Hi, there are people in this world who say fucked up shit and then question you and gaslight you when you try to bring it up. It stresses me out so much where it sometimes drives me to suicidal thoughts. There was this dude at my school that’s been accused of many terrible and disgusting things, and ppl have tried to get him kicked out of the school. To no avail. It was mainly sexual misconduct towards teachers and students. I didn’t beleive it completley bc he was hiding his creepiness at first, but I also didn’t trust him, so I kept an eye on him. He started talking to me and my friends and he was chill until he started saying weird shit like, “You’d look cute with a ding dong in your mouth.” When I was eating something. It was a joke but it still creeped me the fuck out, and the fact that he thinks he keeps his filter on- on campus just means he can say worse off campus. And then he talked about how he used to call trans people “trannies” and thought it was normal until he learned it wasn’t and stopped bc he found out he was pan. I was okay with that, but still thought it was a little fucked up and really decided it was fucked up when he said, “Since I’m down with banging them I shouldn’t say that word.” like they were an object or not human, just a sexual fetish, and I got extremely pissed off and creeped out by that as well.
So the topic of fear came up and he told me to tell me what it is he said that came off wrong. I was scared to say, and then I got mad because why do I need to tell him what he did wrong. He’s old enough to know what he’s doing wrong, hell he’s older than me, so I told him that, then he started saying I was just accusing him and being ignorant and childish and to just tell him what he did because he was extremely confused. I value communication yes, but I shouldn’t have to tell someone what they did wrong if it’s that fucking obvious to the point where multiple groups of people are trying to kick you out of the school. I can’t stand it when someone who is old enough to see something they did wrong not see it and own up to their mistakes and try to change and instead they just gaslight you and play the victim. It drives me insane, literally. It’s so fucking stupid and childish.
He ended up asking how he was gaslighting me and gave me the definition of gaslighting, saying it makes you question your sanity, and I told him “Buddy, that’s exactly what you’re doing right now.” but he didn’t see it. And it just started an argument and gaslighted me until I thought it was my fault because he doesn’t know what he did wrong and is playing the victim card. It stressed me out so much I actually thought I was the crazy one until I told my friends and they explained to me what he was doing, but it still drove me mad and I ligitametly wanted to just grab one of the big rocks in my house and bang it against the back of my head to knock me out for a good bit. But then Mori told me, “If you’re not going to do it right, don’t do it at all.” So I put it down. It really drives me insane though, I hate when this happens to me. Seeing people like this in this world really just makes me want to fucking kill myself. And it sucks because I had a good time this past weekend celebrating my bday, so why does my brain have to do this to me.
I woke up this morning and asked the other cohorts for their opinoin. They said they had kicked him out of their cohorts and he was targeting our cohort bc we haven’t seen what he does yet. I asked them if it was my fault and they told me “Hell no.” And reminded me exactly what I had told him before, that his issues aren’t my responsibility to tell him what he did wrong and it’s up for him to want to change not me. I just feel so pissed off because I let him get to me and I ended up saying sorry because he made me think I was the crazy one. I’ve been trying for years to not let people gaslight me like that and just letting myself get gaslighted yet again makes me so fucking pissed. Idk why I’m so fucking gullible sometimes, I just cave in to shame and guilt that isn’t actually there and get convinced that I’m the trashy one and I’m the one that fucked up. I thought that maybe he didn’t actually know what he did wrong, but the thing is he’s just denying that he did anything wrong even to himself, and he’s old enough to know, yet he doesn’t seem to care, so it isn’t my fault. And I’m so tired of being blamed for it that it makes me want to fucking shoot myself sometimes. I’m so tired of being blamed for other people’s bullshit.
The whole time I talked to him he talked about wemon like objects and called them “females” and claimed he didn’t remember any of their names but he remembered mine so quickly. Fucker was always looking at me with a creepy look, and made small hints of sexual harassment towards me. Saw me as a fetish, and that’s what threw me over. Made me dysphoric as hell because it makes me feel like no one is ever going to actually see me as who I am or give a shit about me, I’ll always be seen as an object no matter what and I will die that way. Makes me feel no one will ever actually love me I’ll just forever be seen as “that trans person.” And it makes me want to fucking kill myself. But I tend to forget that gen Z doesn’t give two shits about gender, which I forget alot. But I don’t like gen Z, they’re too crazy rn, it’ll be a hell of a while before Gen Z grows up and chills out. So for now I’ll have to suffer.
Really just wish people didn’t see me as an object, I really wish people actually gave a shit about me, and I really wish I could find love and I could just be loved for who I am, find someone that sees how stupid gender is. Someone that actually doesn’t give a shit. Maybe one day, maybe never, definetly not right now.
I hate humanity.
-X