Hi, I’m going to try and write this in the best possible way. Although I don’t know what I’m doing.
Important Info about myself:
I was diagnosed with OCD by several doctors, I am unfortunately homosexual, and my parents don’t believe in either of those things…
WARNING THIS MAY BE LONG…
Okay, I’m going to tell you about my life in as fast as a way possible so you can understand me easily, hopefully.
Early Childhood: 1 - 10 years old
I was bullied constantly by kids and teachers alike for many reasons, I was beaten up a few times but nothing too bad I guess. I made a friend at no joke 2 months old and I’m still friends with him today.
at 6 years old (this is gonna hurt me but I want help so I’m going, to be honest) I had a friend who lived next door to me she was my friend we would hang out and play together most days until one day she wanted to do something different. and I didn’t she bullied me got her friends to harass me and I gave in and a month or 2 later my dad found out and stopped it at the time I thought my life was over even though it was probably a good thing. That would scar me for a long time.
In 3rd grade, I was friends with a boy we were friends but THE EXACT SAME THING HAPPENED…
because I’m an idiot…
at about 7 is when the OCD entered the picture
god, how I hate myself…
Middle childhood 12 - 14
as I went through puberty I noticed I didn’t seem to like girls but I started to like guys more this scared me as my dad is Catholic and my mom refers to gay people as F*ggots and plenty of other insults.
I prayed for months for it to stop but nothing happened the feelings got stronger and I found myself wanting to die.
Modern times: 16 - 18 (aka now)
when I was young the rituals from the OCD were calm and easy to control but now they cripple my life, I don’t know what to do, I went to a therapist but have only had minimum help, I went to a psychiatrist and she gave me meds but they haven’t done much.
We I was 16 or a freshman in high school I broke down I wanted to kill myself, I tried cutting and other stuff, I didn’t want to be gay or have what I now know as OCD at the time my parents would remind me weekly if not daily that (I didn’t come out btw) I was a useless piece of sht Fg who should die…
so I snapped and I told my teacher I couldn’t do it anymore and he took me to the hospital but overall he was one of the kindest teachers there were.
when I got to the hospital my dad was extremely angry and saying this was all my fault and that I was going to be taken away and tortured by doctors since I wanted to die, I didn’t like the pain I just wanted to die.
after that happened a doctor evaluated me I lied on every question saying everything is fine she said I was lying and that I had strong symptoms of OCD later 3 others would say the same, but after my dad talked to her for about 1 hour she agreed to let me go home and my mom didn’t talk to me for 2 weeks and I started online high school which was unbearably depressing.
so now I sit here typing this on the verge of tears at what I let myself become I legitimately see no value to life since this OCD will always be with me…
“The OCD is apart of me, I hate it, therefore, I hate me.”
I’m full of self-pity I guess others have it worse but that doesn’t mean its any better for me… eh