Paranoia that my wife is cheating

HeartSupport Support
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So, let me begin by saying that generally, our relationship seems (on my end) quite solid, we live together and have been married for almost a year. we have known each other for nearly 10 years.

Recently I have been feeling like things have been a little distant, she has been staying up much later, not coming to bed until I wake up for work etc.

I let my paranoia and curiosity get the better of me and I logged into her twitter account to check her messages, my heart sank with what I found.

She has been messaging a transgender MTF (Just for context, it doesn’t matter if they were or were not transgender)

The messages between them both generally seem quite platonic, though as I kept reading, they had been exchanging explicit pictures with lines of things like “I would love to suck that” “Finish on my …” etc, It’s likely they would never meet, this person seems to be from Russia.

I don’t want to access her other social media and messaging platforms, I dread to think if i’d find something else?

I don’t know what to do here, my work life is generally already quite stressful and this has overloaded me to the point where my chest is tight, I feel like I might explode.

I need to deal with this rationally but I don’t know how, I don’t know what to think, is this essentially cheating? should I approach her about this and if so how would I approach the conversation? I highly doubt “I logged into your twitter and saw the messages” will go over well.

I feel like i’m now starting on a path that’s going to lead to something very bad for my health, I can’t focus at work, I can’t sleep properly knowing what she may be doing while i’m in bed.

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Hello Manchester,

Ill start by saying Welcome to Heart Support. Thank you for sharing your difficulties. I’m sorry to hear about this development in your marriage.

My advice:

As hard as it is to confront the people we love, I believe it would be in the best interest of the relationship as a whole to talk to your wife about this, if for nothing else, then because the trust in your relationship is dwindling. Once trust is gone, its hard to earn back and your relationship will likely remain unstable.

I must admit I’m not quite sure how I would approach the Twitter messages. You could go with the band aid removal method where you just come out with it, which will suck but it would allow you to have presentable evidence that your wife can’t deny or dance around.

Otherwise, you could express to her that you’ve noticed some undesirable behavior and it is causing you to worry about the state of the relationship and its stability.

Either way, it is important to address these issues early so that you aren’t spending potentially years being unhappy. Splitting up or getting marriage counseling are plausible routes to take depending on what your deal breakers are in the relationship.

Best of luck to you - do keep us updated if you choose.

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Hello @ManchesterMan

Welcome to Heart Support and thank you for trusting us with your story.

I was married for almost 18yrs and while I never had to deal with infidelity, I did have to deal with hard talks. I agree with everything @Sapphire replied with and really encourage you to talk to your wife about what you’ve found. If you’re worried about her being upset that you looked at her phone out of concern, then remind her what compelled you to look.

I’m sorry that you’re going thru this and I hope that things go well for you.

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ManchesterMan,

Brutal…agonizing. It’s no wonder why you feel like your chest is tight and your vision is tunneling - it is like your life is caving in on top of you. Work stress already has you buried, and it feels like someone chucked a boulder on top of all that stress, and you’re underneath it all. You don’t know how much longer you can carry this.

Honestly, friend, if I were in your shoes, I wouldn’t be able to take it. There is absolutely something soul-crushing about keeping this inside of you and not talking about it.

Fuck getting the conversation “right”, it just needs to get out of your head.

I could go on, but I feel that would dilute the point: talk to her about it. Today, tonight, right now if you can. The very next opportunity, talk about it. It will be messy, but you can’t go on like THIS, so, as Sapphire said, rip the bandaid off, and get this out into the light.

-nate

PS → afterward, know that you can come back here and talk to us about it. Don’t feel like you’ll have to be alone carrying the weight afterwards. We’d be happy to listen / support.

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From: ManekiNeko

welcome to heart support, thank you for sharing with us such a deep and hard topic. I’m really sorry things have spiralled to this extent. It’s hard when this distance starts growing in a relationship.

my feelings resonate with everyone’s feelings of having that open and honest conversation. What that looks like and how that begins could be difficult, but hiding things in the dark won’t make the connection any better. You’re both then hiding something from each other.

would your desired outcome look like? Do you want a resolve or do you want this chapter to close? Either way do you feel like having an outside counsellor to talk you both through this would help? Someone to mediate should things get explosive.


we hope that we can support you and make you feel welcome to share when you need to. Again thank you for being so open here.

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From: Mamadien

ManchasterMan, Welcome to Heart Support. I’m so sorry to hear that you are here because of the difficulty in your marriage. Feeling the distance build and then feeling the lost of trust in your partner is so very painful. My friend, please don’t ignore those feelings and wait to see what happens. You two need to talk about this. Start by telling her you’ve noticed the distance growing between the two of you and listen. Hear what she says and tell her how you are feeling. it’s going to be hard, but you need to have the conversation. At this point, for you trust has been lost (on both sides) and it’s only going to feel worse for you the longer you don’t talk about it. Are you willing to go to couples counseling with her? Are you wanting to work through this with her? You may need outside help to work through what has happened and to rebuild trust. It’ll take time and you will both need to find a way to be accountable to each other if you are to work through this. But the first step is having that initial conversation. On a side note, since this person she is sexting with is from out of the country, could there be an issue with safety / black mail for her? I’m so sorry that you are having to deal with this. It’s painful and it really does make you just ache inside. Please don’t let it build up inside.

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From: Rohini_868

this is such a difficult situation, and it’s not going to be easy to decide what’s the best way to address it going forward. At the heart of it, I think you should have a heart to heart with her, not about the sexting, but about the changes you’ve felt and seen in her in recent times. Maybe take her out to date night, or do an activity that you used to do as a couple. See how it goes when you try to reconnect.

We can’t know what the reality of their conersation or relationship is unless she tells you. It can be a person looking for validation for her body and your wife is supporting her, who knows? Focus on having a conversation about you two - your boundaries and expectations of each other. Check in with her emotionally - you’e been stressed with work, has she also been stressed? Make time and see what’s going on.

A totally different point to mention is the possibility of a scammer talking to her, and trying to get explicit pictures from your wife to then blackmail her. This sort of scam is common, and devastating. If this is the case, she will need support. These types of scammers can be very scary and demand payment or they’ll leak photos, etc. I don’t know if this is the case, but please bear it in mind as a possibility, and she is a victim of a scam with professional criminals who know how to trap and scare a victim into complying.

A marriage counselor may be provide a safe place for you both to explore the issues in the marriage, and be able to hae this difficult talk that needs to happen. I’m so sorry that this is happening. Please do come back and share if you need to.

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Hello @ManchesterMan , welcome to HeartSupport and thank you for trusting us and opening up about such a sensitive topic. You are very brave. :hrtlegolove:

That is such a rough situation to be in… no wonder you feel so stressed and have a pit in your stomach, horrible. I am so sorry you ended up in such a dilemma. But no matter how, it is important to have a conversation with your wife. An open and honest talk about everything. How you approach this is your choice, for example start a conversation by asking her what changed in your relationship, why is she being so distant. Maybe you have also been very stressed and distant without noticing it (I am not trying to blame you, this is not the point, but finding out the reason). There are always reasons for a change in our behaviour as humans. You could wait and see how she reacts, or later mention that you came across her messages and are unsure how to take them. It is helpful in this not to talk in “you-sentences” and blaming her. But instead talk about yourself, how does her behaviour make you feel, what kind of change would you wish in the relationship? How do you imagine the future of the two of you together? What would make you both happy together? Another idea might also be seeking out a couple’s counsellor together to maybe deal with underlying issues in the relationship. I really hope it goes well and wish you all the best possible. If you feel like it, feel free to write more posts about how it went.

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