People scare me, so fucking much.
I can’t stop shaking yet I kept talking and laughing to them. I’m so used to hiding my fear. The toxic alter started coming out of hiding today bc of it, but instead of hurting me they told me to calm down and walk away. I couldn’t though, I know they’re sick people, I know they’re dangerous, but idk how to avoid them. I never do. I just know how to be kind, or to kill, because toxic taught me that. Mori, taught me. I know I shouldn’t be letting them out of the cage but they are the only one there when I’m in danger. Idk what to do.
These ppl talk to me like we’re friends and acknowledge my issues like it’s nothing, then tell me “not to make it so obvious next time”. Fuck you, it’s not your fucking decision at what part of my body I try to kill myself on. Then they tried to get me to tell them my birth name, god… I’m so fucking pissed. The fucking nerve… They are clearly toxic, I can feel it in the aura they give off, they’re bad people, but idk how to stop talking to bad people. Maybe… That’s why Mori wants to help, because they detect toxicity? They know how to deal with it? Idk… Since I’m so used to people ignoring me, I assume that when people talk to me I should talk back. I’m pissed off too, I just wish I was with my college friends rn, I wish I lived with them. They make me so happy, not ADHD happy, but genuine content. I feel the safest around them. That’s bad though, because that means I’m codependent.
I wish I could hang out with the people on these forums, I’m so scared of ppl. But I like the people here.
I just, idk how to ignore ppl if I feel uncomfortable, I never knew how to, how do you do that? How do you not talk to dangerous ppl? Fear doesn’t seem to do shit to me. I don’t want to hate people but their are people that need to be hated to stay safe. Please… Someone fucking help me…
I can tell most these people aren’t human, only one of them is and I think that is either my assumptions, or they are just about to cross that line to the black abyss. I need… I need to stop talking.
Speaking of people. They are manifesting now. Idk what I’m doing differently but it’s happening. Maybe it’s this shift. It has to be.
there’s nothing wrong with being codependent. and from my understanding of DID, you can’t control which alters front. If there are people that make you feel uncomfortable, maybe try moving away if possible? Or could you try to ignore them?
Some alters can be controlled, some can’t, at least for me. I want to move away but I don’t bc I’m scared. Idk how to ignore people because I’m impulsive and seek to socialize. It’s stupid but I just wish scaring myself was the answer. I’m so scared of something terrible happening. Next time I should just stay away, just ignore… God… I fucking hate people… Why… Why are people so terrible… Just why…
Hello, I figured this out.
Shit happens severe reactions happen because triggers, but we all go through shit for a reason.
I think what happened is I got too happy bc my ADHD was triggered and my body got worked up and didn’t know how to deal with it so I had an anxiety attack. But also a load of social anxiety and fear of people just turning on a dime. Really weird experience but life goes on. Thanks for ignoring my flag to delete this topic. It’s best to face the issues I deal with.
I’m so glad to hear you’re facing down your issues! It’s really cathartic to work through them instead of ignoring or minimizing them. You accomplished something big today!
Social anxiety is really real and really hard. I struggle with it myself. I just want to be likeable. At this point in my life, I feel like I’ve lost control of the character I play in social situations. When I’m with friends, I laugh too loud, talk too much, and exhausted and drained. When I’m with strangers or extended family, I go pick an empty room to hide out in and just pray no one tries to talk to me.
No one has time for people who don’t understand them. If they can’t accept you without poking and prodding you and making asinine suggestions, maybe it’s time to move on. You need friends, not life coaches.
I don’t think feeling safe around your college friends makes you codependent, it just means they’re a good group of friends. Codependent is if you couldn’t live your life without them, if you depended on them alone for your happiness. Having a safe friend group is healthy. I can definitely understand wishing you were around them. My safest friends live out of state.
I wish I could hang out with the people on this forum too, but I know the reality is I’d be an awkward anxious mess, and I’d talk too loud and too much to try to “appear” well-adjusted, even though I generally am in my own quiet way. That’s social anxiety for ya.
I try to smile, try to fight, just say I'm okay,
But everyday feels like a hurricane, yeah I was born in the rain.
Hehe! Yea. Social anxiety is a MESS!! ecspecially when you add ADHD to the mix. Idk who I am when I’m around people, I just take on the act everyone else wants to make them happy, I always make sure to keep my energy controlled to their comfortablility, but… when I’m with my friends at college I don’t even have to do that. I… think I’m genuinely happy, and not afraid of talking too little or too much, not afraid of having a stupid opinoin or annoying anyone, or just feeling afraid of opening up about my traumas and my issues. Only thing that bothers me is I can’t hug them T^T. I actually used to HATE hugs and would lash out at someone who tried to hug me, or just freeze up and jump away, but when I’m with the people I care about all I want to do is hug them! Of course I don’t, because I don’t want to weird them out or annoy them, but latley I’ve been wanting to give hugs because everyone’s been sad. Our teacher has… Kind of lost it these past few weeks out of paranoia and stress, so she took it out on other students, but to a severe degree. And… She’s taking it over the top by trying to expell my friend with lies. It hurts seeing that. I just made friends with all these amazing people, even my teacher… I don’t know what I would do if they left. If that all broke… That’s what I mean by codependent. I know that when I get attached I become dependent, they make me so happy every day that they are all I end up looking forward to, but if they leave… Life becomes a fog again. And then I die again. But I know how annoying and burdening that is to others so I always keep my distance. Always. Always. For my sake and theirs.
It’s hard to do that though when they show an active ability to have empathy about you though, it makes me so happy yet so afraid of hurting them or losing them. I’m not used to being around people who are stable and have a mutual understanding of life and the world. Someone that has an actual calming vibe about them. Someone with the same interests and talents or any at all. Someone who has empathy, who is human like me. I’ve never gotten to meet someone else like that except at my college. It’s probably because they’re all adults. Adults are so much better to talk to than anyone younger than me. Gen Z is just too fucking much for me. They’re all insane and fucked up in the head. Almost the whole highschool I used to go to was filled with them. They almost brainwashed me too, because they acted like all that shit was just fucking NORMAL. Now I’m just desensitized to alot of it, but most of it still makes me shake in fear. Jesus… Older people are so much easier to talk to istg. And I’m so glad my friends are older, because they aren’t crazy fucking idiots. But yea, that’s why I’m scared. You rarely find gems in a haystack like these, and I’m scared of losing it.
About the people who make ass suggestions. Thing is they aren’t even my friends, just some people I talked to who brought up personal shit with me. It made me very fucking uncomfortable. I think that’s an issue I have. I spend so much time making sure I do everything right when talking to someone that I forget about myself and what I’m saying, and then forget that I have a say in something and just go with shit. Hmm… I need to work on that.
Lol if everyone got together we’d all be an anxious mess but that’s only for like 10- 20mins until ppl start realizing it’s all in their head and start feeling comfortable. Also thinking it’ll be awkward is a manifestation and that idea will only manifest itself, so don’t say that lol! But really it is so much easier to text than talk. I used to freak out whenever someone called me. Straightup threw my phone across the room and panicked to hit the power button lmfaoooo. I still do that but it’s only with ppl I don’t normally talk to.
But yea, I don’t normally face my issues head-on, usually I don’t know what to do and just wait till it goes away. But I couldn’t have figured this out without my friends help. Without her I would have just bottled it up again and questioned it later on thinking it was a terrible stupid flaw instead of just being a normal fucking person lmao. But truly though, what is normal lol
-X