Painful Late Rumbling

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Hi everyone.
I just wanted to talk about something that had bugged me for a long time and it has become problematic for me lately and I am starting to notice more and more. This might be a bit of a longer post because I dont know where my thread of thought will lead me. Sorry if this is a bit chaotic.

It is so hard to enjoy things and to just do things, even those I enjoy. Today I went to see Dune and alto my mind knew the movie was great and I was seriously impressed… i just did not feel it. I felt tired. It felt hard to watch at times. The same happened to me playing DnD. I no longer enjoy it and when I do it usually is short term and it takes effort. Sometimes something breaks this rule but not for long. Everything becomes bland, boring and struggle. I am trying to feel good but even when I manage to do so the fall is much worse after that. And that is just the things I should enjoy.

Every day is a struggle and not like it is a fight more like… like I am slowly bleeding out bit by bit drop by drop. I feel weak. I feel like i am the butt of a joke. Like I am tying to find meaning in a place that never had one. Like I am trying to find happiness but I cant and shouldnt achieve it. Life is suffering and I am tired. There is no point to it. I am trying to find reasons to go on while the world keeps giving me reasons to give up. Even my own brain is against me. I am not afraid of dying. Death sometimes seems so peaceful.

People say that you should not seek death because it eliminates the possibility of things getting good. But tell me this. If you saw a guy spending money in casino and you told him to stop and he told you that if he stops he loses all that money but if he keeps at it he might win them back would you think he is being reasonable? I feel like that guy. Like I am playing a loosing game for a chance that maybe I will start winning one day. I feel like a fool. Like my believe in better and kind life is like believing in fairies.

I am so tired. I keep myself active but the reward is so small. Why is life preferable to death? Why? So i keep playing this game that was rigged from the start. Numbness.That is just the way i feel. How to be happy with a mind that seeks suffering. How to be kind when I am such a selfish animal. How to be right when there are so many lies around that I cant see the trust. How can I trust my hearth when it is so flawed. How can i find solice in a world of suffering?

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this was an incredibly well written post. I love the casino analogy.
You asked a lot of reaaally ggood questions, questions that I think are essential to anyone, in any state of being, who ponders what is life, what is living, what is the purpose of it all.

how do you seek suffering?

I have seen you be absolutely loving and helpful here, my comments are usually before or after yours, and I’m sure we’ve shared a ton of hearts at each other’s posts :smiley:
You may indeed be the world’s most selfish person in other matters, but you have been selfless and supportive and awesome here. Hence the logic shows that you are not a selfish animal. Hence it is a trick your brain is playing on you to make you hate yourself more.

Friendship, art, nature, gaming, communities online, real life bonding and relationships, spiritual pursuits or atheist discourses. It can be overwhelming when we look at all the bas in the world. But I come from Kit’s stream, and I believe wheat he does - that you can make the world better in some way, for yourself, for your loved ones, for those you connect with.

Focus on the tiniest thing you can do to make the world better for the next minute. Know how you can change the world in one minute? Let’s try this!:

Do some deep breaths. Thank the trees for making the air, try alternate nostril breathing if you’re able to, or just close your eyes and breathe until your lungs cant take anymore. then let it out slowly and steadily. You just did something nice for yourself. You just listened to me and that made me happy. That’s two lives affected positively by a decision you just took and your actions.

Might sound silly, but those little moments add up into a five minutes of making the world better or not-worse. That’s how you shape the world you want. That’s what I believe at least! Hope it makes sense. I think I’m babbling a bit!

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Cheeky :wink:

My mind does. I see something on the internet or somebody says something and I just feel so much worse. It is like when it comes to seeing the bad my mind has no filter.

Thank you Sita. :slightly_smiling_face: I appretiate it. I just think that there are ways I can be very selfish like me trying to killmyself despite the fact that it would hurt others. Sometimes it seems like I cant be the good guy. Like no matter how hard I try I will always be the villain in someones eyes.

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But you come here, and you talk to us, and you let us support you. Even then, you know that there are others who love you and will be hurt. Even in the deepest of your pain, you still think of the others, you stilll reach out. I really mean it, even when you’re thinking of ending it, I’m so grateful and happy that you come here and talk to us. You’re a good guy to us, and we’re not not gonna change our minds about that, no matter what you do, okay?

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I just wanna hug you :hugs:

Takes courage to share and be open! Well done. When you think of a tree - it dries out when it’s not nourished with water and sunlight. I believe we are very similar to trees.
I usually ask myself " Am I watering myself sufficiently?" Am I resting enough? Am I resisting? Like watching the leaves fall in autumn, the tree easily let’s go of what takes too much energy. Now the trees are sending energy into other vital areas and dropping leaves to get ready for winter.

Humans also have a ‘winter’. Flowing with the seasons can be a good lesson from nature. The trees appear ‘dead’ in winter. But they are very alive and conserving their energy and nutrients internally. Winter is a time for internal acceptance. Internal reflection. Not trying to force an exciting fun movie like “it used to be”. No forcing. Just acceptance. Plenty of mindfulness and attention to your body. Give attention to your body itself, and thank it for carrying you around. Feed it, and nurture it. Exercise it, the more you get grounded in your body, the less you will be “in your head”. It’s true you’re an animal, we’re all mammals. That’s why we can feel so lost in our minds sometimes. Seeking the balance of mind, body and spirit is the tightrope we’re all walking. To achieve wellness, fullness, healing and happy life.

I took out a Pilates book from the library and started learning the moves. Strengthening the core, breathing, balance, control and focus. It has been VERY helpful to get into my body and feel grounded and in control. Our body is a vehicle and we can’t finance a new one. This is it. We appreciate it and nurture it. Get in tune with what it needs.

We are complex creatures! And often life feels like a struggle against yourself. I understand that very much.

You are loved very much and a precious and valuable member of our human family !! :heart: :heart:

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That’s a familar feeling to me. And, seeing from the outside, applied to you saying it right now, I can see how unfair it is as well. By saying this, you are invalidating your pain. You are invalidating how it affects you. And… I get it. I find ways to diminish my own struggles constantly, probably because I didn’t grow up in an environment where I could be heard and helped. Calling myself selfish and a burden is one of them. I don’t want to make anyone I love sad, in any way.

Whhen you say that you are selfish by having suicidal thoughts, you are 1/ actually sharing how much you care about people and who love you; and 2/ you are dismissing everything that you have done and keep doing in order to work on these dark thoughts, on your depression, and on that affect you almost daily. To be fair to yourself, you will also need to paint the picture as a whole, and not just what would validate what you believe about yourself at the moment.

You are not just the times you’ve tried to hurt yourself or wanted to. You are SO much more.

I will be selfish myself, and say that I certainly don’t want to lose you, now that I’ve had the privilege to know you better. And I am so freaking proud of you. For being here. For not giving up. For trying, still. for being you.

We will get through this. :hrtlegolove: :hrtlovefist:

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Thank you Micro. Thank you for your kind and supportive words. My mind can be a big mess sometimes. I am tired. I honestly feel tired most of the time. There is a lot that I need to do today. Fuck me. Why do I do this to myself. I just don’t have the will or the energy. Ahhhh

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Just had to cancel a gym with my friend cause of a thing i have to do. I feel terrible because i have dissapointed him. He said it is fine but i could tell he was dissapointed. There are things to do and i just dont have the energy.

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Hey, it’s okay @Ashwell. Not everyday can be a good day, and things that go in the way of an activity that was planned also happen.

Be kind to yourself. Your heart needs it today. :hrtlegolove:

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I wanted to reply to this so bad last night, but I couldn’t find the words. I tried. I wish I could swoop you up and take away all your pain. That’s what I wish for you. I wish I could give you answers, but I can’t even find them for myself.

So, I’m sending a great big hug. :hrtlegolove:

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@Micro @Mystrose
Thank you both for your replies. I want you both to have a nice day. :slightly_smiling_face:

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