I’ve been lurking on the streams and here for quite some time now, without ever saying a word. So as a quick note I’d like to thank you all for what you are doing, it feels very important and noble of you.
Right then. Last few years of my life have been mentally so tiring I considered giving up a few times but I never took any action towards that. Besides what could probably be a depression (though I’ve never talked with a therapist before, so I can’t say with certainty), I’ve constantly had these thoughts in my head, almost every day so far that gnaw on my mind with vicious fervour. Gender dysphoria is most probably what those could be called.
Over a month ago I’ve managed to land an uninspiring job in a city bigger than my hometown, that pays little but enough for me to move there just a week ago. All of my contracts are signed for a year, which pushed me to finally make the decision. I want to transition. Why does this statement appear only now? Mostly because I’ve been thinking that no matter what I’d go through I would never pass. Without giving out too much information, one of the problems is being quite tall, standing around 198cm, which already makes it hard to blend in and brings a few annoyances with it.
The decision has been made though, I want to transition. What now? Well at this point my option is to wait this one year and then move abroad. As it turns out my country, its government and quite a lot of its citizens are against or even aggressive towards LGBT people. I’d be scared for my life here and that’s the last thing I need with how already taxing transitioning would be. There’s one country in Europe I’d like to move to, as it seems friendly enough and has one specific trans clinic that my friend recommended.
That’s where the giving up comes again. Whatever resolve I had while making the decision to finally start the transition after moving abroad seems gone. Even though I know that I can either end up miserable as a man or try transitioning and maybe not end up miserable as a woman, the energy it gave me is gone. Dysphoria is at its highest right now, it’s still a year left till I can change countries, I’ve got two unrelated surgeries to sign up for, deal with a dentist after that and while doing all of that I need to save up money. Then it’s a matter of moving abroad with those funds, finding a place to stay, work that will employ me, deal with all the formalities and only then I can visit the clinic and start my actual journey.
I don’t know if I’ll end up looking female enough for people to not see me as a tall man after HRT and possible surgeries. All the things I need to do in order to even get to the starting point of the transition overwhelm me. Every day I wake up, I look in the mirror and just want to cry. Most of my time at work I spend almost constantly thinking about all of this.
I’m running on fumes and just keep forcing myself forward. I don’t know for how much longer I can keep on doing it. That’s how I end up on the verge of giving up every single day until I fall asleep exhausted and repeat the same cycle after waking up.
I could’ve probably explained it way better but it’s hard to put such a span of time in a single post. I hope my ramblings make sense to you.
Thank you for reading.