(WARNING: possibly triggering content.)
This is something I’ve only shared with a few people…its something I’m insanely ashamed of but I feel that it’s time to talk about it.
I had a whole plan (method, locations, alternate locations, what ifs, time of day) on how I would end my life when I turned 21years old. I found peace in that plan. The notes were written and addressed to their recipients. Everything was perfectly laid out.
But HeartSupport happened. The community happened. Life changed. I changed.
I used to live to my fullest and not really care about consequences because I thought I knew the ending. But now that everything has changed, I dont know what to do.
We are fast approaching my 22nd birthday and I feel lost. I never let myself dream because I planned to die. You dont dream about the future beyond that point when you’re dreaming of dying.
So now I’m left with a bit of a situation…I didnt plan for this. (Not that everything can be planned out anyways.) I dont know where to go from here. In a way, I’m scared. I didnt expect to be here. I didnt expect to be facing all these adult challenges. I didnt expect to be planning a continuing future. I didnt expect to be here and need to figure out how to survive in this crazy world.
So…What do I do? Where do I go from here? How to I let go of the confusion, frustration, shame, and other emotions that have come with this? How do I move forward? What do I do with my life? How do I respond to people who want to know what my plan for the future is? What jobs do I chase after when I’m not even sure who i am now?
This has kept me up late a lot. It seriously feels like I’ve stepped beyond the limits of my world and into a completely foreign area. I guess this is, in a way, a good kind of confusion/lost feeling to be faced with but it’s still something that’s causing a lot of anxiety.
Anywho…Thanks for reading the ramblings of a confused Bethy. Advice is appreciated. The love that has been shown to me here is beyond anything I’ve had before…I’ve made lasting friendships. Thank you.
I would be lost without the community, support, love, hope, and resources I’ve found here.