Passive Suicide

Good day, evening or night. I hoped to have caught your eye on a good note, hoping I used “on a good note” in the correct context like “on a good day”. Rambling I know I excell at, I’ve always been great at beating around the bush, never really addressing what it is I want or desire from my surrounding fellow beings.

I just feel so alone, I’ve admitted myself into a substance abuse program, I’m as of this day I’m 92 days sober from marijuana and alcohol. I’ve graduated from my PHP and residential, I currently work at a fast food service and am living in a sober living community.

All my life it seems I’ve been wanting to be loved or atleast feel like someone, somewhere loves me or appreciates my “light” in their life. I’ve always been the kind of guy that stated my feelings or adoration for someone in mine. “You’re a great guy, I thank the universe you’ve been placed in my life.”, “You’re a brilliant woman, I’m looking forward to learning alot from you.” and even “I Love You.” I was always under the notion that “what you put in, you’ll reap the fruits thereof.” I care so much but feel as if codependency, maybe?, has somehow manifested a whole new level of a personal hell created from my own design. It’s insanity and heartbreaking pain that this was never my intention and I dont know how I’m sitting here in my apartment typing with a heavy set weight of agony on the very foundations of my being.

I think about death alot… but know I have not the weakness in me to off myself, I do ask the universe to put that drunk driver on my side of the road, to put that tree crushing weight on top of me, lightning or some unprecedented tragedy against me. I feel myself smothered under the weight of this shame, I put too much of me out in the world, I shouldn’t be such a nice guy, I should’ve just stayed in my hometown, why am I this way? Why can’t I be as I’ve been taught, beaten into submission to believe as a child, nobody in the world cares about you or your feelings C, so why do you care so much for theirs?

I hope I’m making sense, in our community groups, here in this IOP portion of my recovery, I get pushed into opening up about certain topics and when I do, make me feel as if what I struggle to convey doesnt suffice or measure up to an adequate answer. “You’re too eloquent”, “You’re not being real”, all I want is to Love and be loved…

I have a significant other I’ve been seeing for a little under 2 months, I’ve been take her places that she’s never seen or places that took my breath away for a sec and the effect isnt much far from a criticism, “Oh they got better parks, buildings, views, rainy evening drives, better people and conversations in my hometown.” I feel like I guess what wows me is just a watered down euphoria compared to anything else, everyone else has already seen or done…

Apologies if I was not successful at all trying to paint this picture or if I’m not conveying my thoughts and feelings clearly. But if I am and you hear me… thank you!.. One of the Greatest Gifts anyone can give to another person is Understanding… and I appreciate it so…

Truly Yours, C

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For two years of my life I went through something similar to this almost every single day. Nothing I did was ever good enough. People said they loved me but I didn’t care. I should have been doing 7th and 8th grade homeschool but I was slumped in a recliner watching the History Channel. I did not view myself as a Good Person or even an acceptable one. I was in a downward spiral of addiction and shame.

I am highly resistant to psychiatric medications. During these two years my psychiatrist was frantically switching my medications, trying to get one to stick. Eventually one did. Soon the downward spiral became more shallow. I began to think of myself as worthy to be a human being. Everything wasn’t fixed but I now had something to stand on as I started to clear the rubble. I started rebuilding myself.

If what this article describes, go to a psychiatrist change your psychiatric medications. If you aren’t on psychiatric meds, get on them. If you’re worried about addictions coming back, avoid dopamine and if you need dopamine meds try pairing them with lithium. I find the lithium gives me back my self control. It might be different for you. The point of psych meds isn’t to make you happy all the time. Their point is to give you something to stand on so you can clear the rubble, stop the downward spiral, and be able to become someone you like.

I hope I’m understanding you. I also really really hope you find your way to happiness, this is what helped me.

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Dear C

Im have been struggling with the same shit too, I do feel hurt by love and there time I wish that my life would end. However, I know we all struggle with though of death, but I do feel that there is another side to this life. Alan watts did say that have take a good with bad. Becuase without the bad there wouldnt be no good. But Im happy that post this on here.

Unfortunately, got the new today that someone I was know have taken his own life. According to my sister he was successful Lawyer and with lovely wife.But however he never told anyone about his depression and anxiety. It break my heart that he could have talk to someone and maybe if someone did listen, he would still be here.

So it very important to talk about these issues and Im glad we have this site to just let it all out. At the end of day we help each other out and that the most important. Stay strong my friend and dont be adfaid to let it out.

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