I’m in this rut from my past that happens every year. November is the month that my dad sexually abused me and the day that it happened is coming up and it’s hard for me to not think of that. Days that lead up to it I have night terrors like I’ve never had before my body goes numb from any personal interaction from anyone my anxiety goes on high alert and I don’t know how to move on. I’ve talked to many people about this and nothing seems to work. I feel like I’m broken because I can’t move on from this. On top of that date my bio mom is trying to contact me and is trying to have a relationship with me and I don’t want to have one with her. I feel horrible I feel like I can’t be me during this time. I’m really depressed and I just want to be alone and try and sleep. I feel like I want to sleep and never wake up so I don’t have to deal with the pain that comes during these times. It’s also the first time in a long time that I’m alone so I don’t really have anyone to be with me to hold me up and get me through it. I’ve had so many emotional breakdowns that I just feel so drained and ready to give up. I just can’t handle this pain and suffering anymore.
I can’t imagine the pain you must continue to go through, and I want you to recognize that I see the immense strength you have to be able to talk about this and acknowledge that you need help. I can’t force you to believe this, but you have value and no one could have or can take that from you, regardless of what it may feel like. You are worthy of being loved, and a big step towards trying to feel that for yourself is that there is room for you to make small steps to feel less broken. Anxiety is a real challenge, but there are mental techniques where you can avoid catastrophizing/envisioning things worse than they are. I don’t have all the answers, but at the very least, the way you talk about this rut happening at this time of year says there will be the future where you are also allowed to feel whole and better, or at least differently.
I believe in the you that has the ability to create the change you want to make. I believe in the you that has value that you don’t need other people to validate, because it’s within you.