I have reached the very end of my nerves. I ran out of them, I’m all out. I am at the end of all capacities that ever existed. I am done.
I said this before, but I really mean it, I hate my life. I’m at out of strength and willpower to live.
Last week I got off the antidepressants that I took for a couple of months because they didn’t do shit for me, only gave me crazy mood swings. So then I started taking other meds. Meds that aren’t antidepressants, but treat a different mental illness, and I’m pretty scared of them working because that would mean I have that other illness and I don’t know how I’d handle knowing that.
My entire body is in pain and my brain is working against me. (The physical pain isn’t from the meds…)
I have reached my end.
I just want to die.
The handful of people that I trust are all super busy or are struggling themselves, so I can’t put even more on their plate.
Also, I think it wouldn’t be good to trouble them with something they can’t change and won’t like.
I have this deep desire to go to sleep and stay in neverland. I have this urge to go see where rainbows end and where land meets sky. I have this longing to see where clouds rest and where raindrops house.
One day, in a thousand lifetimes, someone will read this and know where I went.
So you have reached the end of your nerves. You are exhausted. You don’t feel that you can do another thing. Having the willpower to live is a difficult goal when you don’t feel like doing anything.
Response to medication is different for everyone. Some people have to keep tweaking dosages and even the kind of medication taken for many years, sometimes even life. I have a sister-in-law who has had a severe bipolar disorder for over 30 years. She manages the symptoms by alternating medications. The body grows “tolerant” of medications over time, which means they lose their effectiveness. That’s when a med change is in order. It’s not always been smooth sailing for her, but more often than not, she is content with their life.
Very often, medications are used for “off label” purposes. For example, I take Guanfacine, which was originally used to treat blood pressure. However, if taken with Wellbutrin, the antidepressant effect is much improved. Don’t worry about whether a medication is meant to treat one thing or another, as many of them treat multiple conditions.
If you don’t want to talk to your friends about how you’re feeling, find someone else, for example a counselor and/or a support group. Dial 211, and they can help you.
Neverland sounds tempting, as does weightless drifting among the clouds and stars. There is nothing wrong with daydreaming, unless you’re driving or operating dangerous machinery. Daydreaming is actually a form of meditation, and it can actually be very beneficial for the brain.
Don’t feel bad about wanting to hang around Neverland, or some other intriguing place.
When it comes to treatment, you still have unexplored options. Keep an open mind, and be persistent in seeking help.
I just got off Wellbutrin…funny
The meds I’m taking now are originally for epilepsy, but are used for bipolar disorder.
My psychiatrist now thinks that underneath all that depression and anxiety sleeps a weird form of bipolar shit….
What’s the use of keeping to try figuring out if there’s no reason to keep living in the first place…
But thanks for being the only one who reads my fucked up writings….
I will keep you in my prayers
The HeartSupport Houston team responded to your post here.
Hold Fast friend, and lean on our community.
There’s nothing fucked up about saying how you feel. Reason? Purpose? I think the bottom line is to share Love. There’s not enough of it, but it’s worth seeking and giving. There’s someone who needs your unique expression of love and empathy. You deserve to be loved. Love yourself unconditionally. People have been conditioned to shame themselves as a way to improve. It doesn’t work, and it’s not fair.
I was about twenty years old before I actually experienced genuine love. Some may have loved me before that, but I couldn’t feel it. When the opportunity comes, allow yourself to feel loved.
Screwing around with medications can be tedious and discouraging, but there remains the possibility that the right thing will be found for you.
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