Hey @Heartsick,
Thank you so much for being here and sharing your heart. As a very anxious person myself, I know opening up can feel very scary and uncomfortable, even through written words. But you just did it here, and I hope you’ll allow yourself to be proud of yourself for taking that step.
You’ve been through a lot and it truly makes sense to feel how you feel. This person was an anchor to you and held an important place in your life. 6 years is not nothing. It’s understandable to feel torn sometimes, to have this desire to reach out to her and share your struggles. Right now, you are learning to rely more on yourself and you’re on your way to create a new support system. One that won’t include her, which is a loss that you need to grieve on your own time, but that doesn’t mean you won’t be able to cope since she’s not around anymore. You have that strength within you. It just needs the right support, people and environment to be revealed to you, just because depression and anxiety can really try to beat us down and make us doubt about ourselves.
Your rock is gone and since then you’ve been walking on paths that are not really you or who you want to be. But here you are too, being honest and vulnerable, acknowledging that, maybe, during this journey of yours you were about to lose yourself. It takes a huge amount of strength to open up about this, friend. A lot.
Your moral compass isn’t gone and being here sharing all of this shows it. But yes, you’ve lost a part of yourself with her. You’ve lost a part of your life, of your world. So it makes sense to feel lost and have a hard time organizing your thoughts. You’re grieving this relationship, friend. And at the same time, your depression and anxiety didn’t go away suddenly of course, so it’s like another hardship to deal with, on the top of what you were already going through.
You will find your way back, friend. You’ll learn to compose with the emptiness that she left. You’ll learn to honor the beautiful memories you had together, also to keep with you the good things she brought into your life, yet at the same time you’ll learn to cope differently, in a way that will remain healthy for you. The potential for growth and healing isn’t gone with her. It just takes a different shape now, and you are learning to be more familiar with it, at your own pace.
I’m really sorry that you feel alone despite having your friends and family. It’s a brutal spot to be in - feeling isolated while knowing that, objectively, we’re not truly alone. But sometimes our pain is just too deep and hard to communicate. It makes us feel inherently lonely and broken. We’re not though. It’s just how it is when we go through a painful season in our life.
I want you to know that you are not alone, friend, even if it feels like this. We hear your voice here. We see you. We see your struggles but also your efforts. I believe you will be able to overcome this. But you’ll need to welcome new forms of support in your life. Maybe your friends and family would be more supportive if they could know or understand a little more what you’re going through? Maybe seeing a counselor could be a good decision too? Or a support group? You are allowed to integrate in your life new types of emotional support. You are allowed to try, even if it’s to realize that some of those things don’t work for you. It takes time to create our own safety net, but it’s worth it. Because YOU are worth it. You were worth the comfort and help you received yesterday, and you are worth the same tomorrow. You matter, always. 
means so much! 
Yes I’ve heard amazing things about Heart Support. I appreciate your reply!