Hello, just want to start off by thanking everyone who is in this community. I am new here, and I think what is being done on this site and on the livestream is super important and helpful.
A little about why I am posting and who I am.
I am currently in college, taking 18 credits, a junior, and in a different state than my family and everyone I knew growing up. I am honestly struggling a lot. Every day I wake up and I don’t know what the point is. I make it to class sometimes when it is a good day, but it has been getting harder. My grades are terrible right now and I am not sure how to get them up. I am in this vicious cycle of feeling so helpless at the bottom of this pit.
I was recently diagnosed with severe depression, anxiety, and ptsd. I have gone into a counselor, but I can’t open up to them due to my past issues of trust and I am feeling like I am unfixable. The worst part of this all is I have no one or anything to grasp onto. This constant gloom overhead, the reoccurring flashbacks from a sexual assault situation, the thoughts of no one will even know if I die or even care, the looping negative thoughts about literally anything. It has become so unbearable. I have never before self-harmed and I never thought I myself could get myself to do that, but last week I started. I just feel like I am spiraling but no one knows that. I have always been the overachiever, the happiest in the room, cracking jokes, laughing, and smiling. No one knows. I am just going through all this on my own and I feel so hopeless in this very moment. What do I do? How do I get out of this downward spiral? Counseling doesn’t work because I shut down. How do you do counseling when you can’t trust anyone even yourself? Self-harming is bad so that shouldn’t be done. I am so consumed in my studies and college life that its hard to have anyone here for me in my life. Am I unfixable? Is this my new normal? Feeling pretty stuck.