November 6th 2019,
I made the note, I had the pills, but for some reason I hung on. This month has been terrible, I relapsed multiple times in my self harm, after being clean for almost two years, and I’ve contemplated and almost committed suicide countless times, more than I have ever before. And right now I feel like I’m at my absolute lowest, I feel nothing, except that I am an extreme nuisance and disappointment to everyone around me. I feel like no one would really be affected if I died. Why would anyone care? It really isnt like I matter anyway, and all of my ''friends" probably just fucking dispise me. It’s been a long hard month and it’s so hard because one minute I feel amazing and on top of the world like I can fucking do anything and that maybe there is a way out of this dark hole, and then the next minute immediate sudden drop I can feel my heart sinking. I feel broken, useless, and like I shouldn’t even post this because I’m just putting my problems on someone else
November 6th 2019,
I can’t imagine how hard it has been for you and all the things you’re feeling right now. But, and this is big, you are a warrior. You’re a survivor. Your past experiences and triumphs and even right now are important and matter so much. You have been through what sounds like literal hell and are still here. I am proud of you for pushing past the overwhelming feelings, even if just for a moment, and posting this. Please continue to fight, friend. You are needed here. The breath in your lungs, your heartbeat, your thoughts-all of you is important and life changing to those you know and have yet to meet. You are a living and breathing story of hope every moment you choose to keep going and that inspires me to keep going. Whatever that reason was that had you hang on, I’m glad you’re still here. We wouldn’t be the same without you here. I hear you. You are seen. And I hope to have the opportunity to continue to know you. Personally, I try to be active in the chat on the HeartSupport Twitch channel, and I know many others in there would love to hear your story and be support to you. Please join us if you’re able. This site also has resources available to you when things are really bad off, please consider looking into them. Support lines for calling in your area, posting here on the wall, and resources like Dwarf Planet and Rewrite may be helpful. You are loved, you matter. Please stay. Hold fast.
I’m so glad you’re still here. There’s no words to describe this, and even if you don’t feel this way, you are really strong, friend. I’m sorry you relapsed into self harm. Getting out of it is a long journey but hey… 2 years clean?!! That’s amazing! Relapses can happen but it will never diminish your accomplishments. You already proved to yourself how brave and strong you are. I’m sincerely proud of you.
“Why would anyone care?” Because you matter and you’re alive. I’m sorry you don’t find the support you need with your friends. There’s an entire community here for you to help you go through this. We care about you. You’re absolutely not putting your problems on someone else. We’re here for you and will help you as much as we can. There’s no reason to stay alone when we’re struggling. Feeling supported and loved can be incredibly powerful to go through difficult situations. You are not alone and you are so loved, friend.
Sending much Love to you.