Nothing is ever good enough for my mom/ I'm a disappointment

Nothing I do is good enough for my mom. I can never fully please her and have her be proud of me, there’s always a catch or something that I can do better.I show her all the love in the world, and in return, most of the time I get a comment on how I need to try harder.
I call her everyday and basically update her on what I’m doing that day, because she often doesn’t trust me. I didn’t call her one night and she yelled at me the next day and listed off all the things I do wrong. It’s like I can’t catch a break with her, we can never just be happy. There’s always something wrong, and I’m the problem. She doesn’t yell at me because she misses me or just does it out of love, she yells at me because she doesn’t trust me (even though I’m the only sibling who takes responsibility for most things), and makes it seem like I don’t know how to take care of myself.
She is always pointing out everything wrong with me. One of the first things she makes me do when I come home to visit, is weigh myself. She constantly points out that I’m “so skinny”, asks me what I’ve been eating, and then wonders why I’m so insecure about myself and start crying every time she starts yelling at me over the whole situation. She wants to know why I’m crying and having a panic attack while she’s yelling at me while pointing out my body? It’s because it sucks. It’s because she’s pointed it out so many times, that I now look at myself in a negative way. It’s because no matter how much I eat, I just don’t gain weight, and that’s not good enough for her. It’s because she takes out her anger on me over something I can’t control.
This is just who I am. I try to remind myself that I have done nothing wrong. I have to constantly remind myself that even though she tries to control my life even though I’m out of the house, and constantly brings me down for my weight, I can’t let it get to me.
This time of year is always hard, because I go home and that means she has many opportunities to get in yelling matches with me, be as passive aggressive as she can be, and comment on my weight. I want to go home so badly and see my brother and dad, but I don’t because my mom is there standing over me, questioning my every move.
I don’t know what I can do anymore. I am truly wrecked by the fact that she’ll always bring me down. I look past everything she’s done to me, and show her as much love as I can. I really don’t know what to do anymore, I don’t know how to please her. And no one is on my side. It’s me against my whole family, and I can’t win.

Hi Nicole,
You are enough. I’m sorry that your mom can’t see that, but the truth is that you are and always will be. Have you tried talking to your dad about the way she makes you feel? Or have you tried to have a one-on-one conversation with her about it?
Just know you are NOT a disappointment, I can tell you’re trying hard. I’m really sorry you’re mom doesn’t see that.
I would recommend and maybe reaching out to some family counseling.
Praying for you and your mom <3

nicole,

Man, that sucks so bad…to feel like all you want is for your mom to love you and accept you and care for you and support you, and feel like every part of your relationship with her is THE EXACT OPPOSITE…you feel like there’s nothing you could possibly do to change that…and you feel like life, for the most part, is so clouded by the anticipation of her critique and anger…like you know that whatever you do in your life – even though you’re not at home – is going to find its way back to your mom to get nitpicked and shredded to pieces. That really really really sucks, man…add insult to injury that you want to see your other family members, but you can’t without having to put yourself in the firing range for her to rip into you…You feel trapped in this vortex of her toxicity, and you’re slowly getting eaten away by her painful words.

While I haven’t gone through the same thing or the same extent, I grew up where I felt like I could never do anything to make my dad proud either…like everything I did fell short of him accepting me, loving me, being proud of me…so I felt like EVERYTHING I did was on the chopping block…I started putting that same pressure on myself so I could be prepared when he did, and I ended up feeling so suffocated by this constant presence of criticism and inadequacy that I lost all sense of self-worth and put all of my identity in whether or not I could “win” at whatever I was doing…because if I won, I might be able to prove myself as worthy…but it always came crashing down and I proved myself the fool. It’s taken a long time to pick up even some of the pieces of the wreckage that that constant pain caused in my life, and I feel so compassionate for you because you’re in the thick of it.

Know this, though: I am on your side. And so is this community. I know it doesn’t translate into anything in real life, necessarily, but you aren’t alone. We hear you. We see you. We support you. You are enough as you are, accepted, appreciated, loved. You are enough. You’re doing a great job in school. You’re trying hard, you’re coming through, and I am proud. Good work, friend. You’re not alone or unsupported. :slight_smile:

-nate