I guess I can’t keep myself away from here. Maybe that’s a good thing. Or maybe not, because I only usually come here with problems. Anyways, I’m falling apart. I’ve starved myself, thirsted myself so badly. I don’t know why I do it. But it is in a way an unconventional form of my self harm. I’m shaking, barely lasting on 300ish grams of food a day. I can barely move. I do martial arts, the hardest martial art in the world. I’m good at it. But it burns me out kilograms everyday, maybe 2 a day. Dropping to 38kg fast. I’m not anorexic. Don’t you dare think I am. And it’s perfectly normal. I’m just hurting doing it. But I can’t eat. Or else I will be such a failure to them. They want me to grow, I eat, I can’t grow, I feel depressed about it, forget to eat, lose more weight than I started at, and here we go again. Shaking while I type this. Passing out on the couch. Barely walking. Spitting dry blood until I run out of spit (1 or 2 spits). I am dying. But barely living. I wish I would die. But dying isn’t an option. But going back to the hospital is. And starvation will put me in there. Problem solved. You can go back to your live now. Sorry.
You’ve been doing martial arts? How very cool! I have always been inspired by one of my fave streamers on twitch who has been doing it for years and years, and I love hearing him talk about how it helps him cope with life stuff, and how his mental life has been shaped by it tool It’s been really cool to hear his journey, very inspiring. I’m glad you have that too.
He also taught me that a key part of it for him was connecting his physical wellbeing with the growth in his mind, dealing with emotions etc. Its physically demanding and it’s about discipline. You say you’re physically falling apart, but your body is supposed to be stronger now?
How best do you think you could make sure your body is stronger so that you can continue to do what you love? Is there anyone to talk to about this?
You could also just go to the ER of the hospital and tell them you are a danger to yourself and you need help. When they ask if you have a plan, say yes. That’s your ticket in. I hope you see that you are worthy of life, love and healing.
I can’t go to the ER. The only way to get there is to talk to my parents. And I can’t talk to my parents about it. That’s not a real problem to them. They just tell me to get a drink of water and I’ll feel better. They have to go take my brother to practice. My schedule is so stacked that I wouldn’t have time for it anyways. I only could go if I really needed it and if I told them my honest complete thoughts I bet you they’d take me for an idiot. I’m not sure. I wish I could. But I cant.
You can go to the ER. Call the police and tell them you are a danger to yourself. There is always a way.
@Swix Do you have examples of past conversations with them and how it went/what were there reactions?
It’s been obvious through your post that you need to ask for help. There is no other way. Sharing here is amazing and very brave, but it can’t be a replacement of practical help in your life.
I know talking to parents/loved ones about how we feel can be hard, but also that not every parent is welcoming/understanding/supportive. I’d like to understand how is your relationship with them, if you’d be okay to share. Do you feel like they’d be there for you if you were very clear/honest about how you feel? Would it create some kind of shock for them that would make them realize that it’s not “just” about being a little bit depressed or sad?
a lot of the times, we don’t tell those closest to us about how deep our troubles are.
Most of the times, they want to help when they realize how badly off we are. And a lot of the times, it is our own brain that tells us lies to keep us in a state of pain because that is all we are used to. I echo what Micro asked, do you have actual conversation with your parents that make you say this, or is it a fear that makes you think they will react this way.
You have options. If you’re coughing up blood, no one is ever going to dismiss that symptom and say drink water. We wish you well, but please please, do what is needed to be safe and healthy even if it’s scary and a bit uncomfortable. Things can get better. You have to try.