This is going to be probably my last post. I lost my battle with depression. It overtook me like vines snaking through the broken cracks of an abandoned building. It’s been years since I felt anything other than self hatred. I have had good days but they are too rare to live off of. I thought that when I became an adult, it would all change. Nothing ever did. I have cried enough tears, I have sliced myself open and watched more sadness pour out. There’s nothing left for me. For every good day, I have 100 lonely days. Days where I wish I had someone to make me smile. Where I had someone to talk to. It’s been an empty 10 years and I don’t think I can keep going. I said in my previous post that July 22, 2020 would be my last day on this planet but I don’t think I can continue to feel this way for that long. The silver lining in this is that even though I didn’t fight back hard enough, anyone reading this can. I was never able to find peace but I also just never had the opportunity. Don’t let my story become your story. I wasn’t the strongest person but anyone reading this, anyone who posts in this forum, is strong enough. Don’t be like me. Its tough not to in the pandemic. Please have more strength than me, I will send my strength left to anyone who may need it. I can’t lie and say I’m not terrified that I’ll be gone in 8 months. All I really want is someone to sit with me and just let me cry. Someone to tell me its okay to be scared. 8 months feels like a really short amount of time but its the only promise I have ever kept to myself. I want to say thank you to everyone reading this. Just knowing that I had one place to turn was enough for a while. I never made many friends along the way and maybe that contributes to my feeling alone. I do value everyone that urged me to continue fighting. I kept myself alive for 18 years. 18 is better than 17. The stream of tears running down my face is making it hard to write this so I must wrap it up. To anyone reading this, don’t give up just because I did. I’m not a role model. I’m just a girl who’s been extremely alone and tortured by her own mind for too long. Thank you heartsupport for being a place to help me cope for so long. It kept me around a little longer. This is my final sign off.
This is so heartbreaking. To see someone at their wit’s end, who thinks there is absolutely no hope. It really hurts to see someone full-heartedly feel the way I do. And you at least made it to 18, something I doubt I’ll do. And I have a feeling you’ll keep going for longer. Why, you ask? Because you’re not gonna be done anytime soon. You have not lost your battle with depression until you draw your last breath, and until then, your life is a sign of your strength, your continuous victory. It may not feel like it, but you’re winning this battle. And you are going to win. Because you don’t fully want to be gone. Victory will be yours as long as you have ANY will to live. And that fear that you’ll be gone in 8 months? That’s a sign clear as day you want to live. Maybe not the life you’re living now, but one where you’ll be happy. So why don’t we make it that way? I want to support you with all my heart and soul, and before that day comes, you’ll have decided life’s worth a shot. I will do everything in my power to turn things around for you. You need a friend? I will be the best friend I can over this forum. You need a shoulder to cry on? You will not have to fear sharing your feelings. I will do anything at all to ensure you start thinking, “I haven’t lost.” Because that’s all it takes to win. Hold on, my friend. It’ll be a bumpy ride, but I, no, everyone here will be with you every step of the way.
It breaks my heart to see how much pain you’ve been feeling lately. I hear your cry for peace. And I wish there was a way to take this burden away from you immediately.
Friend, I know this will probably sound selfish, but I don’t want you to disappear. It’s been a moment that we’ve been interacting on this forum, and I wouldn’t lie by saying that I genuinely care about you. I don’t want to imagine living in a world where you wouldn’t be anymore, because of this b*tch called depression. God knows how much I hate that one. It pushes us in so many dark places, all held in our minds and filled by lies about life, about ourselves, about our future, about relationships… about everything. You don’t deserve to listen to those lies. You don’t belong in this darkness.
I hear your exhaustion. I really do. And I felt in very similar ways this year. But the point you are reaching right now is a scream for life, not death. Please cry, scream, talk to us, but more than anything reach out to someone about your suicidal thoughts, whether it’s someone you trust or a professional. I know it’s scary to do it, to share this raw vulnerability that you bravely show here. But there are people who are willing to be with you and help. It just takes an extra step to pushes those doors.
This pandemic has been making everything worse regarding social connection. But even if it’s not physical interactions you know that we, in this community, are here with you. You are not alone Gigi. Please stay. Let us know how we can support you. Let’s gather our strengths to help you make it through this difficult season of your life.
What’s the hardest part in your situation right now? What are you most worried about?
What are your resources? Whether it’s people/relationships, activities/things you enjoy or helps you, written resources, etc.
Is there something in it you need help with? We’re here to help you lift this weight. You don’t have to navigate those emotions alone. You don’t have to be alone when you cry. I know it’s “just” online interactions here, but we’re still all real people with real hearts to care, listen and understand.
You are not doomed to feel that way forever. Being alive and at peace is possible. And it’s okay to accept and gather all the support you can, especially when life gets really tough.
We love you. We care about you. Don’t listen to those lies in your mind my friend. They don’t deserve your attention, your heart. They don’t deserve you.
Dear @gigichocolates, you are stronger than you think. But that pain is crippling and devastating. It makes it hard for you to see your strength. But I can tell that you are strong because you are here. I imagine that you’ve been through some days and moments already when it felt like life was crushing you and you would never be able to get back on your feet. Yet you are here. You made it through those days.
If there’s anynone in your family, or a friend, a service or a community in your area you could reach out to, then I’d like to really encourage you to talk to them. I want you to be safe Gigi. To allow yourself to let this storm pass. To be supported as you deserve. If you’ve been struggling on your own for a long time, know that it doesn’t have to be like this. You don’t have to fight alone. You have the right to let others or a professional to shoulder this heaviness with you. We - as a community - are also with you.
