Painful (tw)

TW for SH, death, coronavirus, swearing

I haven’t posted here in a while, i thought I was fine and then i got coronavirus. I had been feeling awful before then and felt a breakdown coming on sometime soon, i dunno if anyone can relate but sometimes you just feel something rearing its head

well i couldnt sleep one night because i was in so much pain and had a total meltdown. a family member of mine was in hospital with leukemia and we couldnt be there for him, he died a day or 2 later. i’ve been totally fucked up because of it and even had to call samaritans one night. i also started cutting. i’ve never harmed myself with a blade before, but ive been so distressed
last time i did it was a minute ago, i saw my ex best friends page and got so angry that he has a better life than me after totally backstabbing me
i feel like shit


Hi Deville
Thank you for your Post, I am glad you have written as you are clearly having a hard time at the moment.
I am sorry you are feeling so bad, you have been through a lot in a short time so its understandable that things might be getting on top of you and yes I understand that feeling of something rearing its head, its a fearful time as you know something is coming, you just don’t know how bad its going to be or how long its going to stay.
So you have had personal sickness and a death in the family at a awful time when people were unable to visit loved ones? I am so so sorry that your family member passed away and I’m also so sorry all this has happened to you. It is a lot for a person to take on and I am glad you called the Samaritans.
Have you spoken to anyone else about how you feel? could you speak to other members of your family?
You mention that you haven’t used blades before which makes me think may have self harmed in other ways before? have you seen anyone in the past regarding this??
I really think you could do with talking to someone to help manage how you are feeling, to talk about having had coronavirus which is a big thing in itself and of course grieving your family member and how you are feeling about it all. I think maybe the anger you feel is based on that too and would also be helped if you could talk.
I know it takes time and its not a quick fix, it can take a while but its worth it. you don’t want to feel like this and I don’t want you to feel like this and I don’t want you to keep hurting yourself either.
Please speak to your Doctor or health care worker if you have one.
Also please stay in contact here, I would like to know how you are.
Much Love
Lisa :heart:


Hey @DeVille,

It’s good to see you. :hrtlegolove:

This feeling of knowing that a breakdown is about to happen is definitely something I can relate to. We all have different kind of warning signs, and I tend to be aware of mine as well. It makes it easier to know when I need to step back a little and make sure to take it easy, but it’s still so frustrating, if not defeating, to go through that kind of experience.

All the things you’ve had to deal with are for sure very valid reasons to feel how you feel. I’m so very sorry for your loss, DeVille. It’s so brutal and unfair. Losing someone so suddenly really shakes our own world and everything that we are, to our core. No one would ever blame you for feeling overwhelmed and as if your emotions tend to be all over the place. You’re trying to process and cope things that were brutal and unexpected. No one is prepared for this. However, you’ve been making some really good decisions by calling the samaritans. You don’t deserve to stay alone with your pain and burdens, especially when those are so heavy.

Well done as well for reaching out here and talking about what’s going on. How would you feel about the possibility to take a break from social medias (when we struggle, we don’t need to see the illusion of perfect life of others)? And about throwing your blade(s) away as a first step? The cycle can be broken down, bits by bits. You don’t deserve to keep sliding into it. :hrtlegolove:

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my mum only ever said “are u ok” and if i say no she just shrugs and walks off
i have nobody else to talk to about it. i have online friends but its not really the same

yes i’ve punched and smacked myself in the head before, yes i’ve tried to bring this up to past therapists, no they did nothing

my therapist never speaks to me and my doctor cant do anything about it. i feel really helpless

a break from social media might be nice, but i literally have no friends in real life and my only income is art online
usually id add more to my messages but i really am just kinda speechless right now


Hey buddy,
Others have given some good advice, I just wanted to jump on and say if you’re in the UK (I’m just assuming from you saying Samaritans) there are free mental health groups depending on your age you can go to. They’re sometimes a good way to meet people who “get it” in real life and make friends


yeah im in the uk but im really afraid to leave the house

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