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People Would be Better Off Without Me

Hello,

Before I begin, I am not going to kill myself. I am firmly committed to staying right here and I won’t be leaving anytime soon.

However, I feel like a constant burden to everyone around me. I struggle with depression and anxiety and low self-esteem/self-worth. I used to hurt myself back when I was a teenager because I thought I needed punishment for not living up to my parent’s expectations. Even though I have thankfully stopped this behvaior, I still feel as though I am never good enough.

In my twisted brain, I see everyone (including my husband, family, friends) as being better off without me. I see what a constant burden I am, why can’t they? I’m not worth the trouble but they refuse to see that. I know that I do no see things correctly when it comes to this topic but at this stage in my life, it has become my truth. I will not kill myself becuase I know what that would to my family but at the same time, they would be so worry-free without my presence in their lives.

The temptation is always there to take my life, freedom is just beyond that point but luckily I can never reach it. I’ve seen therapists, read all the self help books, fought against the negative voice in my head for years, and buried my feelings deep down inside of me. Yet, I have always had this viewpoint and the end is never in sight.

Any advice for a young woman who sees herself as a constant burden?

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@allalone1041

Hello. Nice to meet you. Welcome to the community. Us (HeartSupport) will do our best to love you, care for you, support you, encourage you, and be here with you and for you. What you are feeling is okay. Your thoughts are common. The ones who are in your life love you. They will miss you if you are gone. You are a strong person. You are created by God who gave you a purpose in this life. You are not alone. Everyone in this community has gone through similar trials as you. I encourage you to talk to at least one person in your life about what is going on with you. Perhaps, your husband. I hope you are having a peaceful day. Thank you for reading this. God bless you.

Allalone1041,

First off, kudos for recognizing your negative imagery as NOT being the ‘real’ deal - that’s HUGE.

I love this, it’s so hard to do - you recognize that it’s not real, but it’s your truth. Ugh, suck! I’m sorry that’s happening or that’s become your view. But, again, kudos from this random internet stranger. That you know you’ve been shaped through time to the point you are in shows that there is something there that could potentially lay underneath that view, like layers of paint or layers of an onion, we are complex.

Often, this low sense of self worth, from a psychoanalytical lens, likely is a result of an episode(s) in your childhood. This is validated by your indication that you’ve had these difficulties since you were very young back when you used to self-harm and feel that you:

You ask for advice for a young woman but I can offer advice for a struggling human being, suffering through that pain - in that you are loved, you have someone that cares about you - but that doesn’t matter (much) until you can find that value in yourself.

But doing so, at the point you are in in your journey, is a slog, a long one, but time is what it’ll take to break through that negative image and that time is best utilized using affirmations, thought blocking and other cognitive behavioral techniques (CBT) techniques.

I’m sorry to say there isn’t an easy fix. I just again have to point out that you are awesome for coming as far as you have, you’ve obviously done so much already. You are amazing - though, as someone who hears those negative voices and devaluations often internally, it likely won’t be perceived as valid. :slight_smile:

<3 you much for all that you’ve done. Keep at it.

DrDyaus

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