Overwhelming grief

[Mamabear33]

I’ve been a long time lerker to Heartsupport but have yet to post until now. I’ll just jump right into it and I apologise if it’s long.

My first experience with grief was when I was 8 years old and I lost my Uncle Alan, he was my best friend. He had diabetes (I didn’t know) and he uses to take me to his house every weekend since I was about 4 and those were such special times for me as he tought me so much. He died suddenly in the hospital around my 8th birthday. I didn’t know he had passed until about a month after his passing because my family didn’t want me to be sad. I was devastated when I found out because I didn’t und why he stopped getting me for weekends and he got me out of my bad living situation as a child and didn’t have that anymore. He’s the one who taught me to not discriminate against anyone and I miss him so bad it hurts me. How do you get past all those life lessons and all the love? I have a young child and I realize that I’m half the parent he was as I have a short fuse and quick to upset. I miss him literally everyday and I wish I was half the person he was for my kid.

I also lost another Uncle when I was in my early twenties and that was also sudden and equally as heartbreaking. He was one of the kindest souls I’d ever known. He overdosed and I didn’t know he was am addict to heroin. That was a hard loss as well as he was my confidante. He taught me things I needed to learn later in life (teen years). Turns out he was a troubled man.

My latest grief is by far my hardest one so far, my beloved Gram. She was my best friend since my Uncle Alan and my truest confident always. She was there for me when nobody else was and I can never repay her kindness and love. She knew everything about me, the good, bad and ugly but stood by me no matter what. She helped me through my periods of separation from my husband and I couldn’t have gotten through it without her. She had an aneurysm when I was about 12-13 and almost died but wasn’t ready and came back to us. She was always my biggest cheerleader. She passed away September 5th 2018, almost 2 years ago and it hurts as much today as it did that day. My kid started kindergarten the day she died and that’s not aomwtb you can forget. I should be happy right now with buying a new house with my spouse and I am, don’t get me wrong but I want so badly to pick up the phone and tell her all about it and can’t. I’m close with my Mom now but she has a ton of health issues and dealing with my Dad whose been an unfaithful prick and is due for surgery soon. I’m scared…

[Micro]

Hi @Mamabear33,

Thank you for sharing your heart here. And the story of the people you love. It’s an honor.

It sounds that your uncles and your grandma were such beautiful individuals. They were here for you, they loved you unconditionally, they taught you important things about life. What a precious treasure that you are holding in your heart and your soul. They may not be here physically anymore, but you’re holding their legacy, by sharing their stories and how much they impacted you. They keep on living through you and your voice.

My heart grieves people who were very important in my life too. People who were beacons of light to me and only knew the language of love. I feel humble when I think about them. And while I don’t have kids, I relate to what you said about feeling like you’re not half the person they were. You’re grateful for how they saw you and used to interact with you. They are still an inspiration to you. They still influenced the way you see this world, the person you are, in many positive ways. It’s beautiful to be aware of this. Somehow, it gives you a direction, values, things to aim for while trying to be the person you want to be.

You don’t have to get past all of those life lessons. They are part of you now. And your kid may not know them truly, but you’ll help them learn who they were. Through the eyes of the child that you were, and the adult that you are now.

Love goes beyond death. It’s still here, inside of your heart. It’s also why it hurts, no matter what. And it makes totally sense to be anxious because of the idea to lose someone else, like your parents. I share the same concerns with people I love. It’s hard to handle the fact that we don’t have control over those things. But we can keep on loving, as much as we can. We’ve been blessed to do life with beautiful individuals who reflected their light on us. We can keep reflecting this love on the people who are still with us, for the time that is given to us.

If your fears become overwhelming, please never hesitate to consider seeing a therapist. It’s not always easy to find spaces where we can discuss about the loss of someone (or the fear of losing someone), especially when we feel like we need a lot of time to process. It’s objectively hard to feel out of control while going through major changes. A therapist can provide this safe space. Even if it’s just for one or two sessions, it’s still something. It took me more than two years to realize that I’ve been burying some pain deep inside, just to keep functioning and go on, as our society and our loved ones expect. I’m more worried than before about losing someone. When I receive a phone call from someone I didn’t hear about for a certain time, my first thought is always to be worried about receiving bad news. I think those fears are natural in these circumstances. But it’s also important to take healthy steps to make sure that it doesn’t become crippling. Loss is part of life, but we also need to experience life at its full potential. Fears have a reason to be, but like for anything else in life, some balance has to be found.

Know that in any case, there is no right or wrong way to feel. Only your own emotions, which are all valid and have a reason to be. You are always free to express those here, anytime.

I’m sending all the virtual hugs to you. And I hope with all my heart that everything will be okay for your parents.

You are always welcome here, and/or to share the story of the people you love. We’re in this with you.

[Mamabear33]

Thank you so much for your reply, it means a lot. I have done therapy in the past and it seemed to help, just haven’t had/found time to try again. I have a hard time letting go and think it’s time to make more of an effort to seek the therapy I need. I want to be the best mom for my kid and it’s hard to do that when I’m weighed down with such heavy emotions. I have a very loving and supportive husband but I think therapy is the way to go as I don’t want to overload him with all my emotions and traumas.

[Micro]

I have a very loving and supportive husband but I think therapy is the way to go as I don’t want to overload him with all my emotions and traumas.

It’s awesome that your partner supports you. Though your perspective is understandable too. With grief and traumas, we need to take our time. The process of healing can be long and made of so many different waves. Sometimes I felt wrong by sharing the same things with my partner over an over. I tried to find other spaces, for the same reason as you. Just to compartmentalize a bit. Journaling has been quite helpful, and very recently therapy.

For what it’s worth, a couple of years ago, I gave a try to a kind of therapy called existential therapy. It’s a talking therapy that works like most common ones, but it’s quite focused on a more philosophical perspective and how to find some meaning out of specific experiences. I gave up on it - not because of the therapy, but I forced myself atm to go there while I wasn’t ready to be helped -, and this short experience was very interesting in regards of the losses I was dealing with, and the pursuit of some meaning through those experiences. Because at the moment it felt like grieving people but also a lot of other things at the same time, like beliefs about life, etc. Of course it was interesting to me, but in the end it’s always a personal choice.

In any case, it’s positive to hear that you’d be willing to give it a try again. May be a little tricky with Covid and stuff, but not impossible!

Also… I’m sure you’re an awesome mom. You care about your kid, your family. You’re willing to do your best. And it’s not easy in these circumstances. Your heart needs some time to heal as well.