So…my dad passed away September 21st. I was there. Watched him take his last breath. Watched the funeral home take away his body. He’s gone…forever. It still feels unreal and like I’m in some sort of horrific nightmare I can’t wake up from. Yesterday, I merged his contact info with my mom’s since she’s now in charge of it all. I’ve cried. Ive been angry. Now…I just feel lost and broken.
Add to it I’m now working two jobs on top of battling increasingly severe autoimmune disease flares. It may not sound like a lot to you, dear reader, but I’ve worked 20hrs in the last 3days and I am so exhausted…with 9hrs left to work Monday. I don’t know how to keep doing this. My mental health and physical health are taking a big hit.
I’m back to the point where I should probably be checking myself into a psych ward or treatment center…but idk how to take care of me when my mom is demanding I take care of her and work as much as I possibly can (which in her mind is EVERY DAY). She doesn’t grasp the concept of chronic illnesses, mental illnesses, and invisible disabilities.
So yeah, I’m overwhelmed and struggling with suicidal thoughts again. Grief + mental illness + stress = a horrible combo.
Anyone have advice for making it? I’m so tired of fighting and don’t know what to do anymore.
Sounds like you need an actual break to grieve, to give your mind and body a rest. I can’t imagine how it’s affecting your health right now, but I do know how stressful situations can make things flare up.
Have you been able to take some time out and properly go through grieving or have you been too busy worrying about everything but yourself?
Hi. I am sorry for the loss of your father. I know its just awful and impossible. We all grieve in our own ways and nothing you are feeling is wrong. It makes more sense with time, but its probably going to be difficult for awhile.
I know its difficult to take time for self-care especially if it feels like we are letting someone down or not living up to our responsibilities. You deserve to be taken care of.
It sounds like a lot of the pressure is coming from your mom…both to take care of her as well as to work as much as you are able. If I were to offer advice I would say to work on communicating how you feel and your situation to her, not to get out of your responsibilities but so she understands that you are struggling.
There is no magic formula for life. Its mainly trying to be kind and honest and communicating what is in our hearts and leaning on those that are close to us.
Its ok to let your mom know you are having a hard time too and that you need to lean on her while shes leaning on you. Even if the idea of that conversation is unpleasant (I hope its not) I think that the conversation is still more pleasant than getting pushed past your breaking point…pretty much everything is.