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Numbness at its finest, rock bottom


#1

to continue on from my last post, since my boyfriend started distancing himself form me, that only made me come on to him way harder. Which of course is pathetic and stupid of me. After I irrationally blocked him because I was angry he was distancing himself, he reached out to me and said that he understands why i did what i did and that he respects me. I waited a few days to reply and we mutually agreed we needed some time to take a break but wanted to hang out with our joint owned dog one last time. We planned a nice hike and lunch. The hike ended up not working out so we went back to his place. I waited downstairs while he went upstairs to wash off his feet from the beach. about 10 minutes go by and he’s still up there so i go upstairs to see whats taking so long. Not even a minute goes by and he flat out says “so you want to fuck?” Im all what? I’m not even in the mood? (thinking to myself that wow he has so little respect for me he cant even make a move on me anymore). Anyways I give in, it was good sex, but after he immediately dropped me off and then never reached out to me. The next day after a long day of school and work i reached out to him to smoke some weed and he replied with sorry I’m at a friends drinking lets just hangout in a few days. This friend he was with was also my friend so i was confused as to why I was not allowed at this house for a little. He responded by telling me he just didn’t want me to come and i later found out that one of my closest girl friends was there later that night. So now i feel like he’s keeping me from hanging with my own group of friends! One thing led to the next and I then begin to beg him to be my friend still and about how much i miss my best friend. He was my rock for almost 2 years and in within a week he wants nothing to do with me for no reason at all. He complies with what I’m saying by saying he still wants to be friends and we can still talk and that hell reach out to me this weekend. The next day i decide to unblock him on social media just for overall peace of the situation. He denies me request. I reach out to him again and ask him why? I ask why is he one day fucking me, the next ignoring me, then the next telling me he wants to be friends, and then the next he is denying my attempt to make all well. He tells me he needs time to think about everything and thats why he denied my request via social media. At this point I’ve realized he just does not care about me anymore. There is no explanation for this, it all happened so fast, and i am left heartbroken again by the same guy who broke my heart a year ago. To top off this, my mom, who i confide in hates me because I have been lying to her about my contact with him. I was lying to her because I was ashamed but then told her the truth. She wants nothing to do with me and now I feel even more alone. I feel numb to all this now. I have never felt more alone. I feel like i need to start all over. With myself, with friends, and with a lover. It all seems like to much. I cant get out of bed, I can feel any sense of happiness. I just feel pathetic and lost and NUMB. I cant handle this.


#2

I feel like I have a similar story. I’m really glad I got counseling. It’s not like everything is fine again, but I’m still here. I think you need to lose this guy. As I type this, I can barely see my phone screen because I’m feeling so numb about my relationship. So, easy said, harder to do.
But rock bottom can teach you a lot. Make space to hear the lessons, not matter how painful and wrong it feels. And remember that God speaks in whispers.
I hope this helps, but who knows? I’m down here with you.


#3

Wow. Honey, it sounds like you’ve really been tossed around by this guy. I know he was someone who you really cared for, but it seems like at this point he isn’t worth your energy. You’re giving him all of this heart and effort but he’s not appreciating it.
It’s never easy to move on from relationships that we loved and cared for but you deserve to be treated with love, kindness and respect. Someone who appreciates you, uplifts, supports and cares for you.

I’m sorry that you’ve been hurt so badly and that your mom is distancing from you for it. Maybe you can sit down with your mom and just talk to her. Tell her you need her right now.

I hope that you are able to find some peace and resolve in all of this. Hopefully you will be able to just cut off from this guy. As he seemingly doesn’t care much about the friendship. Don’t set yourself up for more hurt ):

Hold fast friend

  • Kitty