I know this will end up being super long, so I appreciate anyone who actually reads all this! It’s funny because I know this friend hasn’t treated me well, yet… I still miss them, I want to reach out and make amends, but I feel like that’s just inappropriate and doing myself a disservice to be the one to take the initiative and be the one to reach out after a couple attempts to talk about things confusing and hurting me. I really believe fixing things, making amends should be on them, they should take the effort at this point after dismissing me multiple times. Do they even realize this, or how they’ve treated me? Maybe they’re embarrassed and feel some semblance of shame preventing them from reaching out? Maybe they need time to realize these things? Will we even be friends if too much time passes? I’m still asking myself these kinds of questions, and while some days it’s easy, I get by just fine, some days hit me a little more than others, and I just don’t understand it.
I’ve come to see and believe that any issues I’m having with someone I need to bring up and attempt some kind of communication over. I’ve always pushed things aside in favor of not causing waves or hurting feelings, but my feelings matter too, and I’d rather not let things fester and build resentment, it feels childish to avoid things for so long.
So for some back story, back in Sept, this friend of mine became super distant, wouldn’t talk to me much, was very brief, stopped initiating conversation, stopped inviting me to things in the game we played together. She streamed, I was(well, still am) a mod. I didn’t know what was happening, if I did something wrong, I didn’t understand. I tried asking, talking about it, what happened or went wrong, something felt off. At this time, a friend of hers she had known much longer than I returned to the game. So it made sense that she was more excited to be playing with them again, but I don’t think that’s any reason really to just… make me feel ditched and kicked to the curb.
I was met with lots of resistance, invalidation and dismissal when I tried bringing that up. Ultimately she told me it was a me thing, and that she’d like to part ways. That felt bad, just so quick to jump ship on a friendship because I was expressing how she was making me feel… Didn’t talk for a couple weeks, didn’t go into her stream. Eventually I reached out, we started talking again slowly, we talked about things, both apologized, she admitted she realized she was in-fact treating me the way I was expressing. Felt like our friendship was somewhat back, there was still some hesitancy I guess, it wasn’t as it was before, but it was nice to hear her taking accountability for how she was treating me.
Anyways, fast forward to around January, our friendship was okay, still not how it was before, not talking as much but things were okay. I had known at this point, or noticed really weird things from her friend that came back to the game. He seemed very controlling, constantly in her face, just… always there. She starts venting to me about him, showing and telling me things about him, and my suspicions were right, he was very controlling, harassed her, stalked her, was very manipulative, and just overall overwhelmed her ever since he came back to the game 4-5 months ago. But in this time of venting to me, she would actually talk to me, reach out, invite me to game, it felt like good ol times again, it felt good!
None of this really surprised me about him, but every-time her and I would hang out, he would insert himself in some way into her day, bugging her, trying to talk, fix things, figure out what she was doing, make things up to her, etc. He would gift her hundreds of subs as an apology, and expect it to fix how he was treating her. It bummed me out because while I just wanted to hang with my friend and chill, it always turned into being about him, venting about him, her hopping off the game and our call because he was overwhelming her. After a week of this, I guess they talked/resolved things? But it was after this it felt like another September was happening. Stopped talking to me much, stopped inviting me to things, included him into everything again. I was pretty disappointed in this, someone like him isn’t going to change overnight, yet here I am being ditched again for it. I felt used as an ear and emotional support buddy, which… I don’t mind being there for my friends, but it’s not all I want to be for someone. I also want to hang out, chill, game, watch stuff, friend things!
A few weeks of this passed, I felt uncomfortable reaching out to her because there was always an excuse not to do something, or he had to be involved. I was also in my head of, ‘would she even say hi or initiate a convo with me if I don’t?’ and sure enough, she didn’t. Again, it was September all over again. Why is my friend just ditching me like this? I realize I’m just a back-up/convenient friend in her eyes and we just love-bombed each-other for a few months when we first started playing together a lot. I ask myself, why is this happening again? I feel I learned a bit about how to approach her with issues, I tried my best to approach things gently, just saying like, ‘hey, I’m a bit confused and hurt by some things, can we talk about em?’ and I was met with dismissal again…
I gave her some space, I let her be the one to reach out to me. A few days later she did, and she let me know she was ready to talk. The day we were going to talk, I let her know I had plans that day, so maybe the next day, she agreed, but asked me what it was about. It was a mistake, but I told her broadly it was about feeling invisible, ditched, kicked to the curb etc. This was dumb because it gave her something to work with and overthink and try to formulate some sort of defense before I even actually expressed anything.
The day comes we are to talk, I message her asking when a good time is. Suddenly she’s not ready to talk, but then hits me with a few paragraphs explaining what she thinks is bothering me, and having walls and defenses set up for those things. We went back and forth briefly, she hits me with the “again, I think this is a you thing I can’t help with” which, kind of threw me off since… this is obviously a reference to Sept when she told me this, where she later told me she realized she was treating me that way, and apologized for it, so why is she hitting me with the “again”, and with the same dismissal/invalidation? Why is this happening again? I told her I disagree, and told her she said the same thing in Sept, yet she apologized later for it, soooo?
After that I pointed out that she’s trying to predict what the problem is and formulating defenses for those things before and without even hearing me out. I kept saying that talking is okay, I don’t think she’s a bad person, talking isn’t a bad thing etc. I was never even given an opportunity to express anything about how I was feeling in the first place. It just overall felt pretty bad.
A month passed, I message her again about talking, and again I was met with dismissal and just, hostility. I was finally told, or it was hinted at to me that she was in the middle of potentially getting a divorce, her other friend from before is still harassing and overwhelming her, and both him and I aren’t making things any easier on her. While I can empathize with her marital problems, these aren’t things I was made aware of at all. How am I to blame for trying to talk for a couple hours about something hurting me when I had no clue anything was going on on her end other than avoidance?
And being compared to her other friend was kind of a blow… I know for certain I am nothing like him. In the span of a month I sent her 4 messages, all of which were 1-2 paragraphs in length… really not much at all. Yet, I’m compared to someone who sent her a 3 page google doc apology at one point, constantly tries guilt tripping her, and her saying I’m sending “constant essays”, and just more defense in herself and her assumptions of what my problem was. Maybe my mistake was not just telling her the problems out right, but I did not want to be screenshotted and sent around to friends for gossip because I think that’s lame and I know she does that, I was adamant about just hopping in a call together and talking things through like adults.
I know I wasn’t the best in my responses either, I got upset, basically said like… wow I thought I was a better friend to you than to be treated like this, that avoiding me for months is preferred over having a brief conversation and fixing things. I didn’t respond to her last message, she hit me with the “this is my last message, for now” nor did I feel any reason to keep responding, I was obviously going to continue to be met with hostility and misunderstanding and dismissal.
This was over a month ago now. We still raid together once a week in the game we play, it feels stupid to pretend like each other don’t exist, like we aren’t friends or anything. I didn’t like being in discords or friends with her still on things, seeing her on, having fun with others still, on discords talking as if nothing was wrong, yet we still couldn’t spend 2 hours one day to make amends. I unfriended her and left her stream discord a few weeks ago just to get it out of sight. No idea if she has noticed and/or if it affects any chance at her actually taking accountability and being the one to reach out in the assumption that I’m done and over with our friendship.
I guess, if anyone is even still reading this monstrosity of a post, I don’t know how affected someone might be from a divorce. As someone who’s never been in that position I might have the wrong opinion, but I feel like… if someone matters to you, regardless of what’s happening, you can afford an hour or two to talk and clear things up at some point in a month or two. Especially if you’ve still got the capacity to play this game all the time, socialize on discord, stream, etc. Had any of this been made aware to me earlier on, I think I would have been more empathetic and readily able to give some space and time or whatever, but I wasn’t.
And because of all this, I don’t know if she’ll even reach out. Maybe she wants to but thinks I’m over it. Maybe I need to realize this person isn’t the friend for me anymore. Or the friend I thought they were. But I just don’t know. And I don’t know if I try communicating again. I don’t know how. I don’t think I should brush aside feeling ditched and someone dismissing that and telling me it’s a me problem, twice now. I don’t think I should be the one to reach out when they’re the ones being like this and treating me this way. Do I just give them more time and hope they’ll realize it later? What if I’m just over it by then?
I just dunno what to do. Still okay with raiding alongside eachother, still a mod in her stream despite not watching any of her streams lately and leaving her stream disc/unfriending her on things. I don’t know what she wants or expects. And I’m the kind of person that does not do well just brushing things aside and forgetting about them. I get really emotionally attached and need some kind of conclusion, whether that means it’s clear and certain we’re no longer friends, or that we want to remain friends, let’s just talk! I just hate this avoidance, it doesn’t feel healthy, or right, or like it accomplishes anything really.
I know I could ramble on and on forever more, but I think I got most of what I wanted to down. Maybe I’ll add or edit more in later but… I dunno, I know this person hasn’t been the greatest to me, maybe in their eyes I haven’t been either, but I can’t know how they feel if they just avoid me but despite the basically 2 months of avoidance now, I still miss her and would like to talk about things… obviously there’s more to talk about now with the dismissal and treating me like this. It’s funny because it feels worse than what I originally came to her about in the first place… The avoidance is just creating more problems and it’s lame =/