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Numb but i’m back for a day

so i’ve kind of just been numb to things for the past few months and it’s been kind of nice but recently i’ve started feeling everything again. it’s fine and i can usually just deal with it and ignore it now but right now just fucking sucks… i’m always angry… i’m always sad… i just want to die. nobody cares about me. if i weren’t to message anybody i would genuinely just be alone because nobody bothers to want to ever talk to me, it’s never like that. i either have to message everyone first or it just doesn’t happen. i don’t think my friends hate me but i don’t think that they like me either, they just put up with me. my entire family hates me too. i don’t like talking to my parents and i try talking to my brother, i get ignored, calls declined and messages unanswered. same with my sister in law and with my niece who is around a year and a half younger than me. both of my sisters ignore me as well. my one sister sees my message and then just tells my mom i messaged her instead of messaging me back. everyone still favourites my fuck up of a sister too. they always liked her more than me. she’s ten years older but even everyone (my nieces and their friends) even liked her better than they liked me. it’s always been this way. nobody has ever liked me as a person. i got bullied for it growing up. first time it happened was in second grade when somebody i was kind of friends with asked me to go trick or treating with them and their friends big sister just started calling me names and physically pushing me away from everyone. second time was in fifth grade. i was “friends” with these two girls named emily and hailey. i say “friends” because i was young and didn’t realize they didn’t like me, even though hailey blatantly expressed that she didn’t… every single day… i still hung out with them though and apparently i never got the memo. so emily just started making fun of me cause i always had my hair up. ??? because i had my hair up?? that’s literally why i got physically bullied??? she would always tug on my hair and try to get me to take it down and would push me around until she literally forced herself on top of me and held me down and tugged on my hair til the hair tie came out :confused: was weird but i could tolerate it, even if it happened now. then i entered middle school. i joined a friend group in which i thought would be cool but everyone had secretly hated me. for the first year i never caught on but in seventh and eighth grade, i did. they would always make fun of me and just call me rude names and pick on me for my fûcking hand size even?? something i can’t even control?? i also got bullied for my nose and was constantly called gruu (the guy from despicable me) in my seventh grade english class by this kid named michael. in eighth grade, the same stuff continued but this time during gym. there was this one girl lindsey who would punch me in the stomach. i don’t know why she did it but she did. i was still excluded from everything and everyone hated me and still just made rude comments to me everyday. i suppose it isn’t as bad as i make it out to be, looking back. but i still never grew up with any friends and my parents or sister would never play with me so i was always alone and i still am. i guess ive kind of grown to like being alone but it’s mainly because i am always hurt by everyone around me. it sucks… i think about the two friends i ahve now though. both named alex so i’ll just say panda and blue. blue is cool. she lets me be myself and i’m able to be loud around her, something i can’t do with literally anyone else, not because they don’t like it, but because i won’t allow myself to be. i just feel like she doesn’t like me and never wants me to bother her or anything but there i go annoying her with messages about fuckin minecraft youtubers. we both like them and we don’t have a lot in common so i use that to try and spark a conversation but most of the time it gets ignored… then there’s panda. he’s sweet. he’s like my kid brother and i would kill for him. he always replies to me when i message him and it’s nice to be able to talk to him but my mind is literally empty half of the time so i never know what to say and i just feel like i bore him… especially since he never messages me unless i message him first as well. i care about both panda and blue deeply but i just feel like… idk… oh i never went into my parents growing up :confused: i think i talked about it in other posts, as well as about some of this stuff. i don’t know… i mean it’s true when they say that your past really does haunt you because all of this shit just makes me quesiton if it’s worth living. i just break down and start imagining myself sitting on a bridge, crying, and somebody comes to help saying youre loved and all of the basic stuff. but they don’t know me? they don’t know anything about me or the people in my life, right? so why would they do that? why would they stand there and just spit out more and more lies to me. i’m tired of everyone lying to me… i don’t know if it’s just my anxiety or what but… i’m just sick of it… also… everyone says it’s just your imagination, nothing serious when there’s other topics but then when you start imagining suicide, suddenly it’s real? suddenly you need help? everything is a fantasy though, so why… why isn’t the same logic applied there?

i want help but at the same time i just want to be left alone to rot and cry and feel worthless and all of the pain that i deserve. i like the pain. i’m an emotional masochist. things that weigh down on my heart make me feel good. pain is the only thing in my life that brings me comfort because pain can’t really let you down, right??

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First off, thank you for sharing all of that. I am glad you found your way here. We believe in you and we are happy that you exist. Your life matters.

You are 100% not alone in this feeling. I have felt the exact same way before and it sucks, but you still have value despite how many people are reaching out to you or not. Sometimes, people are just as nervous or discouraged as we are when it comes to reaching out to other people. Especially this year, so many people are hurting, it is hard for people to reach out sometimes. But whether there is a legit reason or not, you are still loved more than you know. And even though, some nights can feel lonely, you are so important and there are people out there who do care about you.

Dude. I am so sorry to hear this. I hope you know this, but you did not deserve this at all. People who bully others have more insecurities and self-hatred going on than people realize. It doesn’t excuse their actions, I am just saying that bullying says more about the bully than it does you.

Hey. Anything you feel about those incidents are completely valid. You do not have to minimize or hide the way you feel. What happened to you was horrible and as I said before, you didn’t deserve any of that. I don’t know why people can be so cruel, but I do know that you are beautiful no matter what you look like. I don’t have to see you to say that. Its true.

That is awesome that you have friends that you can be yourself around. You deserve a community who cares for you. I wouldn’t ride them off completely for their actions. Maybe they are going through something too. Idk. People go through phases and sometimes they draw close and other times, they distance themselves. I wouldn’t take it personally if possible.

To end my thoughts here, you are absolutely, 100% valued and cared for. Life has so many ups and downs and I know just how painful it can be. But the important thing here to remember is that pain only lasts for a season. It will not last the rest of your life. You will not feel like this forever. It is easy to find comfort in the darkness. You are not alone in thinking that, but the thing to realize is that when you walk in the light, you will feel so much more free and happy. I hope you continue to seek help when you need it and if you don’t have people that care about you in your personal life, come back to this forum. We can be a community for you when you feel like you don’t have one.

I sincerely wish you the best. I hope this reply was helpful.

Hold fast. We believe in you

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@NateTriesAgain @Micro What are your thoughts on this? I think @echo could use some more encouragement

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Hey @echo, it’s good to see you. :heart:

i got bullied for it growing up.

I’m so sorry for what happened, friend. I was bullied at school as I grew up and it always breaks my heart to hear that this kind of behavior keeps happening for literally nothing. Those people were wrong to hurt and mock you like they did. Being bullied is very stressful and terrifying and you never deserved any of this. What happened was not your fault. It was the result of their own decisions and behaviors. It doesn’t say anything about you as a human being, about your worth or the fact that you belong in this world. Some people hurt others and it can be hard to understand why. But what is sure is that you were not the reason behind their attitude. Not at the moment, not now, not ever.

It takes a lot of strength to open up about those things and I want to thank you for sharing it here. Those experiences might be part of your story, and hell I’m aware that sometimes it really hurts, but I want to encourage you to separate those events from what you may think about yourself. It is normal to wonder if something is wrong with you if you’ve been repeatedly hurt or rejected by others. Or even to feel like you can’t be loved and are just made to be alone. But as @Sarah said it was about them, not you. And the amount of time it happened doesn’t change that. What happened was beyond your control. You didn’t ask for it.

i suppose it isn’t as bad as i make it out to be, looking back.

What matters is how you feel it about it now. And I believe it’s important enough if it’s in your mind and you feel the need to share about it. It can be tempting to look back and tell yourself it wasn’t a big deal. Though the reason why you think this is important. You may not have many places to share those things and be understood but for us here it’s a privilege to hear what you have to say. Always.

I had my share of experiences when people had hurt me before, and sometimes I can’t help telling myself that it wasn’t a big deal and I’m probably making it worse than it was. When I do that, I’m generally not doing very well and my mind is just looking after reasons to feed the things I believe about myself, such as “I’m worthless”, “I’m invisible”, “I don’t belong”. I hear this through your words and I want to remind you that how you feel is important. :heart:

and my parents or sister would never play with me so i was always alone and i still am. i guess ive kind of grown to like being alone but it’s mainly because i am always hurt by everyone around me.

they always liked her more than me. she’s ten years older but even everyone (my nieces and their friends) even liked her better than they liked me.

I’m so sorry you didn’t find the comfort you needed in your family. It really hurts when the people who are supposed to give you unconditional love make you feel like you don’t belong. And if not in your family, you can start to wonder if you belong at all.

As mentioned above I had painful and repeated experiences when people had hurt me, including in my family as I grew up. I hear you. I hear that loneliness youv’e been carrying and this feeling that this world is not very safe. I spent a lot of time wondering if I could trust anyone. If having any kind of relationship would be possible without being hurt. Trust is hard to give… And as much as it’s scary to believe this, I want you to know that it can get better and not everyone is going to hurt you. Just like you are not made to be hurt repeatedly. It takes time though, and a certain amount of trials and errors, also to learn from your past experiences. But it is possible, and somehow it seems that you’re experiecing it with your two friends Alex.

my mind is literally empty half of the time so i never know what to say and i just feel like i bore him…

Oh, I relate to that, so much. And if that can be of any comfort, know that you and I are definitely not the only ones to struggle with that. For example, I’m so scared to be annoying and boring to someone that I tend to be stressed when there are silences during a conversation. I feel like I have to “perform” something and prove that I’m worth the time they spend with me. It creates a vicious circle when I panick in my head and I don’t know what to say anymore. That’s how much anxiety sucks sometimes… But ultimately people who genuinely care about us don’t really care about those things. They only want us to be okay. Keep in mind that this might be more your fears/insecurities that are speaking than how you are truly perceived by your friend. On their end, they probably just enjoy spending some time with you (or who knows, maybe they’re also afraid to be boring sometimes?). Same for what you mentioned about sending youtube videos to your other friends. Even if they don’t respond, it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re bothering them. But if you’re afraid to actually be annoying, then you might conclude automatically that it’s what is happening.

If you’d like to challenge those thoughts sometimes, there’s an app called MoodSpace that includes a “thought diary” exercise to try to reframe your fears and identify what’s true or not in a situation. I’ve been using it when I felt very vulnerable, and it helped me a lot to just sit down and clarify my thoughts.

i mean it’s true when they say that your past really does haunt you because all of this shit just makes me quesiton if it’s worth living.

It is worth it, friend. It really is. Your past may overwhelm you sometimes, but it doesn’t define you. You are more than your past experiences. It doesn’t mean you can forget or change what happened. But you can learn on your own time to be at peace with it and live the life you deserve.

i want help but at the same time i just want to be left alone to rot and cry and feel worthless and all of the pain that i deserve. i like the pain. i’m an emotional masochist. things that weigh down on my heart make me feel good. pain is the only thing in my life that brings me comfort because pain can’t really let you down, right??

Pain is something you know and learned, unfortunately, to get used to. It can become your comfort zone, to the point of feeling like someone’s love for you would be suspicious and hurtful. But you are not made to be stuck in this position. What you were forced to learn before can be unlearned, especially with the help of people who genuinely care about you. In the meantime, it’s okay to feel lost, divided between reaching out and running away. Being aware of this inner division is already a very important strength that you have. It will serve you to make healthy and right decisions for yourself.

i just break down and start imagining myself sitting on a bridge, crying, and somebody comes to help saying youre loved and all of the basic stuff. but they don’t know me? they don’t know anything about me or the people in my life, right? so why would they do that? why would they stand there and just spit out more and more lies to me. i’m tired of everyone lying to me…

It makes sense to imagine those things. When you feel invisible and rejected by everyone, you can start to wish that someone would actually see you and, somehow, save you during your darkest times.

I hear how much honesty is important and needed right now in your life. So I’ll never take the risk to lie to you. I can assure you that, right here, right now, you are loved and cared for. It’s been a moment that you’re here on this forum. And it’s always a privilege to do life with you, also to learn to know you better, whether it’s through difficult or better times. You always have a safe place here. You belong, friend.

(PS - Thanks for the heads up @Sarah :heart:)

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