Back to heartsupport

Not The Best Way To Start Off Progress (TW: self harm)

I tried to take your advice and not try to hurt myself. I was doing pretty good. For a day. I tried to relieve my stress and tell myself everything is okay. I almost forgot about self harm until it was time to go to bed. Then it happened. Again. I think I figured out why night is not my time. I don’t think straight. I to tired to think before I act. That is why I don’t need to care. During the day I’m fine. But at night I’m manic. I’m bloodthirsty. I want to die. I know I shouldn’t during the day but at night… I can’t. I would tell someone or talk to crisis about harming myself but at night I forget. I forget about sane thoughts and forget about help. I just do it… And that’s where it comes in. It’s not much but it’s there. It feels like practice. I need to learn how to harm myself so then I can do the deed. BUT NO! I shouldn’t. But I can’t control myself at night. I just want the sweet taste of blood. I didn’t cut too deep where I bled. That’s good but I don’t like it. I shouldn’t be sad but I am. I wanted blood, but no, I shouldn’t. It’s on my ankle. It’s deep but not deep enough. Probably because I used a coin. At least I don’t have a knife. I named it Swix. Swix hurts. But I don’t regret. I should but I don’t. I don’t know… I can’t stop the urge. I don’t know when I’ll stop or how I’ll stop. I want to stop but I don’t. Some progress. Some progress for sure.

4 Likes

Hey @8BitFoxling , you’ve identified a pattern. Mindfulness is a really important first step! Progress doesn’t mean all better, it means positive steps. Awareness is the first step, and it’s a huge one!

2 Likes