I just wanted to talk about something that had bugged me for a long time and it has become problematic for me lately and I am starting to notice more and more. This might be a bit of a longer post because I dont know where my thread of thought will lead me. Sorry if this is a bit chaotic.
It is so hard to enjoy things and to just do things, even those I enjoy. Today I went to see Dune and alto my mind knew the movie was great and I was seriously impressed… i just did not feel it. I felt tired. It felt hard to watch at times. The same happened to me playing DnD. I no longer enjoy it and when I do it usually is short term and it takes effort. Sometimes something breaks this rule but not for long. Everything becomes bland, boring and struggle. I am trying to feel good but even when I manage to do so the fall is much worse after that. And that is just the things I should enjoy.
Every day is a struggle and not like it is a fight more like… like I am slowly bleeding out bit by bit drop by drop. I feel weak. I feel like i am the butt of a joke. Like I am tying to find meaning in a place that never had one. Like I am trying to find happiness but I cant and shouldnt achieve it. Life is suffering and I am tired. There is no point to it. I am trying to find reasons to go on while the world keeps giving me reasons to give up. Even my own brain is against me. I am not afraid of dying. Death sometimes seems so peaceful.
People say that you should not seek death because it eliminates the possibility of things getting good. But tell me this. If you saw a guy spending money in casino and you told him to stop and he told you that if he stops he loses all that money but if he keeps at it he might win them back would you think he is being reasonable? I feel like that guy. Like I am playing a loosing game for a chance that maybe I will start winning one day. I feel like a fool. Like my believe in better and kind life is like believing in fairies.
I am so tired. I keep myself active but the reward is so small. Why is life preferable to death? Why? So i keep playing this game that was rigged from the start. Numbness.That is just the way i feel. How to be happy with a mind that seeks suffering. How to be kind when I am such a selfish animal. How to be right when there are so many lies around that I cant see the trust. How can I trust my hearth when it is so flawed. How can i find solice in a world of suffering?