I’ve been depressed for a long time. I hit my lowest in college when I was failing out of the major I really wanted to pursue because I couldn’t focus and I had issues with asking for help. I switched into a new major that is basically worthless and it is the degree I now have and do nothing with.
I found some old papers from my school showing my old failing grades and the administrative letters telling me I wasn’t able to pursue my major anymore. They brought up all of my worst feelings of failure again. I’ve felt like a failure most of my life but that was the first time it had been pointed out to me with actual evidence saying “see you are a failure”. I had been doing a lot better lately but those papers shoved me back down and so I decided to come here for the first time. I found heartsupport’s twitch stream not too long ago and they have been helping me a lot just with the supportive atmosphere they create. I think I mostly just needed to say how I’m feeling but no one in my life knows about my depression so I can’t go to them with this.
Hey @Hufflepuff, welcome to Heart Support! I hope that this can be a place where you feel welcomed and loved. Thank you so much for being here and sharing because that takes a whole lot of strength.
I’ve had similar experiences of feeling like a failure, so I can relate at least a little bit with what you are going through and know how difficult that can be. I am so sorry. Something that has helped me is realizing that if I make a mistake, I am not that mistake. That is not my identity. I am so much more than that. I still have a lot of anxiety around failure and also have negative thoughts about past failures flood my mind, but I’ve been trying to show myself a little more grace and love and I hope that you can too . You are awesome and you are not a failure. You have a whole community here that cares about you if you need it.
I’m super glad that you found this place thanks to the twitch streams, but even more grateful that you feel safe enough to share your heart here. Thank you so much.
It can be incredibly hard for our loved ones to understand our struggles, and for us to break a huge wall of fear and shame. Whether you’ll talk to people in your life or not about what’s going on, you can always count on this community to be a safety net everytime you need it. As someone who struggles with a depression as well, I understand how lonely it is to lead this battle sometimes. How silent and quiet, yet incredibly draining it is on a daily basis. You’re not alone, friend. And your efforts are not unseen. <3
I can only imagine how it was for you to see those grades and letters. Definitely the kind of thing that reopens old wounds, especially if we’re not at peace with it. College can be a cruel environment. Really hard to not define ourselves through the results we produce and just our capacity to fit in or not.
But you’re not a failure for the grades you had or because you switched for a different major at some point. College is shaped in a certain way, with its own codes, and it can be pretty wild to survive through the years of studying. It doesn’t embrace all the capacities that each student has. Maybe this major wasn’t for you, but your results will never make you a failure or condemn you for the rest of your life. It’s a time in your life when you had to reconsider your options, change your path, and maybe it will push you to be even more creative in the future than someone who’d follow a “regular” path. This journey is yours, uniquely yours. Each wound is an opportunity for growth, and maybe finding those letters again could be an opportunity to try to forgive yourself, at your own pace.
Your capacities exist beyond any college standard. Grades and academic paths are a way to measure specific requirements, but certainly not to measure your worth. You are so, so much more.
. You are awesome and you are not a failure. You have a whole community here that cares about you if you need it.