i wish that people understood how bad i am feeling. i Hate hearing people saying :“it going to get better”; “you are strong”. no i am not, i know myself, i can’t do it anymore. i keep faking my happiness which make people think im fine when im actually trying to take my own life. its been 3 months and 3 weeks since my last suicide attempt.it keeps getting worse. people give up on me when they see that i cant be perfect. im fighting with my brain since i was 11, when i was diagnosed with epilepsy, then at 12 with depression and PTSD. it is going to be over soon. all the pain im feeling will be transfered to someone else because i cant hold it any longer.
Sarah here. I can’t imagine what you are going through, but I do know that suicide is not the answer. You deserve so much more than the pain you are experiencing and I believe you should stick around to see what that looks like.
Everything has its own season and often times, it is from our struggles that we learn life’s greatest weapons. I know it is not the most fun way to learn, but I do believe that it makes us stronger. Please know that we are here for you and we want the best for you.
I know that most of my response is stuff you have heard before, but it is the truth. I thought I knew myself too when I was at my lowest, but it turns out, I didn’t. I didn’t know that there was hope. I didn’t know that people cared about me. But when I stuck around, I got to see those things happen. I met people that cared about me. I found hope. Please stay. Keep looking for hope
Share your feelings, that your pain may be recognized. Why are you faking happiness, when you are sad? Smiling out of politeness or courtesy is one thing, but faking happiness can make you feel worse.
“People give up on me when they see that I can’t be perfect.”
Are those who are giving up on you perfect? Do they expect you to be perfect, or is it that they don’t know how to keep you from hurting yourself?
I don’t know exactly what you mean by “fighting with” your brain, but if it has to do with unwelcome thoughts and feelings, one thing you can count on, is that the harder you fight them, the harder they fight back.
There absolutely is another way to handle negative thought patterns, that cause pain, anxiety, and depression to increase. However, to learn those coping strategies is best accomplished through therapy or counseling. If you are faking happiness, you could be placing that option out of reach.
That you are here suggests to me that at some level, you are hoping for a reaction from someone that indicates a willingness to care about you. There are people here who are willing to care about you.
Some will tell you how glad they are that you are here, reaching out, and they will tell you that they admire your courage. I fully agree with them. Yet my style of caring is through sharing thoughts and information, presented in a way that might get your attention, and encourage you to consider the possibility that there is still something to be hoped for.
Please stay in touch, and let us know how you’re doing.