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Pain from no contact

So it’s been almost one month since I had contact with my ex and it feels like my insides are clawing at me. I wake up in the middle of the night and constantly dream about him. I posted about him on here almost a month ago and got a lot of helpful responses and have been talking to my therapist every week. He’s the book definition of a narcissistic abuser.
But he also had a complicated up-bringing and life in general so there’s a lot of days my heart aches for him. I feel sad, I miss the good times, and then I feel anger to numbness. Sometimes I secretly wish he would show up on my doorstep and we can work through things. I know it’s a dumb thing to wish for.

I can’t even go to certain places that we used to go to. I went to a grocery store that I mostly went with him to and I felt myself internally panicking and rushing to get out.

Why does he just get to pick up everything and move on? Why can he just jump into relationships with other women, seconds after we break up while I’m still sitting here trying to be okay?

I’m trying to find things that make me happy but these past two days I couldn’t leave me bed and today is already starting out difficult.

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Hey @Rosethorn,

I hear you. It’s really hard to move on from a relationship, even if the person you loved was abusive towards you. It’s a grieving process, friend. Your mind knows what the reality is, but your heart feels differently. You will regain the peace you deserve. But indeed, it can some time for your heart to heal. Some days you’ll feel strong, and some days it’s hard to get up. In both cases: it’s okay to feel how you feel. You’ll need to give to yourself a lot of grace through this season. Your wishes, your thoughts, none of this is dumb. It’s only human.

You said you try to focus on things that makes you happy: what’s helping you these days? :slight_smile:

Take your time, friend. One day after another. You’ll get through this. :heart:

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@Rosethorn you are doing a great job right now. You are experiencing all of these feelings (all of which are valid) and yet are remaining strong in not contacting him and maintaining that connection with your therapist. That is seriously amazing and I can only imagine how tiring that must be as well to work through all of those thoughts and feelings. Relationships are hard things to heal from but you are doing the work and that’s great. I can only imagine how unfair it feels that your ex isn’t experiencing the same kind of pain that you are.
Thank you for sharing and updating us on the process. Seriously, you are so strong :star: needing rest is okay. You will get through this and we are here for you along the way.

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Thank you. Lately I take a lot of walks, read, and self care. Part of me is thinking about moving so I can work towards a career but I’m also scared to be somewhere without him. I feel so attached.

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When you have loved someone is not easy to move on, no matter if that relationship was a romantic one or a friendship.
So even things went bad or that person have hurt you is normal to miss someone you once care about.

Maybe you wont be okay for the next moths and maybe you still miss him, and that normal but maybe in the next year you be better and maybe you wont miss him a lot. Like they always say: Time heals everything.

For now, maybe you could try to do things you líke to do🤗 and maybe in the future you could try to visit the places you went with him, so you start being okey to be in those places without him.

It wont be easy, but know that we are here for you :hugs:

Have a nice day

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Lately I take a lot of walks, read, and self care.

That’s some very awesome ways to take care of yourself, indeed!

Part of me is thinking about moving so I can work towards a career but I’m also scared to be somewhere without him. I feel so attached.

That’s really understandable, Rosethorn. Moving somewhere else is a real change and it can feel like closing a chapter of your life. It’s a transition. An important decision. And regarding how you feel about this relationship, moving to a new place is certainly a healthy thing to do. It can be also refreshing to try to do something different and in a new place. Like a new beginning, only full of new opportunities. You have the right to do that for yourself. To live the life you want, to work towards the career you desire.

May sound stupid but what helps me sometimes with life transitions and learning to let go is to create my own rituals. Like dedicating a moment or do something specific with the purpose or really letting go of something or someone. Generally, people who do that will write down their thoughts on a piece of paper then burn it or throw it away, for example. Or you can literally let go of an objects that’s a reminder of the person.

I’m personally really bad at dealing with changes and letting go of people I love. Generally because I’m the one that people leave. Just like you, I had my share of situations when my mind would know what is right, but my heart would feel differently. It’s objectively hard to let go. In these moments, we feel very vulnerable. So it’s okay to acknowledge that and take your time to make the decisions you want. This pain that you feel right now will take a different shape, progressively. In any case, you have the right to let him go. And you have the right to bloom and shine. :heart:

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Yes its extremely difficult to let people go…and its like you want to keep trying to fix things beyond repair. I don’t want to make new memories in the places that we shared. I just want to look at those places as our spots. I don’t want to create a new view of this city that I’m in for myself because honestly there’s nothing left for me here. I think I’ve been here for him, hoping things would work and waiting for us to start a life together. I still have a sweatshirt that was his and a dish set he bought me for my first apartment. I don’t want to give these things away. It might be a clingy thing but I don’t want to. Its a mix of days. Some days I want to talk to him bad…other days I’m glad I’m not.

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I don’t want to make new memories in the places that we shared. I just want to look at those places as our spots. I don’t want to create a new view of this city that I’m in for myself because honestly there’s nothing left for me here.

^^^^ This is really powerful, @Rosethorn. You’re aware of what you don’t want. It’s really good to have this sense of clarity despite the confusing feeling that you are facing. Really. It gives you a direction. And in my humble opinion, it sounds like a way to say “I am trying to put this where it belongs: in the past”.

Your heart is speaking, you’re in tune with it, and that’s an incredible strength. I just wanted to emphasize that. And again, thank you for sharing this. I respect your honesty and trust here.

I still have a sweatshirt that was his and a dish set he bought me for my first apartment. I don’t want to give these things away. It might be a clingy thing but I don’t want to.

Not clingy at all, this makes totally sense you know. After the disappearance of someone in my family, a person who was really dear to my heart, the question of “what are we doing with his personal objects” was a very important one. People process and grieve differently, at different paces. For some, it’s important to keep personal objects, or at least for a certain time. For others, there’s no attachement to personal belongings. But in both cases: it’s okay. There’s no judgment to have, no blame or shame. If keeping this dish set and sweatshirt means something to you right now, then so be it. You don’t have to get rid of it. You’ll see how you’ll feel about it with time and make your own decisions. :heart:

Its a mix of days. Some days I want to talk to him bad…other days I’m glad I’m not.

Yea… ups and downs. Sometimes your mind is stronger, sometimes it’s your heart. I guess you can expect to feel this for a certain time. But you have some deep anchors to hang on to. Such as those things you don’t want.

You’re in a transition between two seasons of your life. Giving yourself the time and compassion you need is very important. That’s what you are doing, friend. I hear that it’s not easy. Love has its painful sides… But this is a new beginning in your life. You will be okay. :heart: