OCD has made life worthless to me

Hi, I’m going to try and write this in the best possible way. Although I don’t know what I’m doing.

Important Info about myself:

I was diagnosed with OCD by several doctors, I am unfortunately homosexual, and my parents don’t believe in either of those things…


Okay, I’m going to tell you about my life in as fast as a way possible so you can understand me easily, hopefully.

Early Childhood: 1 - 10 years old

I was bullied constantly by kids and teachers alike for many reasons, I was beaten up a few times but nothing too bad I guess. I made a friend at no joke 2 months old and I’m still friends with him today.

at 6 years old (this is gonna hurt me but I want help so I’m going, to be honest) I had a friend who lived next door to me she was my friend we would hang out and play together most days until one day she wanted to do something different. and I didn’t she bullied me got her friends to harass me and I gave in and a month or 2 later my dad found out and stopped it at the time I thought my life was over even though it was probably a good thing. That would scar me for a long time.

In 3rd grade, I was friends with a boy we were friends but THE EXACT SAME THING HAPPENED…

because I’m an idiot…

at about 7 is when the OCD entered the picture

god, how I hate myself…

Middle childhood 12 - 14

as I went through puberty I noticed I didn’t seem to like girls but I started to like guys more this scared me as my dad is Catholic and my mom refers to gay people as F*ggots and plenty of other insults.

I prayed for months for it to stop but nothing happened the feelings got stronger and I found myself wanting to die.

Modern times: 16 - 18 (aka now)

when I was young the rituals from the OCD were calm and easy to control but now they cripple my life, I don’t know what to do, I went to a therapist but have only had minimum help, I went to a psychiatrist and she gave me meds but they haven’t done much.

We I was 16 or a freshman in high school I broke down I wanted to kill myself, I tried cutting and other stuff, I didn’t want to be gay or have what I now know as OCD at the time my parents would remind me weekly if not daily that (I didn’t come out btw) I was a useless piece of sht Fg who should die…

so I snapped and I told my teacher I couldn’t do it anymore and he took me to the hospital but overall he was one of the kindest teachers there were.

when I got to the hospital my dad was extremely angry and saying this was all my fault and that I was going to be taken away and tortured by doctors since I wanted to die, I didn’t like the pain I just wanted to die.

after that happened a doctor evaluated me I lied on every question saying everything is fine she said I was lying and that I had strong symptoms of OCD later 3 others would say the same, but after my dad talked to her for about 1 hour she agreed to let me go home and my mom didn’t talk to me for 2 weeks and I started online high school which was unbearably depressing.

so now I sit here typing this on the verge of tears at what I let myself become I legitimately see no value to life since this OCD will always be with me…

“The OCD is apart of me, I hate it, therefore, I hate me.”

I’m full of self-pity I guess others have it worse but that doesn’t mean its any better for me… eh

1 Like

you’re allowed to feel bad about anything that’s going on in your life, you don’t need to compare to others. your problems are valid and matter, but also for the record, you’ve been through a lot. i am also gay, i didn’t have the same experience as you, but i know how hard it is to not be accepted. just know that there’s nothing wrong with you for being gay. also, there’s nothing wrong with you for having ocd either. i don’t know if you’ve tried this before, but a therapist and potentially some medication can really help make the ocd much more manageable. i know you can get through this, pal, hang in there💙

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I am sorry that your parents do not understand and that people who you thought were your friends turned out not to be. As @limeytea said it is okay to be gay and it is okay to have OCD. You did not ask to struggle with those things. You matter and are valid. I know this is easier said than done but find someone that you can connect with and talk to them. Also everyone here at Heartsupport cares about you and are willing to help and listen to you. BTW I’m gay and Catholic as well I can relate to family and friends not accepting you. Keep hanging in there and know that you can talk about anything and everything without being judged.

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