so i’ve kind of just been numb to things for the past few months and it’s been kind of nice but recently i’ve started feeling everything again. it’s fine and i can usually just deal with it and ignore it now but right now just fucking sucks… i’m always angry… i’m always sad… i just want to die. nobody cares about me. if i weren’t to message anybody i would genuinely just be alone because nobody bothers to want to ever talk to me, it’s never like that. i either have to message everyone first or it just doesn’t happen. i don’t think my friends hate me but i don’t think that they like me either, they just put up with me. my entire family hates me too. i don’t like talking to my parents and i try talking to my brother, i get ignored, calls declined and messages unanswered. same with my sister in law and with my niece who is around a year and a half younger than me. both of my sisters ignore me as well. my one sister sees my message and then just tells my mom i messaged her instead of messaging me back. everyone still favourites my fuck up of a sister too. they always liked her more than me. she’s ten years older but even everyone (my nieces and their friends) even liked her better than they liked me. it’s always been this way. nobody has ever liked me as a person. i got bullied for it growing up. first time it happened was in second grade when somebody i was kind of friends with asked me to go trick or treating with them and their friends big sister just started calling me names and physically pushing me away from everyone. second time was in fifth grade. i was “friends” with these two girls named emily and hailey. i say “friends” because i was young and didn’t realize they didn’t like me, even though hailey blatantly expressed that she didn’t… every single day… i still hung out with them though and apparently i never got the memo. so emily just started making fun of me cause i always had my hair up. ??? because i had my hair up?? that’s literally why i got physically bullied??? she would always tug on my hair and try to get me to take it down and would push me around until she literally forced herself on top of me and held me down and tugged on my hair til the hair tie came out was weird but i could tolerate it, even if it happened now. then i entered middle school. i joined a friend group in which i thought would be cool but everyone had secretly hated me. for the first year i never caught on but in seventh and eighth grade, i did. they would always make fun of me and just call me rude names and pick on me for my fûcking hand size even?? something i can’t even control?? i also got bullied for my nose and was constantly called gruu (the guy from despicable me) in my seventh grade english class by this kid named michael. in eighth grade, the same stuff continued but this time during gym. there was this one girl lindsey who would punch me in the stomach. i don’t know why she did it but she did. i was still excluded from everything and everyone hated me and still just made rude comments to me everyday. i suppose it isn’t as bad as i make it out to be, looking back. but i still never grew up with any friends and my parents or sister would never play with me so i was always alone and i still am. i guess ive kind of grown to like being alone but it’s mainly because i am always hurt by everyone around me. it sucks… i think about the two friends i ahve now though. both named alex so i’ll just say panda and blue. blue is cool. she lets me be myself and i’m able to be loud around her, something i can’t do with literally anyone else, not because they don’t like it, but because i won’t allow myself to be. i just feel like she doesn’t like me and never wants me to bother her or anything but there i go annoying her with messages about fuckin minecraft youtubers. we both like them and we don’t have a lot in common so i use that to try and spark a conversation but most of the time it gets ignored… then there’s panda. he’s sweet. he’s like my kid brother and i would kill for him. he always replies to me when i message him and it’s nice to be able to talk to him but my mind is literally empty half of the time so i never know what to say and i just feel like i bore him… especially since he never messages me unless i message him first as well. i care about both panda and blue deeply but i just feel like… idk… oh i never went into my parents growing up i think i talked about it in other posts, as well as about some of this stuff. i don’t know… i mean it’s true when they say that your past really does haunt you because all of this shit just makes me quesiton if it’s worth living. i just break down and start imagining myself sitting on a bridge, crying, and somebody comes to help saying youre loved and all of the basic stuff. but they don’t know me? they don’t know anything about me or the people in my life, right? so why would they do that? why would they stand there and just spit out more and more lies to me. i’m tired of everyone lying to me… i don’t know if it’s just my anxiety or what but… i’m just sick of it… also… everyone says it’s just your imagination, nothing serious when there’s other topics but then when you start imagining suicide, suddenly it’s real? suddenly you need help? everything is a fantasy though, so why… why isn’t the same logic applied there?
i want help but at the same time i just want to be left alone to rot and cry and feel worthless and all of the pain that i deserve. i like the pain. i’m an emotional masochist. things that weigh down on my heart make me feel good. pain is the only thing in my life that brings me comfort because pain can’t really let you down, right??