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Pay rent or food, either way I and lost and hopeless

I am on Canada Disability Pension Plan and I was on Disability, but no longer. I am at the point of choosing to pay rent or eat. I eat a good meat once maybe every 3 days, I an lost, hopeless, no future of jobs yet. The world is coming down on me slowly, crushing me. I have no hope to go one. I have no friends, no visits, no texts, no phone calls, no one comes over. I am utterly alone. I see myself being evicted just after the new year. Also with the Holiday coming up and with my Mom passing away leaves a void in my life. Between paying rent or eating, no job, no friends, I feel that people don’t want me anymore and the world also.
I do have pans on leaving this planet early next yer because I see no hope. I can’t got on like this, I want to die and I will try to do so.
Some days I have to deal with anxiety, ptsd, depression, dreams of being abused and suicide. I want out, and the sooner the better. I do have a plan. I wish I had a job I enjoyed and some friends, that is a start to lift me out of all this, but alas there is not. I have not slept in over 21 hours. I need help with some thing to get me on my feet, a job, friends is a good start. They say third time is a charm, I should test that out. So I sit here abusing my anxiety meds.

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Dear @BlackWulf777,

That’s a lot to deal with, and I’m really sorry to hear that you’ve been having such a hard time lately. I really appreciate you for being so honest about your situation and how you feel - it’s a first step, and a needed one. Thank you so much for being here. :heart:

It sounds that, right now, you’re facing multiple struggles at once and you might need to set priorites in order to give yourself some perspective for the future. As I hear finances are a problem and it’s affecting what you eat, do you know :
1/ If there are other financial aids you’d have the right to access to (not only for disability, but maybe your rent, or unemployement, etc.)? If you don’t know, eventually are you services in your area that could provide you those informations?
2/ Is a food bank something you could access to as to give you a temporary relief while you’re looking for a job?

Also with the Holiday coming up and with my Mom passing away leaves a void in my life. Between paying rent or eating, no job, no friends, I feel that people don’t want me anymore and the world also.

I understand why you might feel that way, and I’m so very sorry for the loss of your mom. It is so hard to deal with a loss, especially during holidays. I’ve been trying to handle the void that some family members left after they disappear, yet holidays and Christmas celebrations obviously bring their share of painful reminders. My heart goes out to you friend. Though as much as this is painful, please know that your social situation, the fact that you have a job or not, doesn’t say anything about your worth or your existence in this world. You make a difference by being here, by being you, even if it seems less obvious as you feel less part of this world. Being unemployed shaked my world too, and sometimes it makes me believe awful things about myself. But you are here, friend. You are alive, you are seen, you’re existing. You are not out of this world or this life. :hrtlegolove:

I do have pans on leaving this planet early next yer because I see no hope. I can’t got on like this, I want to die and I will try to do so.

Would you like to talk about it? I believe it’s important not to stay alone with those thoughts. But also, know that I’m not pressuring you to share if you don’t want to.

Some days I have to deal with anxiety, ptsd, depression, dreams of being abused and suicide.

Unfortunately, I relate to those things as well, and I wish you didn’t have to deal with all of this. As I imagine you’ve been dealing with this for a certain time now, did you notice things that were helpful to you? Whether it’s for your sleep, your anxiety and depression, your physical/emotional energy on a daily basis. It might be good to try to focus on what’s helpful and eventually seek ways to take care of yourself. Just to improve your “self-care” toolbox at your own pace.

I wish I had a job I enjoyed and some friends, that is a start to lift me out of all this, but alas there is not.

Well, for what it’s worth, you have friends right here. :hrtlegolove: Though I know it’s not the same as seeing someone physically and spending time with them. But again, one thing at a time. Your basic needs and your well-being are a priority. Finding a job as well it will open new doors to you. And even if it’s not successful immediately, it can give you a goal to move towards. Have you started to look after something already/how do you feel about it?

I hope you’ll manage to rest today, as it sounds that you’ve been lacking of sleep lately. Even just doing something calm while lying down is a way to help your body to get some rest.

You are loved, Blackwulf. The situation is difficult as you have to deal with multiple obstacles at once, but you’ll make it through. Just step by step.

I prefer friends that come over, check on me, but above all else, to be my friend. I can not do this solo. I just cam back from the Canadian Mental Health Association last night at 4-5am, haven’t slept in 24 hours.

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Yes I prefer physical friends, just 1-2.

I am living off of sandwiches, kraft diner and soup.

If you were here in person I would explain, I need physical people. I have not slept in 24 hours, I took twice the amount of clonazapam as need. I prefer physical people here then over the internet. I have gone months without any physical contact with people.

I would talk about it if someone was herewith me, the whole goal is to have physical people in my life. I took double the amount of meds last night and went to the CMHA clinic at 4am. Please do not take this wrong, I prefer physical people then one over the phone if I csn.

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I find talking about does it not much help, no attack on you, , I am sorry, forgive me. I have not eaten a half decent meal in 3-4 days.

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I thank you for that offer. I am the type of guy to prefer to see and interact with my friends around me, they can see the full effect and force i am going through.I need the emotional and mental support here.
If any friends here live in London Ontario, I can meet (If this is against ToS), I am sorry I can delete it.

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I took too may of my meds Saturday night… apparently not enough, made it to the local mental health unit. Maybe next time.

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