Thank you so much for reaching out and sharing your experience here. I imagine how draining this series of events was for you, and I hope you’ve managed to get some rest since it happened.
You described really well how sometimes an event can put us into a very negative spiral in which everything feels out of control. Suddenly, it feels as if no matter which move we make, it would have a negative outcome. A little bit like walking on eggshells while having some deep feeligns inside of us that need to be put somewhere so we can relax a little bit.
Your anxiety played a role in the beginning of the situation for sure, and it’s understandable. Meetings in general are quite stressful, especially if there are important outcomes to us. However, I’m wondering if what happened afterwards was only the result of your anxiety. There was an argument with your husband, and it sounds to me that being in a confrontational situation (with all the feelings it involved) was quite triggering to you. Have you ever been in situations of arguments/confrontations like that before that made you feel really distressed?
I’m asking this because the situation you’ve described and how you’ve reacted is very relatable to me personally. I can literally feel how much you would have wanted to just go away from everything and everyone and hide, while really you needed a giant and reassuring hug at the time. I’m personally very easily distressed and panicked by arguments of any kind. Whenever my partner would have been upset, even for reasons that are not related to me, I’d start to feel even more anxious, uncomfortable, vulnerable, and as you said to really feel shaken in my core. The most logical reason for me is because as a child I’ve witnessed situations of violence and abuse that made me feel the same way. It’s like an old fear imprinted in my body and mind, and seeing someone upset or arguing brings me back to this old yet very present vulnerability. As a result, I would cry easily (and feel upset for that), I’d feel guilty, like I’m too much, a failure, a burden. All of these thoughts and feelings would happen in a short time, in a very intense way.
I don’t know if any of this would resonate with your heart too. Though maybe there would be something interesting for you to dig in, not just regarding your anxiety, but also maybe some kind of fear of conflict/confrontation. It seemed to have triggered some insecurity in you, which is worth to be understood so you can, in the future, make sure to take care of yourself at the moment. For me, for example, it has been to literally tell myself out loud: “I am safe. I don’t control how I feel right now but I’m going to feel better soon. I need to let it pass”. I pictured once that it was my inner child revealing itself, so I tried my best to care for myself as I would do with a scared 7-8 yrs old me, if that makes sense.
Hope this helps a little bit and is not too off-topic. In any case, you’re not alone, friend. And you are certainly not weird or guilty for having strong emotions sometimes. We all have our own insecurities that are deeply rooted. Sometimes it manifests itself pretty violently.
With time and a better understanding of our own limits though, we can learn to react in ways that are not damaging and aim for soothing ourselves when we need it the most.