There’s so much brutal honesty here, and I appreciate your unfiltered post. Just as a heads up, I’m going to try to give you a solid response, but I have two twin one year olds climbing on me right now, so we’ll see how this goes. Worst case, you can always email me [email protected]
I mean first off dude, this sucks. It sucks to feel like your whole life you’ve been told you’re worthless, and you’re an inconvenience, best case you’re invisible, but pretty much your presence has been associated with burden and not only un-want but disgust…you feel worse than disregarded, you feel hated…and so you’ve learned to believe that’s what you’re worth, that’s what people think, that’s what people see when they see you, so that’s what you see when you look in the mirror, that’s the air you breathe, and you feel like you’re sucking perfectly good air / life out of people who are far more deserving / hopeful than you. Especially because you’ve been feeling this way for…what feels like forever, all you can remember, it feels like there’s no hope for you because the phrases like, “it gets better” have turned to be closer to bullshit than truth. And so you feel like you’re nothing, nothing will get better, and so there’s nothing in this life for you but pain now and a7ntj-u6 anticipating pain in the future (weird word is an addition by my son).
If I were in your spot, suicide would make total sense to me too. You’re not crazy, and you’re not stupid. But I’m also not in your spot, and I believe different things, and what’s interesting is that that’s actually core to what’s going on here.
The concept of “you’re loved and you matter” is actually not as much of a cliche as it might seem or feel…it’s the difference of belief. “I’m worthless and should die” is the current position that you take on the opposite end of “you’re loved and you matter”. Both are beliefs about your worth, and both are activated when you choose to believe them. Not that you’re actually worthless if you believe that, but you experience life as if you’re worthless because you believe that you are. In the same way, believing that you are loved and that you matter cultivates an experience in you that you are loved and you matter. The reason this is important is because what you’re experiencing, at its core, comes down to what do you believe about yourself. Not what do other people say – that is only information upon which you can make your decisions…but your decisions are chosen by you – you decide what to believe (I say this with a grain of salt because there’s definitely programming from youth, wounding, trauma, warfare, and tons of other influences at play, but the main point is that you are pliable…you have the option to change, to be renewed).
The reason all of this philosophy is important is because YOU ARE NOT OBJECTIVELY WORTHLESS…there’s not something especially fucked up about you. You’re just a totally normal dude. Seriously, I hate to break it to you but you’re not special – not special in that you’re not so special that you are so unlike everyone else and you’re so fucked up that you just deserve to die…that’s just not truth…THAT is just bullshit…you’re just like the rest of us – a human being, who’s experienced pain, who’s doing the best with what they’ve been given, who’s a work in process, and who’s worthy of life and love and acceptance. I’ve personally talked to over 10,000 people through my years at HeartSupport, and there’s not a single person I could single out to you and say, “Yeah this person just really deserved to fucking die.” Not a single one. You included. It’s just the lie that you are currently believing about your own worth that drives the logic of “I’m worthless therefore I deserve to die.” Change the belief, change the logic, change the outcome: “I’m worthy, therefore, I deserve to be loved and to live.”
Way easier said than done, but my point is really to try to prove that your issue isn’t that YOU are fucked up, but that you’ve been fed fucked up thoughts, and you’ve been led to believe that they’re true. Those THOUGHTS are the only fucked up thing about you. And they’re not even YOU!! This is great news. It’s hard to change permanent worthlessness, but you can change your thinking.
And honestly dude, it’s not an easy road. I’m in counseling right now trying to change my own thinking. I have this fucked up way of thinking that the only way I can be loved is if I am the best at something – if I’m so good at whatever it is that I’m doing that no one ever could criticize me or judge me. I’m so afraid of messing up because I believe that my worth is in my work, and when I get to that anxious place, I medicate with porn, and it spirals me into a low and dark place. Often times I too can feel hopeless and like I’ll never get better so what’s the point? But when I remember the problem isn’t that there’s something especially fucked up about me but that it’s retraining the way I think, I get hopeful and return to the things that I can change: reaching out to friends when I can’t see my way out of the situation, investing in teaching myself the truth, and learning from people (recovery groups, counseling, mentors, and healthy friends) who can help me level up my thinking. It comes at a cost, but it always yields greater returns than the initial investment.
You can change the path you are on. You have the ability to make a difference. And you don’t have to do it alone. I know you can feel like a number or an inconsequential, replaceable human being in a place like this where there’s lots of people asking for help at the same time, but it’s just not true, dude. You are welcome here. Your worth isn’t determined by the volume of replies or who chooses to reply or who doesn’t…This is just a tool that you can use to not be alone, to get other perspectives, to receive encouragement, and to stay motivated to continue on your path to healing. And along the way, you’ll find others who want the same things and see you, and if you choose to invest in them, you’ll find lifelong friendships like many people here have found. But you gotta keep showing up even when it feels like you’re shouting into a void. Sometimes that’s part of the process, but persevering is the cost to receive the healing and connection and growth that you can have…and that you deserve.
I believe in you dude. You and I at are core are almost the exact same. We are both human. And though we have unique expressions that define me and you, there are more commonalities than differences, and from that I know this: you are closer to life than you think, and you are more deserving of it than you could ever know. You are not in this alone, and you are not the lies you’ve believed. You are seen, and you are heard, and you are precious in his sight, and whatever you’ve been thinking about yourself just isn’t right. Take a new path, and I know you’ll find that these words are true. Test them and you’ll see the fruit. It’ll taste much better than what you’ve thus produced. You’re loved, and you matter, and you can puke at those words, but it doesn’t change the truth. The only thing that will change is your relationship with those words when one day you find them to be trustworthy and true. Come with me on this path. It’s lighter and easier than you’d imagine and far more rewarding than you could ever dream. You’ve taken the first step…just keep walking!