The last month has been probably the hardest I’ve had in a while. My anxiety has been through the roof. There’s a lot of family garbage(and hoooooooooo boy do I mean garbage) going on right now and it’s spilling over into my relationship in a way that I don’t have control. To give you the readers digest condensed version, we don’t have company over at the house…ever unless its a relative. The house is always a mess because my grandma and uncle don’t clean up after themselves so all the cleaning is left to my mom and I and its a lot. Aside from that, the house I live in is just a very toxic space in general so my boyfriend never comes over…ever. In the almost two years we’ve been dating he’s probably been in my house like five times and it’s starting to get…frustrating for him. Which I understand.
The holiday season in general is just…bad for me. The last two years we didn’t really do anything for Christmas because my uncle and my grandma weren’t speaking but now they are again so we’re all just supposed to play big happy family and pretend that we like each other again. It’s a lot…and it feels like everyone else is allowed to get upset or frustrated about it except for me. I tried to talk to my mom about it and she said I was looking for things to be upset about meanwhile five hours later she’s upset over the same…exact…thing.
So I guess I’ve been keeping a lot in lately because the urge to cut has been really really strong lately. Saturday I broke down and started scratching my arm. My boyfriend was with me which was almost worse because I never wanted him to see me like that but I guess it’s good that I wasn’t alone. That’s the closest I’ve been to a relapse in awhile and I guess I didn’t realize how badly I’ve been taking care of myself emotionally.
I really do want to enjoy the holidays but I’m quite literally scaring myself right now. I’m supposed to go see the new star wars movie on thursday and I can’t tell if I’m not excited because my anxiety is sucking the life out of me or because The Last Jedi was just that bad.
Anyway thanks for listening.