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One year later after my divorce


#1

Hello everyone -

I apologize for the length here, but wanted to share what’s been on my mind.

The one year anniversary of my divorce is coming up here this week, and it has really been weighing on me this past year (more so recently). I was married for just a few years, and the majority of that time was amazing. We were planning a life and family together. Things abruptly came to an end when she asked for a divorce out of the blue. She had been partying multiple days out of the week with her military co-workers, and also driving while intoxicated. I tried to get us into consulting, but she just refused and ultimately moved out soon after. I know there was most likely another person in the picture, but it was never confirmed (the one and only time I asked she has said no). She quickly moved out and we separated, she deleted myself, family, and friends from all social media. When we were separated for about 8 months, we didn’t talk. One time she randomly called me up in the middle of the night crying because a guy that was a “friend” had thrown her on the ground and she managed to get away and lock herself in her apartment. I picked her up that night to give her a safe place to stay, but the next morning again she quickly left with no word from here for months. Events like this happened a few times over the 8 months we were separated. Eventually I decided the best thing to do was to try and move on with my life, and I ultimately filed for divorce. There is a lot more pain to this story that ultimately related to nights where I didn’t know where she was - just knew she was drinking heavily with friends and she would stumble in at 2am pretending like everything was OK.

I know her heart was broken by seeing how her actions were affecting me, but I believe that was her way of dealing with the issues she faced in life. I am not the greatest at communicating and I shut down when I am angry or sad.

I have accepted my faults in our relationship, but I still feel great sadness a year later. I think about her everyday, mostly because I believe I never got the full truth about what happened.

Two weeks ago, I decided to reach out and talk to a councilor.

I’ve put myself out there here this year and have gone on a few dates. I’m finding it hard to talk about my feelings and I’m scared that I won’t be able to make a connection with someone like I did with my ex wife. I have some other self confidence issues I am trying to work through as well

If you’ve read this far, I am extremely greatful. I am just not sure how to do what I need to do to move on with my life and more importantly be happy again.

P.S. I went on a date Saturday and it went well!


#2

In my opinion the problem is you feel there is no closure and I feel there might never be. It also sounds like you were more invested in your relationship than she was. So most likely you’ll never find closure because the problem is with her. Not with you.

You need to Accept this and move on. I think she did this on purpose knowing how it would affect you. I suggest you avoid all contact with this ex lover or at least the next time she calls you to be her knight in shining armor that you only play her hero if she’s honest with you about your relationship that way you can find closure. If she isn’t willing then tell her “no” and avoid her like she has black plague.

It is a good thing you both have fear and are dating. Continue to date and hopefully you can find closure from your relationship with the ex by moving on and finding someone that may be just as invested in the relationship as you would be. Good luck and best wishes.


#3

I know it sounds mean but you can’t rescue her anymore. She will just use you. Girls like her are only using you to get what they want and then throw you away as soon as the moment passes. Don’t fall victim to her manipulative behavior.

They say that it takes half the length of the relationship after a hard breakup for you to really be able to emotionally handle relationships again. Put yourself out there to be comfortable in yourself but don’t force yourself into something you are not ready for.

Everything will be fine


#4

Jon-

I recently experienced the anniversary of my divorce as well. I was reflecting today, in fact, on how incredible it is that one person could alter the way I view my experiences and other people around me so entirely for the rest of my life. But then I realized that is the point-- I would not be where I am now, with the knowledge and experiences I have now, without his major part in my life. I also have moments where I wonder “what if,” and become incredibly sad. However, I have to remind myself to see things through a realistic lens rather than a romanticized. I know that I never stood in your shoes, but it breaks my heart to hear the way that she used your loved and emotions to get what she needed without considering how she hurt you-- and that does not sound like a loving, healthy relationship. As happy as people can make us, happiness does not always equate to health. For me, I found that often (not always, but often) the joy I felt was not from him, but from the adventure we were having together. You deserve someone that makes you happy whether you are on an adventure, or just living your daily life. You deserve someone that brings happiness and adventure INTO your daily life. Other peoples’ motives are complicated, but you can understand your own, and to me, your motives seem to be that you were making a brave, healthy decision for your future. I have faith that with time, your life will be evidence that there was great happiness out there waiting for you, and you just had to take that scary, even painful, leap to find it.


#5

Thank you so much :heart: