I’m still pretty new here and have been trying to do my best to give advice and observe the community before I decided to really vent. I feel like everyone here has way worse issues than I do and it almost makes me feel bad for posting but oh well I guess.
I’ve been feeling pretty down and drained lately and I figured it was maybe stress from work or lack of sleep. Given my history, I decided to try out some of the dwarf planet exercises to see if maybe it’s my depression coming back and I think it is.
For those of you that didn’t read my introduction, I was diagnosed with Personality Disorder NOS (Avoidant and Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder mix), Generalized Anxiety, Social Phobia and Transient Depression in 2012. The anxiety is fairly under control (I think, not as sure anymore since this bout of depression kind of snuck up on me.), but the depression is starting to get out of hand and I know the Personality Disorder has a big part to play in that.
When I did the Dwarf Planet exercises, I realized that a lot of my issues have a few things in common. Either I have no control over the situation and feel trapped, I feel like I’m trying and failing, and I have trouble communicating. Those two first things - those are a big part of OCPD. The mindset that I absolutely must have control and everything I do must be perfect or I’ve failed.
Lately it seems like everything has been out of control. There’s Covid of course, which I’ve been quarantining a month longer than everyone else because I quit my old job right before everything hit the fan in the world and I just stayed home because I wanted to relax before I started my new career (I wouldn’t have quit my job without having another one secured.).
Then there’s my new career. I absolutely love it, don’t get me wrong, but it’s a tech job with a HUGE learning curve and I’m the first employee to train for the job entirely online and it’s starting to next really frustrating for me. To add to that, all my teammates are swamped with work so it makes me feel bad to ask for help. My manager assures me that I’m doing and amazing job and it scares her to death that I might leave. But again, that voice in my head says that I’m not actually doing that well, I’m actually screwing up and they just don’t want to make me feel bad. Add to that the fact that I can control how and when I train which makes me feel like eventually I just won’t be as impressive and could lose my job, which I worked so hard to get.
And I feel bad because my husband tries so hard to make me happy and I have problems expressing myself when I am experiencing intense emotion, because as I kid my emotions were never validated so I just started repressing them all and now whenever I am overwhelmed I can’t put a sentence together because I don’t know how. I wish I was better at talking to my husband. I have expressed my frustration at my inability to communicate and he says he understands and it’s ok - he has Asperger’s and acknowledges how difficult it is to communicate, and to be honest, sometimes I feel so bad about myself as a person that I’m glad he has Asperger’s because if he didn’t he probably wouldn’t pick up on how bad of a person I think I am and would leave me… I don’t know where that part of me came from but I don’t like it at all.
I know things could be worse. I have a loving husband who cares for me, my own apartment, 2 vehicles, no debt, a great job. I have a lot to be thankful for. But I just can’t get out of my head and get rid of those thoughts that tell me I’m not good enough, I’m not doing a perfect job, I’m not trying hard enough and if I don’t do better I’m just going to lose everything and it will all be my fault.
I might’ve found a therapist that my insurance will cover and now I’m trying to work up the courage to visit them. I know I need the help but I’ve been doing this on my own for years and suddenly I’m afraid to go through with this. Sorry for the long rant but I just needed to get all of this out, I’m tired of how badly I treat myself even when I feel like I can’t possibly try any harder but I don’t know how to silence that voice and I know personality disorders are hard to treat.