One year left

I don’t know where to really turn lately I lost my sister figure to cancer in January and didn’t go to her funeral and feel horrible for it but part of me tries not to care. My family kept me in isolation until my mom left my stepdad when I was 16 almost 17 those 17 years were full of me being forced to be quiet and stand out and beg for money with my dad on the streets moving was constant and if I didn’t say the right thing I would get yelled at for it. My step tried to drown me on several occasions but played it off as he was joking. All and all my first suicide attempt was at 10 running right out Infront of traffic my dad didn’t figure out it was on purpose throughout that so much happened it would just be to much to say. My mom was extreme religious making anything I do evil and bad. Since then I’m stuck around my mom still she is extremely dependent on me I’m 21 working two jobs while she doesn’t work she says she has depression and that I wouldn’t understand. She has been admitted twice since I was 16 she gets extremely violent when I say no to her or don’t want to do what she wants I’m not allowed to leave the house without her questioning me except for work giving me no time or space. I planning to go to college but really wanna be a musician. Deep down I think this might be my last year on this earth I just can’t with anything anymore everything is lost my past is always knocking on the last someone said I have cptsd symptoms and should go to a counselor but my first counselor just said all kids have problems with there parents. Therapy just hasn’t worked. I’m pushing everyone away I don’t want my only true friend to cry when I die he deserves so much better than me. Sorry for the lengthy paragraph I just don’t know where to go anymore.

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Your heart must be so heavy with all this burden that’s been placed on you.

Someone who is considered like a sister to you wouldn’t want you to place such heavy blame on yourself. You can only deal with things the best you can and it sounds like you’ve had more than your fair share of things to have to deal with. It’s totally understandable if that grief was too hard for you to be there, it doesn’t mean you can’t share your own way of remembering her and saying your own goodbye. Sometimes that’s what we need. The space to mentally prepare to make that step. And that’s okay. Be kind to yourself and let yourself process however you need to. If you want to talk about her and remember her, we will listen. If you’re not ready to think about that yet, we are here to support you the best we can. There’s no linear timeline for people to grieve.

I’m so sorry your family pushed you into submission and kept your voice from you. That’s not okay and you did and don’t deserve those things. Is your step dad still in the picture?
I’m also sorry your mother told you that you wouldn’t understand. I know depression can be such a difficult burden and it can feel like no one can understand how you’re feeling, but as a parent she shouldn’t push that on you. It can’t be easy to see someone who’s meant to protect you and take care of you do the opposite of that. Are you wanting to keep a relationship with her?
You deserve the space to be able to go to college and get into music. You deserve to be allowed to live a life apart from what your family has been shutting you into.

That therapist doesn’t sound like they were taking what you said seriously and giving you space to talk about all this. Maybe all kids might have problems with their parents, but they still deserve to be heard and deserve help to resolve those problems. But yours isn’t just problems that most other kids face. You did nothing to deserve that, I hope you know that.
Your friend does deserve you and you deserve them. You are worth every bit of love that they and we can share with you. I know it’s hard to reconcile that when the people who are meant to love you the most don’t display that, but what love they stole from your life, I hope your friend and this community can give back to you.

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this has to be one of the worst counselors on the planet. Get yourself a new therapist, they will certainly be better than that first one. Your feelings are valid and it sounds like you went through a really long period of pain and suffering. I’m truly glad that you’re here with us friend! i hope that by posting here, as often as you need, that we can help you as you work through life.

Would you be interested in doing something to celebrate your sister figure? I always say that planting a tree or some flowering bush as a memorial is a nice thing to do, to establish life in their honour, and to see it grow and blossom. Or holding your own little memorial and lighting some tealights or fairy lights and candles.

It sounds like home life is still a challenge as well. It sounds like your mother has her own challenges and issues too. Her views about you do not sound true at all - you are not evil and bad, and that sounds like something a parent with very little emotional depth or parenting skills will say, and I’m truly sorry that you are still exposed to that mentality.

You are loved and you have value. You matter and you have unique skills and ideas to share with the world. Stay with us, and let us get to know you better, I personally look forward to getting to know you better.

What kind of music are you into? What instruments do you play?

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From: ᏒᎧᏕᎥᏋ

Hi Friend, I would certainly find a new therapist if you’re still see this one. Not all children have problems with their parents. My son is almost 31 and he’s never had any mental issues and we have a very good relationship. I’m sorry that you have so much trouble with your mother, she must have some real heavy issues that she needs help with. I hope that you can find a new therapist who is a better fit for you, because you sound like a very strong person who just wants a better life. You are worthy and valuable! ~Mystrose

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My step dad is no longer here since 2017 the last time I seen him he tried to push my mom into traffic. I’m an idiot because I still search to make sure he’s living he’s in jail for theft which isn’t to surprising. Honestly I don’t want to be near my mom anymore she changes for a bit but goes back to her ways when something goes wrong. I know she has depression but sometimes it’s just impossible she’ll always go to your fine you don’t know the struggle which can be a bit much. College is my way out from underneath her she won’t let me breath also my style is pre metal and she makes fun of my style when I piss her off but copies me when I do what she says she. I went to a concert to have a reunion with my friend then later she judged me for spending my money on concert tickets. I bought hers and her merch also the gas to get down there . This happens so much around her I paid her phone off just for her to get another expensive phone right after. It’s tiresome being around her not to mention our beliefs are different everyone has there differences but just because I don’t agree with you doesn’t mean your wrong that’s her logic that I’m against her sometimes. If I don’t eat when she does she gets mad. There’s no freedom with he and it sucks she’s capable of being a good person but it never sticks. She barely hugged me as a child or said I love you so it makes it tougher now sometimes I question do I even love her ? Its awful to question that but she’s never their for me.

My sister figure helped me through some hard times since I was 16 and stayed right there for me even when I was incapable of helping her she was so sweet and never judged me for being me and now I can never return the favor to her :sob:

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From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hi Friend, Welcome to Heartsupport, I am so very glad you found us and thank you so much for sharing some of your story with us. I am so very sorry that you have had to live with this for so long. The first thing I would like to let you know is that you are not alone my friend, you are not alone, you do not and have not done anything to deserve the way you have been treated. You are a beautiful person who has been treated in an ugly way and the fault lies with the people that have done that to you and I will apologise on their behalf. Here we treat people with love and respect no matter what and you can post as much or as little as you like. I am sorry for the loss of your “sister figure” in January, that must have been very hard indeed, I can understand why you try not to care as it’s a good way to try to protect yourself but it obviously does bother you. I personally think its not absolutely necessary to be at a funeral, I like to think our loved ones are still keeping a check on us now and then so it would be just as nice to now even light a candle and say a few words or put a flower next to a picture of her, The most important thing is memories, hold them close to your heart. I cannot imagine what your childhood felt like friend, I am so sorry that you were kept in isolation and that you had to beg for money. You should have been protected from all of that by the very people that continued to damage you. Its seems both of your parents had issues that they too had not dealt with and that got taken out on you which is why I was glad you went to therapy, Im so shocked that the therapist just told you that, yes of course everyone carries something from their childhood but not every child carries trauma and the ones that do, need help with that. I don’t know exactly what else you have done in the way of therapy but it might be that you need something more specific for your needs, it would be worth having an evaluation done by maybe a psychiatrist, I don’t know exactly how it works where you are? I would probably myself go to my doctor, start there and see what they suggest, mention that you have been told you could have cptsd and you would like help and see what they can offer you. You have been through so much friend, this forum is open to you at anytime, please use it if you need it, you have friends here now. We will support you all we can. Much Love Lisa xx

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From: lovecraft-pilled

It’s important to understand that you have been gaslit into believing things that are not your fault. You have done nothing wrong and no one has the right to convince you otherwise. You are incredibly brave and strong and it’s important to give yourself credit each and every day. It might be a good idea to focus on college or becoming a musician, or both. You can study music at certain colleges if that tickles your fancy. I think it would be good for your mental health to go to college and/or study music. If music is your passion, you should pursue it. Do anything that makes you happy. You have lived for others but you deserve to live for you. And remember sometimes you have to take it 1 day at a time. Sometimes 1 hour at a time. Sometimes 1 minute at a time. You have endured a lot. You can walk out into the light and overcome the darkness of your past. That doesn’t have to define you. You control your destiny.

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From: mictek

It’s such a blessing to still have you here after all that you have been through. You matter so much to this world! I truly hope you can know that deep down in your heart of hearts friend. I’m so proud of you for staying strong! I’m so proud of you for having passions and goals to strive to. I belive you WILL succeed and go so much further than you could imagine. I know it seems impossible at times, but the fact that you are here, now, seeking for help shows how powerful you really are! We are put on this earth to help each other! Stay strong and look towards the finish line and I know you will succeed! No matter what is going on around you! Focus on healing yourself and making yourself happy from within. Then share that feeling with everyone around you! Much love and light to you !!

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I bought a memorial tree for her and a specialized note but she deserves more than a tree I’m thinking about getting her death date tattoo on me so I never forget her. That’s actually a great idea to hold my own memorial for her thanks.

My music is mostly metal core/rock/ classic Im learning the guitar and play the violin sometimes and the guitar and violin is something I’m trying to put together musicall.

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From: Dr Hogarth

Hi Undeadreality,

Firstly, please don’t apologise for writing this here. Fitting so much pain and tragedy into this paragraph must not have been easy for you. I am finding reading what you have written difficult to process, so I can only imagine how difficult actually experiencing it must have been for you. Frankly, I think you are incredibly strong and determined to have gone through this. I hope that you are able to take some pride in your strength and ability to carry on in the most difficult of circumstances. I’m blown away by you.

Although the title of your post suggests you feel you have little to live for, it gives me hope that you mentioned your ambition to be a musician. To have that ambition must mean you see a possible future beyond this year; one where you do find a way to survive. I’d love to know more about what kind of music you make or perform. Sometimes, it just takes that one bit of passion in the corner of our lives to keep us moving, so hold on to that my friend.

Your first session with a therapist sounded awful, and I’ve had some sessions like that too tbh. It can take a bit of time to find the right fit when finding a therapist. I do think talking about all this pain is worth pursuing for you, and there are many therapists out there who can support you. Please don’t let your bad experience put you off completely.

Keep us updated my friend. You matter and we notice you x

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Thank you so much for reaching out, @Undeadreality. My heart goes out to you, so much. I struggle with Complex PTSD as well in my daily life. It’s absolutely not surprising to hear that someone mentioned this to you and because of your experience. Repeated abuse and adversity experienced while growing often leads to this diagnosis, could it be official or not. You have faced incredibly violent, unhealthy and disheartening experiences at a time when you needed to feel safe, loved and nurtured. Sometimes, “parents” failed at doing their job properly, more often than not because of their own story and traumas. That doesn’t excuse their behavior nor erase their responsibility.

I too had a mom who was prone to violence, uncontrollable emotions and manipulation. I’ve given a lot of myself to her, but she never tried to change. Accepting this as a reality was probably one of the most painful yet freeing things I’ve ever been through, because it has allowed me to start living for myself, to learn to put myself first, and finally start to get the help I needed. I have felt and feel bad at times for not knowing if I do love her as well or if I always tried to love her because I needed her. Our first reaction when we dive into those questions is to feel guilty because we have been told to belittle ourselves so many times, to feel like constantly like walking on eggshells, to expect the worst reactions from others. We have internalized that we are too much and not enough at the same time. That’s something no one should ever be subjected to.

There is so much of my own heart in what you have shared. I wish I could give you a giant hug right now - if you would accept it. I’m just a stranger to you, but please know that you are not alone in this fight, and you are certainly not lost or doomed to disappear because of the pain that your mom inflicted on you. You are so much more. You have been so resilient and strong for so long. It’s time to try to get help again, with a therapist (if possible a trauma-informed one), even if the experience you’ve mentioned sounds so awful and dismissive. This therapist was stupid and ignorant, I don’t have any other word. We are not talking about “problems with parents”. We are talking about abuse and trauma. I’m so sorry that this “professional” told you this. It must have been hard already to make the decision of getting an appointment and sharing your struggles. Your voice should have been received as it deserves: with understanding, respect and care.

At Heartsupport, we have a partnership with Betterhelp, which is an online counseling service. It gives a 7-days free trial (you need to enter a credit card for that time but can remove it then so you won’t be charged once the trial is done). Maybe that could be of interest to you?

Losing my big brother to a rare disease was also a shock that has given me a reality check: I needed to create distance with my mother. There are brutal changes that make us realize how much some things can be dysfunctional in our life. It’s scary. It hurts. I imagine how this must be the case for you, and the love you have for your sister figure is so very felt through your words. I’m so sorry for your loss. Know that she will keep living through you and she is certainly very proud of the step you’ve been taking today by reaching out.

Your post and vulnerability hold the potential for real change to happen, and for you to initiate new steps towards healing. Rest assured that this community right here will be by your side through it all. You are not alone.

My friend, I want to tell you that there is hope despite all of this. Complex PTSD is an awful thing to live with, but it is possible to learn to heal, to find real value in yourself, to set boundaries with what you don’t want in your life anymore, to learn to let the past where it is without being constantly pulled back, to learn to trust others again and regain a feeling of safety that you’ve always needed, and deserve now more than ever.

Will end up this long post (sorry for the length) sharing three resources that have been helping me a lot personally. Hope this can give you comfort as well that there is hope, there are people who see you and understand your pain. If you have a look at it, take your time and don’t try to digest too much. Do it bits by bits, at your own pace. There are topics that can be very painful to address - learning to listen to yourself and your limits is fundamental. :hrtlegolove:

https://www.instagram.com/breakingdowncptsd/ - A real gem and quality content.
https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/ - A very supportive community.
https://www.youtube.com/c/TherapyinaNutshell - Educative for the most part.

You are loved. We are all proud of you for reaching out. :hrtlegolove:

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