As a continuation to my last post, again, this is another really hard thing for me to admit, but I can be extremely overbearing.
Since me being called out for what I mentioned in my last post, my most recent partner noticed some of the patterns in our relationship and has split up with me for the time being, she’s still supporting me as much as she can in my journey to become a better version of myself, but when I ask about the future she tells me she wants to see a full change in me and get through her 3rd year of university before we can look at us getting back together (around May next year).
I completely understand this and I can see that she’s giving me all the time I need in order for me to get better and stay better, however it terrifies me as she is my absolute soulmate and I can’t bear the thought of her having relations with another man while we’re not together, I know this sounds selfish of me, but it’s leading me to bear down on her out of anxiety. Asking her what she’s doing every day and expressing my genuinely undying love for her, she’s still making time to come and see me etc, but she’s getting sick of my overbearing behaviour and so am I.
But the thought of permanently being without her and this break not being temporary is absolutely crushing me.
She’s my everything and I can’t bear the thought of losing her.
I apologise if this sounds pathetic, I just don’t know where else to turn to for support.
I’ve been there. It’s WAY easier said than done, but try to follow the old adage “If you love someone, let them go. If you’re meant to be together, they’ll come back. If they don’t you weren’t meant to be together.”
The ex that caused me the most heartbreak, and still a little pain to this day, wanted to take a road trip to get the rest of her stuff from out of state. I sensed something was wrong, so I texted her constantly and tried to call, but she’d either ignore my calls or keep them really brief. That week, she “figured out that she needed space” and told me in a text that while she loved me, she couldn’t be with me. That caused me the only panic attack I’ve ever had. I started blowing up her phone, and in between rejected calls she said she didn’t want to talk to me because she didn’t want to hear the pain in my voice. Real chicken shit. Turns out she wanted a clear conscience before she hooked up with her ex. I was devastated when I found that out.
A couple months later, when things with her ex went south because that’s what they do, she came back and said she wanted to take it slow. We tried, but there was too much chemistry there for that. So she stepped away again, then came back and said she wanted to just be friends. Again, too much chemistry. She wanted me in her life, but she wasn’t ready to settle down. Meanwhile, I got really jealous, hurt, and upset when she texted or flirted with other guys, and as much as I wanted to be with her, I couldn’t bring myself to trust her again. I thought she was the one, and I knew she loved me, but I couldn’t keep the toxic patterns up, so about a year later I cut off contact.
What I’m getting at is I clung to her as hard as I could, but she kept slipping away, and it drained me. If you can bring yourself to let her go and give both of you space, you’ll be ripping the bandaid off for both of you. It will be hard, it will hurt for a good while, but you’ll start healing instead of prolonging the hurt.
I understand what you’re getting at man, but it’s me that’s caused the damage.
I would do anything to fix what I’ve done, and I guess, as you say, letting go and not expecting anything to happen in the future is probably the best at forward from here, but it is so difficult to do that, I do not want to lose this woman.
I guess, I’m time, I can settle into a strong friendship with her, but I will always hold some form of hope that in the future, we will have another chance at it.
She’s said she wants to take every aspect slowly, but I do suffer with asd, chronic anxiety and depression, all of which get a grip on my negative thought patterns and make me think all of this shit is happening, her texting other guys and whatnot. There is however, a 9 year age gap between us, she’s 34 and I’m 25, and after talking to my mother about this yesterday, she suggested that my ex partner has her head fully screwed on and while all the covid stuff is going on in the world, she wouldn’t be wanting to bring other people into her home etc.
As well as this, my ex partner has also said that she’s knuckling down and focussing entirely on her daughter, dog, house and last year in university, however my head gets so overwhelmed and focussed on one bad thing changing the entire game for our future if you get me?
I need to break out of this thought cycle, or there really won’t be a chance for us in the future.
Whatever happens, you’ve learned from this and you will be better for it in the future. We don’t see what we’re not looking for, least of all in ourselves, and it’s humbling when our flaws get driven home; but it’s an opportunity to start fresh, or at least live mindfully.
I don’t think this idea is toxic, but it can hurt if it doesn’t come to pass or if it takes longer than you’d like. The best advice I have, which again is something you have to be ready to do, is let her loose into a no-strings friendship, then when the time is right try dating like it’s brand new. I believe you can reconcile your relationship in the future, but for now she’s going to live her life on her terms, and you need to make peace with that or you’ll resent her more and more.
I went through this with every girl I dated up until I met my wife. In fact, I was haunted by imaginary thoughts of my first girlfriend cheating on me 2 years after we broke up. I don’t know what to tell you other than it’s not true and it’s outside your control, which aren’t really soothing pieces of advice; but I feel your pain.
She has a lot on her plate. Those are all mandatory obligations, and she could just be feeling overwhelmed and trying to keep her life manageable. This is a time in her life where she needs support. If you want to show support, maybe you can agree on a time that works for her, say every couple weeks, where you call and ask how school is going and how her daughter is doing. Don’t force it, but see if it’s something she’d be open to. In those times, listen, sympathize over the tough stuff, and celebrate the good stuff with her. Don’t make the calls about you or how much you miss her–she already knows. Focus on building her up and cheering her on. I can tell you form experience it will go a long way in the future.
The future isn’t written in stone, and that can be good or bad for your relationship. No one knows what will happen, and the more you try to control it, the more out of control it will get. To quote the '80s song, “Hold on loosely, and don’t let go; if you cling too tightly, you’re gonna lose control.” You’ll have to trust that everything will work out the way it’s supposed to, even if it’s not the way you want it to right now.
I hope y’all wind up together, but it’s not guaranteed. What I can say is that if a woman 9 years older with a daughter and a lot of ambition sees enough value in you to let you into her life, you’re good and worthy, even if you’ve made mistakes in the past. If you don’t wind up together, there is a woman out there who will be lucky to have you. If you do wind up together, then that woman is her.
Sounds like you have a good relationship with your mom. You’re a fortunate guy. That was really good insight on her part, and it sounds like she can be there for you when things get tough. Use that.
Thanks man, I will be using this as a guideline to go by.
She’s been over to see me today, I made her dinner (I’m in the UK, please don’t let the time zone cause confusion) we spoke about how we went into the relationship a little too hastily at the start of it all and pretty much set ourselves up to fail from the start.
We do still love and care about each other a hell of a lot and have decided mutually on a no strings best friendship kind of status in each other’s lives for now as we both have issues we need to sort out (me more than her).
We spoke about me messaging her a lot and she has described how she’s felt suffocated by me, so I’ll need to find some techniques to avoid thinking about messaging her/talking to her/spending time with her as much so I can focus on myself and getting myself better.
I certainly think the one call a week/every couple of weeks is a good idea and definitely keeping the conversation all about her and how she is. I will admit, up until now I have centred a lot of it around myself and what I want due to the panicked “life hanging in the balance” type of state I’ve been in, but I plan for this to change.
Thankyou again man, as I said at the beginning of this reply, I will definitely be using this as a guideline. Big love!