I don’t really know what to say other than I’m incredibly close to relapsing after more than 2 years.
Things just keep going downhill and I don’t know how much more I can handle, I feel more alone than ever if I’m honest.
Every second I’m awake, all I can think about is not wanting to be alive, or relapse. Both of those seem to be the only way I can find to stop the pain. I feel like I have no one. Every time I try to reach out, it feels like there is something physically stopping me, so I don’t have to be a burden on people. This is the first time in a long time I have felt this helpless and hopeless.
My workplace is becoming more toxic by the day, and I come out of my shifts feeling 10x worse than I would on a day I don’t work, which is saying something because I’m suicidal 99% of the day… This means I can’t pick up over time, so I’m watching my debt build and build… I’m looking for another job, but with the current climate, it’s near impossible…
The stress of that is causing some of the horrible after-effects of Covid even worse, making things super horrible.
I’m not taking Katie’s death well. Losing her was like losing a little sister. On top of that, things are getting worse with my family and my dad is making comments about suicide every time he and my mum or my sisters have arguments.
I just need this pain to stop. It won’t stop. I don’t know what to do.
I’m so close to relapsing. Right now it’s not a matter of ‘IF’ I relapse… It’s a matter of ‘WHEN’ I relapse.
Hello Kayla,
so far I did not have the chance to communicate with you - but from what I have read from you gives me the impression you are a wonderful person, who first thinks of others, then of yourself.
A relapse does not necessarily mean that you loose everything you have achived. Do not consider it as a relapse, but an obsticle on your way forward. I think you have achived alot, and it is ok to fall, while walking forward.
You are a valuble member of this community, and this community is giving - and receiving support. It is your right to reach out for others, and ask (even demand) support if you need it.
The work situation is not easy right now, and many people are under much stress. Sadly some people gain power by humilating others, which leads to a toxic workplace. Try to distance yourself from that, and consider it is just a way meantal weak persons gain strength by the wrong actions. It is nothing personal against you, it is the weakness of others. Those giving the toxic situation are those you should feel sorry for, because they aren’t able to handle things positivly. You are, and you are strong enought not to let them drain your power.
I sadly also know that family members threaten with suicide during arguments. This is emotional blackmailing, and you should make yourself aware of it. People who use this in arguments won’t consider suicide, they use it as an emotional weapon. Don’t let others threaten with that - especially after you have lost a close person recently.
It is ok to fall. I am sure there are many here (including me) who will catch you. It is no relapes, it is your mind taking a break from all you have to dealing with, and you don’t have to start from all over, but after you stood up again you can keep walking from the same point.
Stay strong - and allow yourself to be weak for a moment. It is a natural thing to happen.
Kayla,
You can do this! You have it in you to deal with this season of life without relapsing or causing harm to yourself. I know it’s hard right now. But keep pressing on. Keep reaching out. Keep posting and getting support here. We are all rooting for you! You are NOT alone! We are here for you.
Hi @Kayla - I am so sorry you are struggling so deeply. I am sorry that you feel like you have no one and are a burden. Please, please know you are not a burden here. Far from it of course. I myself have drawn strength and encouragement from your responses in the past. FWIW, I am rooting for you friend .
I didn’t know Katie, but I do know what it’s like to lose someone close to you in this manner. It hurts so deep. And I wish I had advice on how to lessen the blow to your heart.
Boy, do I know that feeling super well. I know that hearing what others say and hearing what’s in your mind are two totally different things when it comes to getting help. And people can tell you all day that you can talk to them. I want you to know, genuinely, that I am here to talk whenever you need to. Please just keep that in mind when you feel like you need that. It’s a beast, but you can overcome it.
I am cheering for you. I believe in you. And from the other responses, I can tell you have to be an amazing person. I know this is a dark time for you, but I believe you can make it. I know that relapse is scary, especially when it feels like it’s right on the horizon. But know that relapse does not define who you are, where you are in your journey, or what you’ve already accomplished. It just means it was a bump in the road. Try to fight as hard as you can and remember, we are here for you every step of the way.
<3 Tara
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