On the 22nd of January it will be 2 months since my died and 1 month since we attended the funeral. I still feel numb about everything that happened and I haven’t cried much,I i feel guilty for not crying but I do think about him every single day. Most nights I will dream about him and in the last dream I had he told me he wishes he was alive. Usually when I have dreams about my dad i get stuck in them and I tend to wake up in the afternoon or I would have nightmares about my family rejecting me or ganging up on me.
I’ve been out of work for a couple of months since he passed and so due to me having time off work i have to attend wellbeing’s with my manager to see how i’m doing. I get asked how they can support me and i give them the same answer, they can’t. They can’t bring my dad back to life and they can’t do anything to change this. At this point in time I feel okay like i can do stuff but sometimes I just do stuff to distract me from thinking or just finding the words to explain how i feel escapes me.
I used to be able to pretend i was okay or even use my fake customer service voice but i literally can’t anymore. I find it so exhausting and it lend to point where I felt like everyday was pointless. I have a couple more weeks till I go back to work and I’m hoping feel some other type of emotion soon but i’m worried I won’t or I need more time off I’m concerned about how my job is going to react to it.
and due to the time of that I have to have wellbeing reviews to see how I am but i hate going to them be