People gaslighting makes me want to kill myself

Hi, there are people in this world who say fucked up shit and then question you and gaslight you when you try to bring it up. It stresses me out so much where it sometimes drives me to suicidal thoughts. There was this dude at my school that’s been accused of many terrible and disgusting things, and ppl have tried to get him kicked out of the school. To no avail. It was mainly sexual misconduct towards teachers and students. I didn’t beleive it completley bc he was hiding his creepiness at first, but I also didn’t trust him, so I kept an eye on him. He started talking to me and my friends and he was chill until he started saying weird shit like, “You’d look cute with a ding dong in your mouth.” When I was eating something. It was a joke but it still creeped me the fuck out, and the fact that he thinks he keeps his filter on- on campus just means he can say worse off campus. And then he talked about how he used to call trans people “trannies” and thought it was normal until he learned it wasn’t and stopped bc he found out he was pan. I was okay with that, but still thought it was a little fucked up and really decided it was fucked up when he said, “Since I’m down with banging them I shouldn’t say that word.” like they were an object or not human, just a sexual fetish, and I got extremely pissed off and creeped out by that as well.

So the topic of fear came up and he told me to tell me what it is he said that came off wrong. I was scared to say, and then I got mad because why do I need to tell him what he did wrong. He’s old enough to know what he’s doing wrong, hell he’s older than me, so I told him that, then he started saying I was just accusing him and being ignorant and childish and to just tell him what he did because he was extremely confused. I value communication yes, but I shouldn’t have to tell someone what they did wrong if it’s that fucking obvious to the point where multiple groups of people are trying to kick you out of the school. I can’t stand it when someone who is old enough to see something they did wrong not see it and own up to their mistakes and try to change and instead they just gaslight you and play the victim. It drives me insane, literally. It’s so fucking stupid and childish.
He ended up asking how he was gaslighting me and gave me the definition of gaslighting, saying it makes you question your sanity, and I told him “Buddy, that’s exactly what you’re doing right now.” but he didn’t see it. And it just started an argument and gaslighted me until I thought it was my fault because he doesn’t know what he did wrong and is playing the victim card. It stressed me out so much I actually thought I was the crazy one until I told my friends and they explained to me what he was doing, but it still drove me mad and I ligitametly wanted to just grab one of the big rocks in my house and bang it against the back of my head to knock me out for a good bit. But then Mori told me, “If you’re not going to do it right, don’t do it at all.” So I put it down. It really drives me insane though, I hate when this happens to me. Seeing people like this in this world really just makes me want to fucking kill myself. And it sucks because I had a good time this past weekend celebrating my bday, so why does my brain have to do this to me.
I woke up this morning and asked the other cohorts for their opinoin. They said they had kicked him out of their cohorts and he was targeting our cohort bc we haven’t seen what he does yet. I asked them if it was my fault and they told me “Hell no.” And reminded me exactly what I had told him before, that his issues aren’t my responsibility to tell him what he did wrong and it’s up for him to want to change not me. I just feel so pissed off because I let him get to me and I ended up saying sorry because he made me think I was the crazy one. I’ve been trying for years to not let people gaslight me like that and just letting myself get gaslighted yet again makes me so fucking pissed. Idk why I’m so fucking gullible sometimes, I just cave in to shame and guilt that isn’t actually there and get convinced that I’m the trashy one and I’m the one that fucked up. I thought that maybe he didn’t actually know what he did wrong, but the thing is he’s just denying that he did anything wrong even to himself, and he’s old enough to know, yet he doesn’t seem to care, so it isn’t my fault. And I’m so tired of being blamed for it that it makes me want to fucking shoot myself sometimes. I’m so tired of being blamed for other people’s bullshit.
The whole time I talked to him he talked about wemon like objects and called them “females” and claimed he didn’t remember any of their names but he remembered mine so quickly. Fucker was always looking at me with a creepy look, and made small hints of sexual harassment towards me. Saw me as a fetish, and that’s what threw me over. Made me dysphoric as hell because it makes me feel like no one is ever going to actually see me as who I am or give a shit about me, I’ll always be seen as an object no matter what and I will die that way. Makes me feel no one will ever actually love me I’ll just forever be seen as “that trans person.” And it makes me want to fucking kill myself. But I tend to forget that gen Z doesn’t give two shits about gender, which I forget alot. But I don’t like gen Z, they’re too crazy rn, it’ll be a hell of a while before Gen Z grows up and chills out. So for now I’ll have to suffer.
Really just wish people didn’t see me as an object, I really wish people actually gave a shit about me, and I really wish I could find love and I could just be loved for who I am, find someone that sees how stupid gender is. Someone that actually doesn’t give a shit. Maybe one day, maybe never, definetly not right now.
I hate humanity.
-X

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Hi System,

People really can be terrible and this is a perfect example of that. They can be abrasive, abusive and oblivious.

It is frustrating when people anger us, especially when we are actively trying to no longer allow that to happen. This does get easier with time, but it seems that almost inevitably someone will come along and say something that hits you in just the wrong way in order to set you off.

First, I want to say that, although it is your goal to not allow people to gaslight you, you are still human, as everyone else is. None of us are perfect. Stuff happens. Sometimes our emotions escape us in spite of our best efforts and that’s ok. This doesn’t mean that all of your progress is lost. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. It doesn’t mean you failed. It just means you’re human.

As for this person… he clearly seems to have boundary and behavioral issues. I can certainly see how someone like him could anger, well. Most people. That being said, it IS possible that this guy is so oblivious to how socially inept he is that he may NOT understand what he did that offended you so badly. Im not defending him by any means, but to assume that someone must automatically know something isn’t fair to anyone. Some people genuinely can’t pick up on social queues, some people were raised to different standards whereby its ok for them to say stuff like that at home without being taught otherwise. We can never really KNOW that someone must know the extent that what they do or say is wrong because everyone lives unique lives with unique experiences and understandings.

Again, I don’t seek to defend this guy, merely suggesting things may not be as cut and dry as they seem.

I hope you are feeling a little better after getting all of this out. I don’t like people either to be honest. There’s just nothing that can really be done about them. They need to change themselves and unfortunately not everyone is capable of that.

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Hi, I get that he may not understand what he did, and to not just assume. But the fucking thing, is that based on every single thing he’s did, the fact that he’s on a list to be kicked out of the school for the things he’s said and done, and the fact that he’s old enough and done it enough times that I’m sure people have told him over and over what he’s done I shouldn’t have to do it for him. I’m sorry but it’s not my fucking responsibility. I’m very clearly not the first person who’s tried to show him what he did wrong and definetly not the last to confront him, but he will continue to deny it himself. I can’t deal with shit like that. I’m not his parent, I’m not his partner, and I’m not his friend and he’s not 5, he’s fucking 24. I fully understand that some people may not understand some things but the very fact is he fucking should at this point, and because he doesn’t, that is even more dangerous. My point is that I’m not assuming, I’m tired of this shit. I’m tired of them pretending they don’t know, and I’m tired of people who can’t see through their own ass and blame me for it.

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Hey @Systemofconfusion,

I’m really sorry for what this person told you and how they treated you. That’s just not okay. I understand your frustration regarding their age and the fact that, in a ideal world, you shouldn’t have to explain to that person why what they said was absolutely wrong. Legally speaking, no one is supposed to ignore the law and I doubt what they said could ever be protected under the guise of pure ignorance. Although they indeed seem to lack of emotional maturity and, unfortunately, the way they behave and interact is something they’ve learned too as being “okay” somehow. It makes me mad that this person works in a school. That’s just not okay.

Please don’t let the behavior of some people lead you to conclusions about humanity as a whole. In each of the most recent generations, in our society, there are people who suffered from gender stigmas and sexual harrasment, more or less silently, and there are people who also fought for some fundamental rights in terms of equality. There is still a lot of work and progress to do because stigmas take a longer time to be broken down. But not everyone fall into it. Not everyone behaves in an inappropriate way.

I’ve been where you are, and still feel overwhelmed by this feeling sometimes. This anger. This feeling that this world is just insane when so many things seen as “normal” should be so different. However, with time, I’ve been learning to use that anger in a good way. I focus on doing what I can at my own level. I live and embrace the values I deeply believe in, which gives an incredible drive for life, purpose, and justice. This world is pretty messed up when we look at the big picture, yes. But that’s exactly why it doesn’t deserve you to hurt yourself as a consequence. We need you. We need your unique perspective. We need this vibrant spark that you have.

What happened was not your fault. You know it already. But I thought it was important to emphasize it again.

Hold Fast. :hrtlegolove:

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