Not sure if my father is trying to teach me or he genuinely has a slight obsessive disorder

Hi dear friends,

I haven’t really come here with something I’m struggling with in a while… but today I think I should reach out and ask for help. My father is a overall a good dad (save for the times he genuinely has no idea he’s emotionally manipulating myself and my mom), and has taught me so much about hygiene and keeping spaces clean.

I know this might come off sounding stupid but he has a tendency to over clean and nothing nothing nothing I ever clean is good enough for him. He really believes “I can do better” to physically make the bathroom and kitchen cleaner, but I always clean up after myself, and it just really seems that he’s seeing cleanliness issues that most people would dismiss because they don’t see in so much detail.

Would it be possible that he has some OCD tendencies? Or am I really just not careful enough? I’ve had no issues with roommates in the past. He’s told me that my friends and employers would never care to tell me about things im doing wrong, and that he’s the only one who would because he’s my dad. But because of the manipulation he’s used in the past… it’s hard for me to trust him on this.

In my anger (mostly at myself), I end up slapping my face. This time, I slapped it so hard there was ringing in my ear, and I scared myself. Is it me? Am I the problem? Am I reading too much into it? Am I too suspicious? Or perhaps my dad is overbearing? Maybe both? I honestly don’t know.

Sorry for how long this is, it’s just been a long quarantine to live with my parents as an adult.

Alex

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Hi friend, Im sorry about your situation and it breaks my heart to know you want to harm yourself when you’re upset. When I find myself about to explode, I go for a run, put on really loud music during my workout, or call a trusted friend, and it helps me every time. Im glad to see you came to the Support Wall to express yourself because there is no problem too small or too big to seek support on. Thank you for being brave enough to share your story regardless of how ‘stupid’ or insignificant you think it sounds.

I had the same problem with my grandma whenever it was our turn to have her live with us. She is the type of person who is never satisfied with our level of cleanliness because she is just that kind of person. Never satisfied with whats in front of her, she will always find a way to nitpick or criticize the way things are done, even if they are done well. For grandma, we realized she just has a very negative and pessimistic view on life and she constantly finds ways to negate things, even when she is at fault. She had a rough upbringing so we take that into consideration every time she acts out. Although it can kinda justify her actions, it doesn’t make her actions and the way she belittles us right.

I used to feel like the way I cleaned was never going to be good enough for her and then I realized, Im an adult, I work a full time job, I also freelance part time, and right now on top of that, Im just trying to stay sane throughout this pandemic craziness. As a homemaker for the majority of her life, the only thing shes ever worried about is cooking and cleaning. Of course shes going to be better than me, shes practically specialized in it her whole life.

If you are cleaning as best as you can and your dad still isnt satisfied, respectfully ask him “What would you have done differently so that I can know for next time?” or ask him to show you his technique. This way it puts the pressure on him to evaluate the situation constructively instead of just hounding you for what you ‘did wrong’. The next time you clean, try your best and use his advice, and if he still isnt satisfied, then the problem is probably within him, and thats something he will have to work on.

What we’ve tried to get grandma to understand is that our priorities are different. Even if the china cabinet isnt perfectly symmetrical or gleaming, its not worth losing our peace over. If it bothers her so much, she needs to recommend a helpful solution when she brings it up so its not just her telling us how bad of a job we did. Shes learning to be more constructive in her feedback and its helping mend our relationships with her. She definitely still has her pessimistic moments but we cant expect her to change overnight.

My goal right now is just to keep the peace as much a possible and treat her the way I want to be treated. When she does things wrong, I try to tell her what she did right before telling her what she said or what she did and how it offended or hurt us. Sometimes they have good intentions but it just comes off wrong. Coming from a place of compassion will always be the best response because it allows me to try and understand why this person is doing this. And thats usually when we have the most break through with her.

I hope this was somewhat of a help. I will keep you and your family in my prayers because I know how hard it can be to just be constantly put down by the people we live with. We will get through this together :heart:

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Hey @Kaycee,

Thank you so much for sharing your experiences and advice with me. It honestly means so much more than you can know. I will definitely keep your strategies in mind and I think I will need to learn a lot of humility and put down my pride and ego to understand where my dad is coming from.

(I’m probably going to have to refer back to your post for the next little while)!

Thanks for making me feel not alone in this, and thank you for your prayers my friend. :purple_heart:

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@Alex I think its easier for us to see the error of our ways a lot faster than it is for our elders because they’re older and have been stuck in their ways much longer than we have. It will feel really difficult somedays but nothing is impossible! Humility and patience can unlock so many doors.

Thank you so much for being here, Im glad we could share our experiences with one another! I hope that your father can learn to be more compassionate when he speaks to you. Although somedays he might drive you up the wall, remember that your value and worth are not dictated by how well you do things. You are unique, important, and adored by a loving God who sees your heart and loves you more than anything. Never forget that you are a treasure and are worthy of love and respect at all times :heart: God Bless

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@Kaycee Thank you so much for your kindness and encouragement.

You’re absolutely right; humility and patience are the way to go, not to mention incredibly difficult (but worthy) disciplines to learn. And thank you for reminding me that I am worth love. I didn’t realize how much I needed to hear that. :purple_heart:

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