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Paranoid about ex dying / bipolar disorder

both my ex and i are bipolar.
we are very close and have been seeing each other on and off for years.
one of my biggest fears is that if he doesn’t reply to be; he’s dead or in a bad situation. I also get extremely angry when he doesn’t reply because it makes me scared and feel abandoned. I told him i can no longer speak to him unless its an emergency because this fear is incredibly debiliating and i need to let go of it. but I’m still so worried; even though i need to let go. hes probably in jail or lost his phone but its been longer than usual (usually hell reply the next morning if he can’t right away and it’s been an entire day) so i feel really uneasy; i know i shouldn’t care that much and that i need to get it off my mind but its just so hard to not think about. I’m so angry frustrated and worried and it makes me suicidal. the thought process is, if i KMS before i find out hes dead it will save me the immense suffering. I also have no way of coping besides smoking weed, and my medication has been not working and is giving me weird symptoms so I just feel very strange and worried. Please , if you go through this I would love to hear what other people have to say so i don’t feel so alone.

edit: also my text didn’t send through so either im blocked or his phone is dead, and i doubt he would block me b/c hes not that kind of person

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Hey there @Rosesarered,

I’m really sorry to hear that you’ve been going through this immensely stressful and painful experience. I think I can empathize with some parts of what you’re going through, because my anxiety and depression has caused me to believe that my friends and loved ones don’t want me anymore or just aren’t replying for some terrible reason I made up in my mind. I’m not saying that’s the case for you, but I wonder if some of that is also going on? Has he responded in the last day or so (want to make sure he’s okay)? I also wanted to ask, and I know it’s heartbreaking and painful, if some space may be necessary for both of you, since you call him your ex, but it is clear that you guys are still chatting with each other as though dating? I imagine it is more difficult and complicated than how I’m understanding it, so I don’t mean to simplify the situation.

However, If the relationship is causing suicide ideation in any way, I worry that dependency may be at play, and I encourage you to reach out to emergency help right away. Whether it’s the hospital, your doctor, or a clinic, please consider these options.

With regards to the bipolar disorder, I really encourage you to go to your doctor/therapist who prescribed you the medications and chat with them about how they haven’t been working/if there are other options for you? It may be a good idea to mention that you smoke marijuana as well, just so they know what meds would work/not work with the weed?

I sincerely hope that this didn’t come off condescending or judgemental in any way! These are just some thoughts and suggestions, and please know that we are here to love on you, and support you through this journey. But please, I encourage you to seek help if you feel like you will hurt yourself. We need you here, alive and well. :purple_heart:

Sending all the love and hope,
Alex

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Hi Alex,
Thank you so much for your reply. I was able to get in contact with him, he was not doing so well either.
As for the weed/ medication interactions , thats definately something I’m aware of. I mainly smoke CBD with small amounts of thc / tobacco added in, and not that often. I began taking abilify again recently (ontop of regular meds), so thats what i was talking about (I began to get a side effect that says online to seek medical help immediantly for so i began to freak out a bit). Will not be taking abilify again until I consult with my psychatrist.
You are not coming off judgemental at all! It really means a lot to me that you left such a thoughtful reply when i was going through a really hard time the other day (it feels like ages ago now, thats how different the state I’m in currently is). Thank you so much! Look forward to chatting on other posts :slight_smile:

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Hey @Rosesarered! It’s so good to hear from you! I’m glad to know that you’re totally on top of the meds/weed stuff! Sounds like a plan until you next see your psychiatrist. Thank you so much for updating us and it’s excellent to know that it’s been much better as of late. <3
I totally understand what you mean; I’ve also had instances where I write something on HS and the next day, I feel completely different and can handle the situation better in some way! See you on the forum. :relaxed:

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