I’m not sure what’s happening to me right now. I’m going through a lot of paranoia and I’m seeing people again. It’s a weird feeling, it’s like I’m disconnected from my life, like I went back in time and everything is changed back to the worst time of my life. 2019 was when everything bad happened in my life, and I don’t know how to describe it, but it feels like I’m back in 2019, like its March of 2019 again, this doesn’t feel like my life, it doesn’t feel like it’s actually happening. I’m able to deal with the paranoia and seeing things, but this is a whole new feeling. everything feels so strange and similar, but it’s like I can’t remember something, like deja vu. My house doesn’t feel like my house, it’s like I’ve never lived here before. What’s happening to me? We drove back to my house yesterday, so I’m back home, but I didn’t realize how much I hated it here. It’s like all of those months where I overcame the most challenging parts of my life are gone. I don’t know, it just feels like I’m disconnected, like I’m back in time, and its march 2019 and I’m going to make all of those bad decisions over again. It doesn’t feel like my life. This doesn’t feel like my life. I’ve never experienced this before. I don’t know what’s happening. Sorry for posting this, I just don’t know what to do to stop feeling this.
Something worth mentioning is I don’t currently have my room to go to, my room was infested with ants so we’re cleaning it out while I sleep on my couch. The same thing happened in 2019, so maybe that’s it? I’m not sure.
Based on what you described, it sounds that you’ve been experiencing some kind of emotional trigger - being back to your home + the ants in your room may be part of what makes you feel like you’ve been back to the same place you were a year before. This is only a personal perspective though.
I see that it’s been a day since you posted this. So I hope you’re feeling a bit better now. Keep in mind that you’re safe right now. Despite those disturbing feelings and sensations, you’re not back in march 2019 and you’re not re-experiencing what you’ve already been through. What happened is in the past. Part of your story. Not something you’re living again, even if there are similarities between now and yesterday. Even if you see and feel things that are very familiar to you.
When you feel a bit dissociated like this, knowing where you are but having a hard time to feel connected to your environment for one reason or another, you can try to use some grounding or mindful techniques, such as deep breathing or focusing on your physical sensations. It can be very disturbing to navigate through those strange sensations, and saying out loud that you are safe can be helpful too.
I’m aware that things has been tough to you recently. You’ve been sharing bravely what’s going on through different posts. This can be heavy to handle at an emotional level. A lot to acknowledge, to process. It’s really positive that you keep sharing about it. Writing down about what’s going on can help you to regain some perspective over how you feel right now. Know that there’s nothing wrong with you. The situation is certainly a bit overwhelming to you right now. But you’ll be okay.
