, and he asked if I was over it to which I shrugged and said I guess? I must prefice this by saying I am demisexual, which means I only have sexual feelings for people I have a close bond to. Previously to when we were friends two years ago, when sex was mentioned (not between us but about it in general) I would tremble and had the worst stutter in the entire world, I couldn’t even say sex without my face flushing at a 300 degree heat. Feeling like I’d faint bc it’s so intense and I am overwhelmed at my crush mentioning such things. (I know I’m very sheltered ok T_T )
He knew this was an emotional experience for me. And it’s very hard for me to trust people or feel comfortable.
I also feel the need to mention that this was a very strange and weird brand new feeling I had never felt before. I am incredibly shy in general with social anxiety and have not so great self esteem. Drinking gave me WAYYY too much confidence to where I felt like I don’t even have ANY social anxiety and can say whatever I want.and do things I would never normally have the courage to do.
(Back to what happened)
I blacked out and wasn’t even aware of what I was saying just that I needed to say it or else it would be the end of the world. I ended up like confessing like everything I never got to tell him about how I felt the whole time I’ve known him and like basically confessing every dirty thought I’ve ever had like I’m on death row confessing my fucking sins to a priest. I couldn’t stop talking once I started.I had zero control or real awareness over what I was saying/doing, it felt like a dream.
I’m very inexperienced in this realm and have always equated sex with love. Silly I know. (So humiliating…) I push all of my sexual feelings down and pretend I don’t have any because I’m deeply ashamed and have trauma there. So when I could finally express it and felt free enough to, it just all came out like word vomit… and then actual vomit because I puked all over the floor o__O ha
I still don’t remember all that happened and this entire thing is from flashes of picture memories I have but I woke up the next day in his bed all giggly and super out of it. He asked if I remember what happened and I thought about it and realized I really didn’t. Just said I had a nice time.
The whole day I was super hungover and would just stare off into space dissociating (I do that a lot already, but this was worse than normal like I couldn’t focus at all and felt whack) and he was like wow you’re really out of it aren’t you.
I kept flirting and asking if we could go again and he said yes. Well that happens, basically everything besides actual uhh “intercourse” and we took a shower together, which I had forgotten we did the night before and asked him like wait we did??
Um I remember him saying multiple times the night before and the day of… well he had been trying to get me to send nudes before and I didn’t want to. He kept saying “oh that’s such a nice picture” and grinning when I was uh doing some pretty embarassing stuff to myself, kinda got lost in it and paired with being entirely out of my mind didn’t take too much notice of what was happening around me. He was watching but I was too embarassed to make eye contact and Im pretty sure he was taking pictures of me. I didn’t realize at the time.
After I’m wanting cuddles and affection but he says he has to bring me home and I’m sad and confused about it. On the drive back he’s telling me all of this random nonsense about his ex and how he has childhood trauma and can’t be with me?? I was so confused and honestly just had a breakdown and cried curled up in a ball. (Ugh) I asked him why we did that if he didn’t love me and he shrugs and says nonchallantly because I’m hot. I said he knew that I felt deeply for him so why would he and he blames me for it, saying “well you wanted it! You were begging me!” He says we’ll talk later and can maybe kiss again??
I called him the next day like uhh wtf is happening? And he goes into rambles that make zero sense at all about his ex again, now saying she won’t stop contacting him since the time we started seeing each other again. I asked why didn’t he tell me then if he had this going on and he dismisses it. Then he says he never said he loved me, wanted to be with me, it was a hookup. He says that he can’t be with me because I came on so strong with all of the things I said the first night. (Pfft, didn’t mention it or have a problem messing around a second time)
He gaslights me saying that nothing he said or did ever happened and he never manipulated me at all. He says he’s busy for the next few days/possibly weeks and can’t talk to me bc he’s moving. I’m just left completely lost and heartbroken.
About a week later, haven’t heard anything from him and I call. He answers and starts berating me out of completely nowhere, saying I have no friends and mocking me for it, (I’m friends with his other group of friends and have been for awhile online, while he doesn’t even talk to them anymore) says he never cared about me and used me, mocks my mental health struggles (struggling so hard with CPTSD although I try my best to mask it) says he’s fucked lots of random girls and it’s never been a big deal for him so I shouldn’t be upset it didn’t work out, and then says he can’t talk to me anymore busy for the next few weeks bye. He was getting so much pleasure out of hurting me I could practically feel his smile through the phone. Which I’m sure was on speaker.
(Some inner thoughts)
Looking back, I’ve noticed a lot of odd things and total red flags I didn’t see at first. He’d made multiple comments about my age indirectly, saying he went to a college party recently with a bunch of younger people my age. “ what would I want to do with a 21 year old?” And he can’t relate to anything with them because theyre Just kids to him. he is six years older than me.
My dynamic with him was that, I always followed him
around doe eyed completely smitten and would do anything he ever asked. Basically worshipped him. When he just acknowledged me and didn’t give me much attention. I didn’t realize it at the time but he really enjoyed that power he had over me.
I will add that BOTH he and his friend are the same age, and had been in contact with me since I just turned 18 and they were 23.
During all that happened, he hadn’t spoken a word to me or asked if I was okay or comfortable or could even consent to what he was doing. Which clearly, I was unable to. Meanwhile I asked him for permission on everything twice before just to make sure he was comfortable with what I was doing.
(After this happened)
I tell a close family friend (not blood related but she’s like a mom to me)that things went horribly and I wasn’t even sure what all happened, was so confused. This family member is related to him (step brother) and actually how I met him in the first place. She knew what he did before to me and was upset that I went back despite her warning me not to. At first, she was comforting me and saying she’s been hurt by guys using her like this too and I’m not alone.
Soon after, she talks to him about what happened. He lies his ass off to protect himself and says everything was fine it just didn’t work out it was a casual hookup. Im sure he told her I was crazy bc I was saying so much stuff and mentally unstable) He said he only did it because shit#1 and him made a plan, to get back at and hurt me because I told shit #1s gf the truth about him.
I had no idea they both were conspiring against me, or even knew that each other had “liked,” or really tried to get with me in the first place!! So I know for a fact, he told shit #1 EVERYYYYTHIIIINGGG I said that night which was extremely personal and humiliating… not to mention disclosed kinks I talked about, the pictures and how I acted so desperately in bed…
That was the whole point of it. I guess they both got what they wanted.
And to top it all off, my family member who’s the one person who’s ever been on my side, tells me I’m being overdramatic and she doesn’t want me looking so sad when I hear his name, I don’t take responsibility for my part in this mess. And I don’t listen to his side of the story, “everyone has a side” I had asked her to stop having him over, and she said that I’ve already caused tension and distance between them (because of what HE did to ME, pfft) not to mention, she told me that he immediently got back together with his ex after trashing me bc he always needs approval and attention.
I was so mad and hurt by this, I didn’t have any words . I hung up the phone and haven’t called since, it’s been months. She asked at some point if he raped me and that she doesn’t want him coming near her or her two young daughters if he did (basically my neices)
I didn’t know what to say, I didn’t say anything… I blamed myself and felt so much shame. I’ve questioned my reality and if it really happened so many times. Maybe I’m just being too sensitive. I wasn’t sure what even happened to me.
For the first two to three months I was entirely numb and felt nothing, I blocked out the memory and pretended it didn’t exist. I was terrified to admit to myself that my worst fear had happened again… but in the past month I’ve come to accept that it has. I was groomed and sexually assaulted/raped by my best friend who I was in love with. And two of my best friends I thought I could trust and believed in at one point plotted to assault me for their own amusement.
I’ve had no one to talk to about this other than my therapist and I only mentioned it once then never again. I always have horrific nightmares about what I’ve been through, but for awhile I could only dream of them and what happened. Also having intrusive thoughts all of the time and flashbacks. Wishing I had done something different or could change my fate. But I can’t and I’m trying to accept that it wasn’t my fault. Also in retrospect, im not sure if he drugged me because I’ve never had that intense of a reaction or a full blackout being drunk, although ofc I know it happens.
Now, I still haven’t told my family member the truth. Im really afraid I won’t be believed, all of the drama I don’t want surrounding it, I’ll be blamed again and thrown away like everyone likes to do. It all hurts so much and although it happened last summer I still haven’t processed it all. But I need to tell her. I can’t let him get away with this. I know what I have to do.
It isn’t just for me, it’s for all survivors of SA too. We have strength in numbers and when we use our voices and speak our truth nothing can stop us. I hope I can inspire others to find the inner strength to speak out <3 I am not alone, and neither are you. Hang tough loves❤️
Thank you to anyone reading this, I know it’s a lot and so many details. Trust me I’m exhausted writing it, took hours. But really, thank you.