Opening up about the confusion I'm faced with because of my past

(WARNING: possibly triggering content.)

This is something I’ve only shared with a few people…its something I’m insanely ashamed of but I feel that it’s time to talk about it.

I had a whole plan (method, locations, alternate locations, what ifs, time of day) on how I would end my life when I turned 21years old. I found peace in that plan. The notes were written and addressed to their recipients. Everything was perfectly laid out.

But HeartSupport happened. The community happened. Life changed. I changed.

I used to live to my fullest and not really care about consequences because I thought I knew the ending. But now that everything has changed, I dont know what to do.

We are fast approaching my 22nd birthday and I feel lost. I never let myself dream because I planned to die. You dont dream about the future beyond that point when you’re dreaming of dying.

So now I’m left with a bit of a situation…I didnt plan for this. (Not that everything can be planned out anyways.) I dont know where to go from here. In a way, I’m scared. I didnt expect to be here. I didnt expect to be facing all these adult challenges. I didnt expect to be planning a continuing future. I didnt expect to be here and need to figure out how to survive in this crazy world.

So…What do I do? Where do I go from here? How to I let go of the confusion, frustration, shame, and other emotions that have come with this? How do I move forward? What do I do with my life? How do I respond to people who want to know what my plan for the future is? What jobs do I chase after when I’m not even sure who i am now?

This has kept me up late a lot. It seriously feels like I’ve stepped beyond the limits of my world and into a completely foreign area. I guess this is, in a way, a good kind of confusion/lost feeling to be faced with but it’s still something that’s causing a lot of anxiety.

Anywho…Thanks for reading the ramblings of a confused Bethy. Advice is appreciated. The love that has been shown to me here is beyond anything I’ve had before…I’ve made lasting friendships. Thank you. :heart:
I would be lost without the community, support, love, hope, and resources I’ve found here.

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Bethy!

I’m SO glad that you are still here, that you chose to live! It can be scary not knowing what the future will look like. At the same time, it also can be exciting because you have this wide open door of possibilities!

Think about what you’re passionate about. For example, do you like working with kids? Working with people or do you prefer working more alone? Writing? Helping others? Take some time to think about what you enjoy doing. Then start applying to jobs where you could do those things. For example if you like working with kids, apply to some day cares. If you prefer working alone, apply to maybe an office job where you could work at a computer and do most work “by yourself”. Go for things you think you’d enjoy.

That said, you may not end up getting your “dream job” right away. However, whatever you do, do it knowing you are making an impact on those around you. Even if your job isn’t your first choice, go into it knowing that you can focus on not only the job itself, but on building relationships with co workers, maybe making new friends, being an inspiration to those around you by just being yourself. That will bring purpose to your job, even if you don’t particularly like what you are doing.

That said, I hope you find something you enjoy!

Also, think of things you enjoy doing in your spare time. Make a list. Then take time to do one or two of those a day.

Life is an adventure. I know it’s scary. But try not to be scared. You have tons of opportunity in front of you. Even if life’s uncertain!

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Hey @TheeCrazyBethy,

I’m really impressed by your story, in terms of how you decided to ignore your demons on your 21st birthday and continued pushing forward! We’re so glad you’re here. :slight_smile:

Part of your story reminds me a lot of the story of my #1 role model, Lacey Sturm. I highly recommend for you to watch her testimony - you might find more inspiration here too:

You are absolutely 100% not alone with these questions. Most (if not all) people ask themselves these questions at one point or another. In fact, these questions haunt me in my sleep at night, but I’m determined to answer them by continuing to push forward and let life unfold itself. I personally see a counselor, and we’re going over these questions. If you aren’t seeing any professional, I would highly recommend it. The amount of peace that’s filled in the room is incredible. I enjoy hiking alone, and I find it to be a perfect place to saturate myself in these questions; I find myself in the forest. Find a place of solitude. Bring a journal and start writing what’s on your mind. You’ll be surprised at what could come out!

-Eric

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Hi Bethy,

First off, I just want to say how happy I am that you are still here. I am glad that I got to meet you during our study of “All Things New”. I hope that the book encouraged you and that you learned more about what is waiting for you when you do pass from this world - but I hope that it’s not voluntarily.

Thank you for sharing this with us. And if you remember anything about me from our study, you know what I’m going to say. If your heart is still beating, God has a great plan for your life. He brought you Heartsupport so that you wouldn’t go through with your plan. That was a huge blessing and He redeemed you! He has so much more to show you in this life. I know that it’s hard to switch your plans and your dreams after you already had them all planned out, but God works in the business of change and revival and if you will just let him, He will change you and revive you.

I love that Eric shared Lacey Sturm’s story with you. She is literally my favorite person ever and I look up to her so much and relate to her story. She surrendered her life to God and the blessings, joy, peace and love started pouring in. I encourage you to start listening to some sermons (LifeChurch, Elevation Church, Hope City Church) and learning what God really thinks about you. You are his precious child, his prized possession, and he takes delight in you. :two_hearts:

We all love you!
<3 Stephanie

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Bethy,

I know you are in a transitional period of your life. This means new things will come and old things will leave. It is unfortunately a part of life. Sometimes we lose our comforts and some of the things we used to know. In the same way, you technically aren’t in an entirely foreign area because of where you are moving to and how your life is moving forward. At the same time though I can see the challenges you face. Trust me adulting is hard…

You might not have expected to be here but you are here. That is what is important. You keep going on, you keep pushing towards what you want to do. Sometimes the things that are the most unplanned are the best things. I know that sounds cliche but its true.

Hold Fast,
PMacDanceDude (Patrick) Team Out of the Ashes

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