Okay so I have a lot to talk about and-

[Amaris]

It’s a long story but please listen to me.

My dad talked abou having this strong connection with this girl he’s having. Becuase my brother woke and brought on this whole conversation at of nowhere. It stressed me out so much I had to hide away in room. And after hearing his story, it brought forth a past situationship. Though emotional cheating was never apart of my story but something similar had happened.

And it felt like he was being completely honest this time. Like my intuition didn’t detect any lie this time. The way he explained it, having a strong pull towards someone else. And the other person feeling it too. And despite the dysfunction between two people, they still have that pull and its frustrating. It was overwhelming and it was throwing me off.

Flashback, okay when I was 16 years old. I met someone online, who was from this same community and we chatted a lot of discord. There was this instant connection, a spark. We had so so so many things in common, it was surreal. So many weird things happened between us and it was so fucking weird and im getting flooded with it all. Let’s call him pup for the sake of this. And I pray to God he doesn’t see this and recognize that it’s him. But if he is here, hey pup you really changed my life and I still love you friend.

Me and pup seemed inseparable for a while in terms of our energy. And whenever we were apart something would bring us back to each other or we knew exactly when one of us was going to text, like an energetic ping. It was so hard to separate. We online dated on and off, there were fights, stressful moments, passionate moments, and so much more.

When my dad said that women was a soulmate. I felt that, I felt his experience. I felt like pup was my soulmate and pup somehow felt the same. And we slowly drifted apart because we knew it wasn’t healthy to be together. Last time I talked to him, he had just gotten into a new relationship. She had something that she could offer that I couldn’t at first I was distraught but knowing that this was his chance to be truly happy. I let him go. Ever since then, his online username has been burned into the top left corner of my phone screen. Literally, its faint but I can still see it when its on a white background.

And one more thing about that situation, you may call my crazy of looney for this but trust me, it felt so weird when it happened. Okay so they have all these tarot videos on youtube, I used to be very obsessed with them. And I watched one, picked a pile and this women read the whole situation. Like she accurately described who I was thinking about. And it scared me alot, im naturally a superstitious kind of person and after that connection, weird stuff continues to happen.

And lately I like to brush it off as coincidence because I always want to stay logical, I don’t want people to think im looney even though my mind is open to other possibilities. Like the universe is so big and its so crazy.

I like to joke a lot about how the oldest bears the family’s sins and now i’m going through it right now. I have the experience that could help the situation but no way am i ready to talk about this time anyone in my real life. My parents always told me not to talk to people online and are very much against it. They know i’ve done that in the past and I don’t want to bring it up again since my mom is happy about my “good streak” which means no emotional outbreaks or crying or doing things im not supposed to.

To end this off…
I’ve always loved fictional characters and using my imagination. Its been a long time since I’ve had a comfort character and I think found one at the right time, I just really need comfort. And I like to imagine just resting in their arms since their the nurturing type. It’s what’s helping me get through this.

[Micro]

Hey @Amaris,

You are not crazy at all. It’s actually an honor that you take the time to share this story of yours and how meaningful it is for you. That’s how it is: meaningful, which doesn’t have to be approved by anyone else but you. And honestly, I can surely relate to some extent to the feelings you describe, the emotions you have felt as well. I think it’s actually a beautiful description of what love is at first - when it is all about this first spark that we have and the emotions it creates in our heart. It all makes sense, really.

It’s interesting that your dad shared honestly how he’s been feeling for this woman, as it opened a door for you to look within yourself and relate somehow. You know, if you would like to express the fact that you understand, you can also show that you use your empathy for that, without having to share your specific experience of it with pup. That is what we do all the time here on this forum for example - we don’t need to have been through same experiences to be able to relate to someone at an emotional level. This is possible for you with your dad too, if that is something you’d be willing to do of course.

I am glad that he has been trying to be honest about it, and truly share what’s on his heart. It is probably important for him to not be seen only as the “bad guuy”, but simply as a human being who’s experiencing feelings and emotions that could happen to anyone. The decisions that were made afterwards, of course, are still a personal responsibility.

I hope your comfort character brings you a needed feeling a safety. Also that going through these memories again didn’t stress you or hurt you too much. I imagine that it must be hard to still feel this connection with a distance. Kind of a distant dream that remains weirdly close too.

Take care of yourself Amaris. You are loved.

[Amaris]

Thank you, my dad says he’s working on talking less to her and I believe it. And I can see he isn’t texting as much but he still is. Only time will tell if he recovers. He’s been sleeping horribly after not talking to her for a while and he mentions that it affects both of them. I feel for my dad but sometimes I can’t bare to look at him or even hug him anymore. I love him but its like I want to get away from him.

In this whole situation, my mom is hurting the most. For like the past week, she has tasked me and my brother to keep spying on my dad which isn’t really helping the situation. Because she can’t talk to him and he can’t talk to her. So now everything is up to me I guess to fix it

[Sita]

that sounds like a sort of unfair thing to put on children’s shoulders because you two are not responsible for tracking his actions. it’s up to them to fix their adult relationship without making the kids be their confidants nor their pawns in the whole thing. It’s good that they’re both talking to you about it separaately, but it is NOT up to you to fix anything because it’s not your relationship to fix.

It is two grown adults who chose to be in this relationship. It is up to the parents to figure out what they are doing, not the kids who are still dependent on them for their food, shelter and security. on the same note, it would do more good for your father to also be having those conversations with your mother about his deep feelings.

I know my response sounds harsh, but I really want you to know that if things go bad, it’s not your fault or for you to blame yourself. There are stories where parents have split and yet remain friendly with each other, but the parents need to work hard with each other for that.

[DiscordReply]

From: eloquentpetrichor

Hello again, Amaris! Thank you for updating us again.

That’s cool that you’ve managed to find a way to see the situation from your dad’s side, but I feel like this whole situation is something that should be dealt with by your parents and that they should not be asking you and your brother to be involved at all. I hope you and he are able to stay away from the drama between your parents for the sake of your own mental health. They are adults and they should be dealing with it themselves and talking to each other. I hope things work out for the best for your family.

As a side note your friendship with pup sounds very special. I’m sorry it has been so hard on you. Stay strong, friend

[DiscordReply]

From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hi Amaris I can see why and how you have managed to relate to your Dad a bit more, I think you are seeing more of your Dad as a man as apposed to being “a dad” and now you can relate more to that situation and the feelings involved and how they can get out of hand I hope you can have some understanding of how it happened, not that it was right but how it happens and that none of it was aimed at you or was ever meant to hurt you. As we get older we relate more and more to our parents and all the issues that they face and learn just how normal they are and not on that pedastal that we put them on all throughout our childhoods, they mess up, they make huge mistakes and thats ok the only thing they should try to do is protect their children from those things and that is where i worry for you, I would love you to continue to grow and live your life without all of this as none of it is yours to be concerned with, you have your own mistakes to make and excitement to have. Much Love Lisa

[Micro]

I feel for my dad but sometimes I can’t bare to look at him or even hug him anymore. I love him but its like I want to get away from him.

Feeling that way is absolutely valid, @Amaris. He’s your dad. You love him (and you have the right to feel so!). It’s not like your affection for him could suddenly dissapear. However, he’s also hurt and disappointed you. He’s made you feel betrayed, which has created an important wound on your heart. So you are in this situation with conflicted emotions. All of them are valid and make absolutely sense. The fact that you are aware of how you feel in such a thoughtful way is actually a real strength and will certainly serve you more and more with time. It will allow you to be truthful to yourself and to him, depending on how the situation is going to evolve.

So now everything is up to me I guess to fix it

No it’s not. Your parents need time. They both, individually and then certainly together, will need to figure out how they feel, what they want, and how they want their relationship to be. Maybe they will fix it, maybe they won’t, but in both cases the outcomes of their relationship is their right to decide. I know it is very hard for you to see people you love hurting like that and feeling somehow powerless. Wanting to intervene is a way to regain some control over a situation that brings its share of helplessness - which is a terrible feeling and position. But the only thing that matter, as one of the children, is for you to keep pursuing your relationships both with your dad and your mom the way you would like to. You are not their therapist, and you won’t be able to force actions they don’t want to take. They will need to figure all of this by themselves, on their own time. Actually, letting their freedom to decide existing is a deep mark of love and respect, probably one of the most powerful that is. I know it’s hard to release our grip when the only thing we want is to help and for everyone to be happy though. It is, like many other things, a learning process that we meet through specific life circumstances, like the one you are in right now.

The only responsibility you have, to some extent, is to care for yourself and make sure your needs are met through all of this.