One more step

I can’t even have a mental breakdown. I have to keep going one more fucking step. Always have to go one more step. Can’t not go one more step without being worse than you are. Taking one more step is nesarey so doing it is not something to be proud of. Can’t be proud of something that you have to do. My parents say if always take one more step when you look back you’ll be amazed but you never get to look back. It’s always one more step. One more thing never stoping. Never ending. There is always another obstacle in the way. Another path to take. You don’t get a break. Not even when you are litieaty breaking down you have to take one more step. Not allowed to break. Not allowed to stop. Always have to take one more step because if you don’t you are a failure. Because if you don’t you are worthless. Because if you don’t you can’t be loved. You always have to take that next step even when you are falling apart at the seams. I’m having a breakdown and was forced to go to school. Like there was nothing wrong. Like I was perfectly fine. They blame it on the meds. They blamed it on me. Stop taking one that I was meant to stop taking. They blame it on me. They don’t blame any of the never ending fighting. They don’t blame it on me just not getting better for so long that I have given up. They don’t see that I have littearly made note upon notes of how I feel. They don’t see any of that. Just the one more step I need to take. I’m skipping the first two periods today because I have to allow myself something but then I am diving straight back into the fucking nonsense that is the one more step I always have to take. It doesn’t end. I’m sorry that I’m here again. I’m sorry. I should just be able to do this by myself. I should be able to do this all by myself.


Don’t apologize ever for reaching out. Sorry your going through this, it sounds like a really stressful time. Its sounds to me like you need a little break, but you are not failure that’s for sure. I read in a book a little passage : That there are days where we are doing the best we can and that’s okay. And there are days where we are not doing the best we can, and that’s okay too. On a day when you don’t feel right, not taking a step is alright as long as you don’t take a step backward and undo all the good things you are, all the progress you have made mentally. The people who love you won’t lose that love because you were not perfect today. You don’t become worthless because you failed that ONE exam. I had to repeat that to myself a lot… and sometimes I still do it unconsciously, I’ll admit. But at the end of the day, it wont make you less. And you know what it’s totally okay to get sick of that shit of being always on top of your game. No one is, no matter how well they hide it. And its even MORE okay to let it out and ask for support.
Take care!


From: twixremix (Discord)

hi again paladin! I’m really glad to hear from you again even though life isn’t smooth still. it’s just good to know you can still be found on your path, regardless of how hard it is for you to take the next step forward. and I’ve been there, my friend, I know how incredibly hard it is for us to keep moving forward when the world just wants to keep us down… it’s a heavy feeling. but if it helps, I want you to know that I’m walking this difficult path alongside you and hoping you’re able to communicate the breaks you need to those around you. life is HARD and it’s never an expectation that you have to keep up a steady pace in order for others to think you’re okay. you need to live in a pace that makes you actually okay. perseverance is never easy but it’s those we share our paths with and the self-care and self-love we show ourselves that makes it a little less hard. i want to end off this reply by reminding you that you are not a failure for doing what you need to do to care for yourself. you’re fighting hard, you’re fighting bravely, and you’re taking punches that should have never been aimed at you. but you’re doing it, and i am so proud of you. sending you all of my love and calming wishes as you adjust your steps to be at a pace that works for you. i’ll be right beside you, cheering you on and helping you walk forward. love, twix


From: Micro (Discord)

Dearest Paladin. It is so hard when life feels like a constant battle. How many times I’ve been there myself… feeling like climbing at a mountain that seems endless, where both the beginning of my journey and its future were too out of reach. Feeling stuck in this middle of nowhere, this position that forces us to be in constant movement, not even able to catch our breath… it’s such a hard place to be. Damn, you just want a freaking break. You want to be able to sit down, to breathe, to rest. You want to finally live this life you want, and not having to lead a constant fight for something that others seem to acquire without any effort. It feels unfair, like a brutal and constant slap on the face that keeps telling you to move on, again and again. My friend, you are allowed to be tired. You are allowed to be fed up with this constant fight. You are allowed to be upset and to feel defeated. These times when you feel like you have to keep moving but your mind is resisting, are part of healing. They are messy, draining and upsetting moments, but they are not going to make you stuck for the rest of your life. These tough times, these difficult steps to take, couldn’t exist without the steps you’ve already taken. I’m proud of you for this. I’m proud of you for your perseverance. Through this healing journey though, you will learn, at your own pace and with the right support, that the process is as much important as the direction you’re aiming for. You are currently growing, learning, healing, even when you feel stuck. You will learn to realize that life isn’t happening only tomorrow, once the fight will be won, but it also happens here and now, while you are pushing through. You’re building resilience, strength, empathy, vulnerability. All these qualities that will keep pushing you forward. You’re doing the hard work. And I promise you’ll be okay. <3


@Verona2900 Thanks and I know it doesn’t make any sense but I feel like I have to apologize for getting help even if it’s for something as simple as directions. I definitely need a break but can’t get one because I always have to be getting to that next step. I can’t not take a step because if I don’t do anything I’ve failed. It’s not just one exam it’s four class that I’m failing. I don’t know how I’m not failing more. I was actively failing myself on purpose because I didn’t and don’t deserve to succeed.

@twixremix Hi and thank you for your kind words and it’s hard essipaly when I don’t love or care about my self. I really don’t care about myself I’ve even try to fail myself. I’m not in a good mindset at all. I don’t know how to love myself. I hate myself.

@Micro It really is a never ending battle. I can never get a break. Every time I finally have sometime to myself it’s instally taken away by my family asking me to do what they want. The few times that I say no to do what they want they get mad at me and it just makes everything worse.

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I understand, friend. May I ask what are the things they ask you do to, precisely? Just to get a bit of context. <3 Like if you have recent exampes of these.

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Like yesterday I had been working the entire day on school work and then I got ten minutes to myself and I start texting with friends and then my day knocked on my door and time to come out and socialize with the family and when I told him I was with friends he said to bad. Then there is the never ending chores. It’s never ending because it’s times just right when you finish one there now another one and they act like I have so much energy so to put all I have in just finishing that and by the time I’m done and have time to myself I have to do school work or it’s time for bed so I stay up till 3am just to get some time to myself which juts makes things worse and it’s kinda of cycle and I can’t say word to them because they don’t get will think I’m just complaining about doing work.

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The team I’m currently on has been an eye opening experience… Prototype machines…

stuff will either work, not work or not work the way it was intended… its been a challenge and had to learn that try, try, then try again is not always a bad thing… and reminded me of a quote I hadn’t thought about for a long time…

 "I haven't failed -- I've just found 10,000 that won't work."
  • Thomas Edison

thanks for the inspiration you personally have given me this past week…
in the words of Trevor Noah given as a talk at the company I work for and asked whats the best advice in these times…
“allow yourself to say that this sucks… be in that moment… dont stay in it, its okay to have those moments”

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