Overwhelmed, loved ones death anniversary, fear of school

hey all, its been a hot second since i posted a life update or really been active here. ive been having a hard time lately, specifically just the past few days. Yesterday specifically hurt. Yesterday was the one year anniversary of losing my sensei. very sad for me, i took his death super hard. What REALLY stung was… I drove past where our old dojo was yesterday ( keep in mind it was in a strip center right next to my grocery store so, i see the space all the time) and just yesterday… someone rented it out. Im not sure what the space will be now but, i saw a little girl in there setting something up and it made me so sad. It gave me flashbacks. I used to teach little kids in there. I myself was a little kid there at one point. Its so unfair i grew up in that place and now its just gone. When I saw that, it just felt like a knife through the heart. I feel a sense of emptiness again. It stings. I screamed and cried to myself the whole way home. I feel like im grieving all over again, just in a less extreme manor. What i really dont understand is , of all times someone could rent the space out… why RIGHT on his death anniversary… it hurts so much more. all my mom could say was " well, he is dead now. you knew the space wouldnt stay vacant. " she always was so insensitive about it. She invalidated my grieving process when it initially happened too and i hated her for it. that place was my second home. and now. its truly gone… on top of that stuff I have had other stressful events happen this week, such as my ex texting me. We had dated over a year, i gave him lots of chances that i really should not have given. In our relationship he never once told me he loved me because well, he didnt. When he reached out to me the other day he told me that he loved me and wanted me to change my mind because he wanted a future with me. I obviously politely told him he needed to move on but i was so irritated. You date me for over a year and refuse to tell me you love me, make me cry over you and dont tell me you love me until several months after the breakup? what does someone do with that. Update: I wrote this on Monday I believe? it is now Thursday night. Feeling a little better from things. not really a lot but I am trying to pick myself up. Ive been painting and trying to practice self care. I also am really stressed about school starting again. For the first time in three years I am going to be back in public school and im so scared. Its my senior year, I just want one year of highschool to relax, have fun and enjoy myself but I dont know if my anxiety will let me do that. my school has a THOUSAND kids in it and over all school feels to be a unsafe environment. ESPECIALLY with all the mass shootings that have happened so far this year :frowning: school shootings always have been one of my worst fears and with what society has come to, now more than ever sadly it feels that fear is very justified. what do you even do with that? The fear of getting shot when you are just trying to graduate highschool… its messed up. I think when school starts again im gonna lose my mind.

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Dear @cs15,

It’s always a joy to see you around, and I’m grateful that you took the time to share some updates, but also just how you’ve been feeling lately.

When I saw that, it just felt like a knife through the heart. I feel a sense of emptiness again. It stings. I screamed and cried to myself the whole way home. I feel like im grieving all over again, just in a less extreme manor.

Yes, friend. This is another wave of grief. One that you probabaly expected since you knew this anniversary was coming and bring its share of memories, but seeing the dojo was rented out is something you didn’t expect and adds more pain to how you were feeling already. I can’t begin to imagine how that must feel for you. Grieving, to me, has always been like sharing a special “bubble” with someone or something. In it, there are unique memories, places, objects, people, words… And grieving is acknowledging each one of those, one after another, at your own pace, and learning how to live with it differently, to give it a new space in your heart and mind. The longer we knew the person, the deeper we loved them, then the more there are pieces to acknowledge, and the longer it takes.

This dojo is one of the places that are attached to your memories shared with your sensei. It makes sense to feel something intense related to it. And seeing it suddenly rented is like removing this from you, while now might not be the right time for you. You weren’t prepared, even if somehow you knew it would happen one day. But still it hurts deeply, which absolutely makes sense. When my brother passed away, in my family, we all had different ways to grieve, especially the first months after. When my dad decided, a little bit for everyone else, that he wanted to give away my brother’s books, I felt a huge, huge distress. I felt the need to stand up and say no, to ask my dad to keep them in the meantime, and I’d take them with me once I’d have more space where I live… Just because these books were the reflection of my brother’s most important interests and passions. It was such an important part of his soul, of who he was, of how curious and cultivated he was, and as his little sister we spent hours talking together about history as this was his main passion. Taking these books away felt like removing not just memories, but a deep part of who he was and of what connected us together. And feeling like this was decided for me just triggered a deep pain and distress as well.

How you feel makes sense, friend. And my heart goes out to you, so much. Allow yourself to feel what needs to be felt. It’s okay. You are still processing, grieving, weeping. It is at the measure of how important you sensei is for you. There is nothing wrong in this. Only a pure reflection of love.

all my mom could say was " well, he is dead now. you knew the space wouldnt stay vacant. " she always was so insensitive about it. She invalidated my grieving process when it initially happened too and i hated her for it.

I’m so sorry. This comment was indeed very insensitive. Whether you knew it or not, it doesn’t make it easier. When someone knows a loved one is going to pass away because of a disease for example, they’re never truly, entirely prepared for the moment they say goodbye. It still hurts ver deeply. Because this is about losses, and learning to say goodbye and compose with something or someone that isn’t anymore is a difficult process to go through.

Know that you are understood right here. Your pain is acknowledged. Your experience is valid.

I obviously politely told him he needed to move on but i was so irritated.

I imagine that it was really tough and stressful to see him coming like this and finally telling you what you wanted. You’ve made a decision, and it has to be respected. Maybe he has some remorses. Maybe he finally realized how he feels about you. But sometimes the hurt happened and it feels like the “right” time is gone. In any case, I hope you know that your decision was valid and okay. And no matter what you envision in the future with or without him, we here will keep supporting you through all of it.

Ive been painting and trying to practice self care.

Well done, friend. What a beautiful way to take care of yourself, let your mind wander, and rest your heart. Drawing and coloring have been my go-to as well since covid/lockdowns striked. It’s incredibly soothing and grounding.

If sometimes you’d like to share your art, feel free to join the Discord server (if you’re not there already). It would be awesome to see you there as well. No pressure though, it’s just an invitation:

school shootings always have been one of my worst fears and with what society has come to, now more than ever sadly it feels that fear is very justified. what do you even do with that? The fear of getting shot when you are just trying to graduate highschool… its messed up. I think when school starts again im gonna lose my mind.

You will be okay, friend. But it’s absolutely normal to be anxious. First going back to school when we struggle with aniety is a challenge in itself. So if you add going to a different school + the stressful news out there… it makes sense to anticipate it and feel nervous about it. Though keep in mind that 1/ schools are well aware of those issues as well and they actively work on making sure these environements are kept safe for everyone; 2/ It will be a matter of time before you develop new habits there and get more familiar with the place, but you’ll get there, at your own pace. There will be some kind of floating time during which you’ll probably feel lost and more stressed, but progressively you’ll gain a sense of familiarity by seeing the same places, the same faces as well. You wil be okay, friend.

If it helps, try to write down your fears. Here or in a personal notebook. Writing down our worries and thoughts is a little therapy in itself, even if it’s uncomfortable at the moment. It also give a specific time and space to let your worries out, so you can embrace the rest of the day in a less stressful way. You are not at your school yet, which is important to keep in mind. Worries about the future are valid and okay. But try to ground yourself in the present too, as much as possible.

Sending love your way. :hrtlegolove:

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Thank you so much for your response, it makes me feel a lot better <3 im doing a bit better since the death anniversary now. It’s still very sad… i knew my sensei for roughly ten years. I had many memories and that place was always my second home. On the positive side however me and my other close martial arts get together every week at a park now to do training !! Even though he has passed on those relationships/ bonds have strengthened through it and im so thankful. One of my friends is even gonna make a makeshift home dojo so we all can train in the winter together as well <3 it makes me beyond happy. As for school, it can be so challenging for me to keep tabs on JUST focusing on the present. Especially when the future that I am afraid of is basically only a month away. You made me feel better in saying i’d grow familiar with the place which is true and a is good thing. Luckily i dont have a first period class so i will miss the hallway morning rush that always has made me anxious. Ill only be there 8-2 and have several art classes which is good and should be helpful! And I am in the discord, im not super active but I totally should share some of my work sometime ! I do Bob Ross stuff, anime art, fan art, etc :slight_smile: art and creating really is just so therapeutic. I hope you have a great day!

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Hey I’m glad you’re feeling a bit better. Time helps, really, even though it’s not everything. It’s so important to take it easy during these times of acute reminders and grief.

On the positive side however me and my other close martial arts get together every week at a park now to do training !! Even though he has passed on those relationships/ bonds have strengthened through it and im so thankful. One of my friends is even gonna make a makeshift home dojo so we all can train in the winter together as well <3 it makes me beyond happy.

Oh my gosh. This is beautiful! What a wonderful way to keep his legacy alive. And not only on your own, but with others as well! What a wonderful manifestation of love, and life.

Luckily i dont have a first period class so i will miss the hallway morning rush that always has made me anxious. Ill only be there 8-2 and have several art classes which is good and should be helpful!

That’s really good. I totally hear you for the morning rush. And if you and I are a bit the same, then you certainly understand what’s behind the expression “morning anxiety”. Quite a curse… so it’s SUPER GOOD that you’ll have time on your own in the morning. Just to take it easy, breathe, relax. And maybe even develop a routine that would help you start the days with a calm and positive mindset. Just like the end of the day can be a good time for closure, mornings are also a perfect time to set intentions and connect with our heart.

nd I am in the discord, im not super active but I totally should share some of my work sometime ! I do Bob Ross stuff, anime art, fan art, etc :slight_smile: art and creating really is just so therapeutic.

100000%! It has helped me so many times during some very rough times. I think I saw you on Discord! Your art is amazing!! So glad you’ve shared some of it! It’s incredibly precious. :blush:

Have a wonderful day my friend. Take care of yourself. Take care of your heart. It’s such a beautiful place. It is vibrant and full of life. :slight_smile:

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