I don’t know whats wrong with me LOL as i fight back tears to type this out to you all. I am currently going to a counselor, i’ve only been to two sessions so far. I need help and fast. I’m overly insecure… Super controlling over my husband i wont even let him look at another girl or talk to any unless we are in a check out line or its a doctor or nurse… About nothing other than the topic at hand such as the item being purchased or whatever we would go to the doctors for. I dont want him to have any female friends, aquaintances or anything of the sort. He stays home and is on ssi while i work. Im not fat but im not skinny im not ugly but im not pretty im just inbetween and i absolutely hate myself. Everyone (almost everyone) says how pretty i am but of course i think they are lying. I fucked up and dated an ex who is a tattoo artist now i have a bunch of tattoos i regret… I just hate how my life is going and who i am. I hate the same gender because im always compairing myself to them and thinking that my husband would prefer them over me. I just want to reset who i am, i dont deserve to live and my husband deserves someone better prettier smarter etc… hopefully someone can help.
Oh man, this is so brutal…to feel like everywhere you go you’re less beautiful than others…to feel like beauty is the only reason that your husband would stay, and if he so much as sees someone else prettier than you then he’s destined to leave you…to feel like your worth is wrapped up in something you can’t control, and something you feel completely insecure in…you hate the way you look because it makes you feel unsafe all the time, in every situation…you hate women that are prettier than you because it makes you feel inadequate…you hate the previous relationship you were in because of the tattoos you got and you feel it makes your appearance worse…beauty is such a burden…when you have it, you fear losing it, and you fear losing out to a greater beauty than your own…you’re desperate to regain control of your husband’s perception, but it feels so out of your control that you feel like you’re grasping at sand…the harder you squeeze, the more comes out of your hand…
I’m so sorry you’re in this spot feeling trapped between helplessness and worthlessness…I know a similar feeling in my own life…I felt my worth was tied to my performance – but not just how well I perform, but how well I perform compared to others…I felt in order to be loved I had the be the absolute best because if I was the best, then no one could tell me I was worth less than someone else. I fought so hard to climb to the top but discovered I was sprinting on a treadmill…that path was never going to lead to my worthiness, to my self-acceptance and love…I just spent so many years running in place…I had to find something different to tie my worth to before I was set free from the crazy state I was in trying to control every game, every competition, every opportunity to prove myself.
I don’t know what the answer is going to be for you, but I know that it’s not going to be in controlling your beauty or your husband’s perception of others’ beauty. Beauty CAN’T = love…in the same way that being the best CAN’T = love for me. I lost so much of my life playing that game, and it sounds like you have too. Good news is – that’s not the only game you can play, and it’s certainly not the best…just look at the way it makes you feel. There IS a better way out there. I’m finding it in my life, and I know you can too. You are not alone in this journey, and hope is dead-ahead.
-Nate
Thank you for sharing, that sounds like a very hard spot to be in. Healing is definitely possible nd it’s great that you’re taking steps to address it. It may be a longer process than expected but stick through it. Healing takes time and is full of ups and downs but you can experience freedom from these overwhelming thoughts! We believe in you and will be here for you for the whole journey. And right now, you are already enough. You are worthy of love and happiness. You matter and the whole is better for having you in it.