I’m not sure how to start this. But I’ve been feeling a bit overwhelmed lately. I work two jobs one is my teching dance and gymnastics witch I love. The other is my full time job . At this point I’m only keeping it because I cant find anything else and I need the health insurance to pay for my therapy. I have PTSD and have been going biweekly for three years.To be honest I feel working at my main job is damaging my mental health. I’ll want to do is hide. I started feeling depressed insted of processing it I added more to my schedule to distract myself. I feel like I’m losing myself. I’ve had a hard time sleeping because I cant turn off my mind. I’ve subconsciously cut my food intake because it’s one less thing to think about. I know I need to do more self care but I’m just exhausted(I’m working 55 to 60 hours a week). I’m not present around friends and family. It this point I don’t understand why anyone would want to be around me. I feel like I need to be everything to everyone. I know most of this presser is coming from me. For years I’ve been passively suicidal. I know that it’s more of not wanting my life to continue through way it is but Its hard when I see little progress. I wish I knew my purpose so I could work towards that. Two weeks ago I found out my cousins daughter was assaulted. Just typing that brings tears. I just don’t know what to do or think anymore. I feel like I’m getting closer to having a break down. I feel guilty for complaining about my life after that. Sorry for rambling. If you have any advice on self care please let me know. Prayers are also much needed.
Hey @Jenn,
Thank you so much for reaching out. I’m terribly sorry to hear about what you’re going through. I’m also currently seeing a counselor (weekly) and I recently brought up a similar topic with him. I was talking to him about how I strongly dislike my current job, along with the immense disappointment of being turned down my dream job. I was caught in a spiral of anxiety (and subsequently depression), and I didn’t know what to do. His advice came in the form of a question: “What makes you happy?” - Insinuating to distance myself from sources that fuel me with unhappiness, and to search for what fills me with joy. He didn’t tell me what to do, but he gave me the tools to make the decision for myself. I don’t want to tell you what to do either, but I could encourage you to take care of yourself and to find what truly makes you happy. Everything else will fall into place. Just my two-cents. 
-Eric
@Jenn, don’t feel guilty. There’s nothing wrong with complaining about your life’s struggles. Nothing. No one can expect you to be strong constantly all the time. You don’t owe them anything to be everything. If working at your main job is damaging your mental health, then it’s kind of hurting back on your therapy, isn’t it? But if you think the therapy is important, then keep it. Everything seems overwhelming, but that’s okay. Just breathe, it’s okay to feel overwhelmed.
Be who you are.
Stay strong, and never give up.
It’s okay to not be okay. You are loved, you are valuable and we are here for you.
Hey Jenn, thank you so much for posting and sharing your feelings with us!
I’m so sorry you’re in this situation - you’re heading towards a burnout. Something needs to be done, and fast. Whatever it is, you need to put yourself first. Your struggles are real, and they’re valid, and they’re not comparable to anyone else’s. You should not feel guilty for struggling. Much love, I hope you can cut out those work hours. You cant pour from an empty cup - please take care of yourself, whatever it takes. <3
I definitely empathize with sitting up at night letting the dark corners of the mind creep up on you, and that feeling of not being worth self care because theirs no time, or you’re not worth it.
I only recently (in the grand scheme of things) came through the fugue myself. Coming out of it, with the help of the HS crew, and my friends, and my partner at work I came to terms with a few things:
-
Sleep. So Important. My partner used to harp on me because he has depression, that I couldnt keep doing this 4-5 hours a night and expect to actually thrive. He meant this both in a mental faculties sense at work, and an emotional well being. I kept giving him lip service about it and then eventually went “Yknow what? What do I have to lose?” I have to say, forcing myself to sleep, 7-8 hours a night, turning off everything, phone, TV, Etc… and just resting? It had an amazing and almost immediate effect.
-
Food/Drink: Your body is a machine, and like your brain needs sleep, your body needs food and water. I make a point to sit and cook at least 1-2 nice meals just for myself, every week. Foods I like that are good for me, like last week I made Mussels with Quinoa and Mixed Veggies. Not only was it nice to do something for myself, but it also gave me that sustenance I need, and that fuel in my belly. My partner also pushed me to drink more water, and while I didnt enjoy having to leave my desk every 10 seconds for the rest room, just slamming down that hydration also made me feel a bit better.
-
I know how hard it is when you’re working that long to pause and just do you, but you have to, for your own sanity. Step back, and just do something PURELY for you. I dont care if its buying a new outfit, watching that movie you meant to see like 5 years ago but never got around to because life, going to a restaraunt, sitting out on a mountaintop and watching the sunrise, the important part is that its not something that you’re doing because its expected of you, or that you have an obligation, but that its for you. In this regard I also recommend hitting up the #DREAMCRUSHER channel on the discord, that’s a crew of people that is all about some self care.
Now I know there’s also a million other ways to feel better like exercise, and vitamins and such, and those may work for you, the above worked for me.
You got this, we can help. You are loved.
Thanks, I haven’t thought about that in awhile. I should probably look more into that.