Numb by day, vivid dreams by night

I recently lost my sibling and I cried the day that it happened but I haven’t cried since. My coping mechanism seems to be to just try to live my life and continue on which works during the day and when I’m not reminded of what happened. When I go to sleep at night however I have vivid dreams of my lost sibling and when I wake up I always have a small glimmer of hope that they are still alive then realize they aren’t and will be gone forever. Then I just continue on with my day again. To everyone else I seem as though I’m acting so normal that on several occasions my father has yelled at me that my sibling is dead like I dont know because I seem as though I dont? It makes me feel guilty and like I am not grieving enough but also personally I feel as though they would want me to live my life to the fullest despite them being gone because they were a go getter and a life liver. I just question if I will ever have that moment when I break down and really realize. I have struggled with bipolar in the past so right now as I am just living my life and seeming unphased a wonder if this is somehow one very long manic episode and if at a point I will hit the worst depressive time of my life. I don’t know i just feel like I needed to write this somewhere.

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I know Life is hard right now losing a loved one is never easy. But they would want you to keep living your life grieving is perfectly natural its going to take some time. But you’ll be ok don’t feel guilty for how you feel right now. Its’s ok If you need to talk we are here for you. XOXO Phantom